


All We're Left With, Is Us.

by The_Insanely_insecure_Jared_Kleinman



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: +10 points for Kleinman, Connor is Over Ruled by Jared, Dont give me power, Evan is uncomforable, I think?, Jared is in a coma, Jared over rules as Sass Queen, M/M, Multi, Past Sexual Abuse, Polyamory, Seemingly endless car rides, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, connor is a sass momma, does this count as one of those ghost Connor fics?, he also has autsim?, i played myself, sincerly three, sincerly three but dead, somehow not sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2018-11-20 02:44:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 47,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11327022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Insanely_insecure_Jared_Kleinman/pseuds/The_Insanely_insecure_Jared_Kleinman
Summary: The roads are endless, lonely asphalt of Connor's Journey, But at least he's not alone anymore, right? Could that be considered a good thing?  All he knows is that Evan and Jared are actually kinda, maybe, a little , really nice to be around. Well, until Jared remembers waking up to being the resident goodie stash keeper. But all we're left with, is us and it's actually quite nice.https://8tracks.com/nextdoor1303/all-we-re-left-with-is-us





	1. Dead End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes down the minute Evan opens his mouth, like always.

     Three hours of mind numbing Holychild lyrics further deafening Evans eardrums pass before he yanks the aux cord from Jared's phone. He hears Jared chuckle beside him.

  
     “You dealt with that longer than I thought you would.” He says as he turns on the radio instead. It's still cheerleader esq pop music, but Evan isn't willing to make a scene over the same thing twice. He contemplates throwing himself out the window instead.

  
     He leans his head against the window in defeat against his better judgment and the air vent blows cold air into his face. It's only the end of summer, kids were going back to school and the sun was still blistering, but that didn't explain why Jared likes his car cold enough to give himself goose bumps.

  
     It was the end of the summer, yet here he was in a car with Jared going on a ‘find-yourself’ road trip when everyone else in their class was going to their first day of college, and moving on with their lives. A lot of what they should be doing. He was a total fuck up, he was going to be one of those embarrassing people who still lived with their parents into their late thirties until his anxiety inevitably gives him a heart attack. He wasn't going to die alone, but he was going to die with no one but his mom. Who would show up at his funeral? Mom? Yeah, obviously. Jared? Probably. The Murphy family? Unfortunately because they would feel like it was necessary, and why did he have to bring them up now? It’s a shitty time of the year for them, today is only a reminder how they all screwed up. Hell, it’s a shitty day for Connor if this was the day he decided to kill himself. _Happy Anniversary_ , he guesses.

  
     It’s been a year. It's been a year since Connor shoved him in the hall and signed his cast. It's been a year since he was alive, and angry at Evan. It’s been a year since Evan tried to explain himself only to get tripped up on his words.

  
     He hadn't been this broken up when the anniversary for his own attempt came around earlier that summer. It had happened, he healed, and for the most part, he moved on.

  
     Connor hadn't moved on from this day last year, and it still followed people like an ominous cloud. Would Connor be going to college like the rest of their classmates or would he be wasting his life like Evan?

  
     “Evan?” He hears Jared ask. He was probably looking for a nod or anything that Evan could give him to say he there was no reason to worry. ‘I’m always like this, it's no big deal.’ Evan keeps his mouth shut; he hasn't spoken all day. He doesn't think he can without breaking down, but he doesn't have the will to look over at Jared so he keeps his eyes trained on the scenery passing by them.

  
     He’s wasting his life. A life, energy, time, all being wasting on a person like him. He should stop using so much of it. He should be better. He should be going to college to make his mom proud and to take Jared to crazy college parties. But instead Jared is taking him out on a road trip to get him out of that smothering town, to forget the Murphy's, to forget Connor, to forget that he had waved back and Evan didn't listen because it wasn't who he wanted to wave back, to forget that he should be a freshman in college instead of an employee at Pottery Barn.

  
     He thinks he feels Jared's hand on his, before the car swerves a sharp right. They narrowly miss a BMW who's honking at them because Jared is paying more attention to him than the road.

  
     “Evan, it’s alright, you’re here.”

  
     He’s here. That's the problem. He’s wasting Jared's car insurance money on this road trip. Like a leach. Jared got this money for spending time with him, so Evan had some sort of value to him (A value that could closely be related to full coverage car insurance from Geico. Not necessarily the best compliment, but full coverage didn't come cheap with Jared's driving.), but he was using it to spend more time with him? This whole idea was ridiculous. Jared had nothing to gain and everything to lose.

  
     “Evan, breathe. I can't pull over! Breathe! God dammit!” He’s shouting. Oh God he’s shouting and that makes everything louder. The words die in Evans throat and suffocate him.

  
     He’s a waste of life. He only spouts lies to get people to like him and makes them think that he isn't awful so at least someone cares for him.

  
     Because if they don't care for him, them who will?

  
     He’s a below standard person. He can never be good enough.

  
     He’s leeching off the only person who cares to spend time with him. Jared can't even tell Evan he cares, even though they both know. Its embarrassing. Evan's embarrassing.

  
     “Evan!” The tire on Evan's side rumbles over the reflectors and he think Jared straightens out because he doesn't feel the vibration anymore. He doesn't feel anything anymore. His right shoulder is terribly hot despite the AC. He feels Jared grab him and he’s screaming. They're both screaming, and Evan throat hurts from the first sound he’s made all day.

     And then Jared vanishes. Not as though he let go, but as though his touch was just not there and instead Evan screaming overcame a different radio station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We plan to update date every OTHER day but we'll see how that goes.
> 
> Want to listen to the same 'junior high emo phase, kill me please music' our boys are listening to. Here your go  
> https://8tracks.com/nextdoor1303/connor-s-dope-purgatory-playlist
> 
> we hope you're enjoying our loser fest of poorly written and edited chapters, we would do an annoying stupid self-promo but our profile description does the justice. Hope you have a gay day! - Leo


	2. Road Work Ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The FUCK did you come from!!?

_And then Jared vanishes. Not as though he let go, but as though his touch was just not there and instead Evan screaming overcame a different radio station._

 

     His ears pick up Jared screaming as the car comes to a screeching halt. Evan hits the dashboard in front of him, but remains unharmed for the most part. He could have sworn he put his seat belt on.

  
     It's not Jared that was screaming with him, and it's not Jared's car he was bouncing around in. The car has an unfamiliar black dashboard instead of Jared's tan, but the driver, who was awfully familiar, had stopped screaming in favor of shouting.

  
     “What the fu- Evan?! Is that you?! What the hell are you doing here?!”

  
     It was Connor; alive and shouting more in terror than anger. Had he taken his medication this morning? Hallucinations weren’t usually his thing.

  
     “You're dead.” He mutters stupidly, but it was enough to stop Connors questioning.

  
     “You're dead!” He barked back.

  
     That response didn't make sense. Though he couldn't make sense of anything really. He blinks. Everything was going painfully slow in Evans head while for Connor, his was absolutely reeling.

  
     The poor guy looked like he was about to puke.

  
    “H-hey..” Evan weakly reaches a hand out to him, but doesn't dare touch him. His hand just hangs there, shaking above the center console. He tries to calm Connor, but that isn't a thing he is too good at. He doesn't even know how to calm himself down, but he just really doesn't want Connor to actually puke.

  
     “What happened?” Connor jabbed instead, like an angry parent no less. They both try to ignore the way Evan flinched when Connor opened his mouth.  
Evan can't answer that. The sounds of tearing metal and the feeling of Jared's car jerking to a stop, ghosts over his senses and pools in the right side of his body. It was his fault, obviously. Jared was trying to be a good friend, Evan was just an attention hog who couldn't dare let Jared's attention be wasted on watching the road. He killed them, or rather himself and probably ruined Jared's life. There was no way Evan would be worth that new insurance rate anyways. What did it matter to him? The whole insurance spiel was an insult.

  
     He cared far more than he would ever admit. And now he would just be another death that people would look back on and the only thing they would say was ‘He died too young’ only because there would be nothing else to mourn except for the life he didn't live. He did not amount to anything alive; well, not anything they could miss. They would say ‘He's with his friend Connor now’ and _oh the irony_ , or maybe they would say ‘They’re not together because people who kill themselves go to hell and Evan was obviously a good kid since he started The Connor Project’ and those people would be even more wrong. That kid Evan, is a liar and a fraud, and he’s just as much guilty of trying to rid the world of himself as Connor is, and it’s almost funny how his death was indirectly his own fault. And a bigger surprise, Hell is just an empty highway in Connors passenger seat. Or maybe this was the highway to Hell like the song playing from the radio was claiming.

  
     “Hey, hey, none of that.” Connor hesitantly brushes Evans shoulders and they both jerk back. Evan didn't expect Connor to be real just as much as Connor didn't expect Evan to be dead, but the touch was solid, warm, and fleeting. They stare at each other; Evan holding his arms to himself, willing the trembling to go away, and Connor who was holding a shaking fist above the center console. “I don't want to sugar coat this, but um” Connor stumbled around the subject.

  
     "I'm dead.” Evan said, and he let it sit in the tense air of the front seats. He forces air into his lungs and forces clarity into his head. He’s dead. No biggie right? That's what wanted all along. Why did he feel so disappointed?

  
     He looks out the window of the car. They’re considerably taller now than Jared's corolla. It’s an truck of some sort and an old one at that. A black hood lays in front of the windshield. Fitting. The highway is barren with the exception of a frozen car a mile up and a sign with the numbers 49 in the outline of Mississippi. He watches Connor turn off the radio, and feels the need to speak up.

  
     “This is it?” Evans voice is quite in the car, and barely reaches over the sound of the running engine.

  
     “I-” Connor pauses, about to defend the place he found himself in as well, but instead his voice deflates. “Wasn't impressed either.” He taps on the steering wheel with a painted fingernail. “Welcome to the afterlife?” He looks out to the road as if he were seeing it for the first time as well. Evan nods.

  
     “I'm sorry.” Evan blurts before he can stop himself. Sure, trying to be a better person meant coming clean, but Connor didn't know anything about _that_ and he can get away with it if he just doesn't bring it up. What’s the point of being a good person now? He’s already dead.

  
     “For what? being here?” Connor presses, annoyance laced his voice, and Evan feels as though he’s at the mouth of the lions den, and he decides to step in.

  
     “I-I mean, right after you… you know, sorry, if you don't want to talk about that, but I may have told- well, you said that we could pretend to have friends and I-”

  
     “Took that a little too literally, I know.” Connor tried to keep his voice level, honestly, he tried, but that didn't stop Evan from jumping when he was interrupted. “Just- I don't want to talk about that as much as you probably don't want to talk about it, so can we just let that go?” He moves to put the Tahoe back in gear and goes back to driving down the still highway. He couldn't talk to Evan face to face about this so he sought out the distraction. He sees a nod out of his peripheral before Evan speaks up to properly answer.

  
     “Y-yeah, that’d be- um. Yeah.” He’s _still_ nodding as he says this.

  
     “But for what it's worth, I'm sorry for haunting you and egging you into half of that shit.” He keeps his eyes on the road knowing Evan is staring at him, about to question him. “Its rude to stare.” He interrupts before his passenger found the courage to do so and Evan stutters another apology before turning to fiddle with the hem of his shirt.

  
     “T- that was? I just- I just thought I was hallucinating because I went off my meds.” He shuffles his hands under his legs, and Connor looks over to him. There's no traffic to look out for anyways, its all straight road.

  
     “You went off your meds?” Ah, there it was again. Connors angry parent voice.

  
     “I-i-i-i thought- I thought you kn-knew.”

  
     Tone it down, Connor, you’re upsetting the kid.

  
     “You didn't kill yourself, did you?” God, he sounded like a sneering junior high kid. He doesn't dare to look Evan in the eye when he asked. Whatever had happened was quick and had Evan screaming bloody murder. Nope, not thinking of that, but the only thing his mind did supply was that tree incident along with bloody murder.

  
     “What- no I...Jared and I were- well, Jared was driving, and I freaked, for no good reason, and i just- I think i stopped breathing? He was- he was trying to calm me down, it's- it's all my fault.”

  
     Connor only shook his head, muttering a “You can't exactly blame someone for having a panic attack, but whatever.”

  
     “He wasn't paying attention to the road.”

  
     Neither was Connor. He was looking in his side mirrors and then to his rear view mirror. He could see Evan in his peripheral if he just stared at the road, and that wouldn't work out. It's a respect thing, most people don't like it when people see them cry.

  
     He reaches up to adjust the mirror and forces his voice to sound indifferent, there's enough emotion in this truck as is. “Do you think you hit a - _Kleinman!?”_ he slams on the brakes for the second time today and Evan hits the dashboard in front of his second- third? time today.

  
“What?” Evan wheezes as Connor turns to look at the still body of Jared Kleinman curled in his backseat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We plan to update date every OTHER day but we'll see how that goes.
> 
> Want to listen to the same 'junior high emo phase, kill me please music' our boys are listening to. Here your go  
> https://8tracks.com/nextdoor1303/connor-s-dope-purgatory-playlist
> 
> we hope your enjoying our loser fest of poorly written and edited chapters, we would do an annoying stupid self-promo but our profile description does the justice. Hope you have a gay day! - Leo


	3. Car Radio's Where Meant To Fill The Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's 'Dope' purgatory playlist, they rock, they jam, they think they're cool...but they're not.
> 
> Want to listen to the same 'junior high emo phase, kill me please music' our boys are listening to. Here your go  
> https://8tracks.com/nextdoor1303/connor-s-dope-purgatory-playlist

_“What?” Evan wheezes as Connor turns to look at the still body of Jared Kleinman curled in his backseat._

   

    That had been a few hours ago, before they had both spent a fair share of trying to shake Jarred awake and realized that he was not _yet,_ truly in this plane of existence. ‘He’s probably in a coma or something’ Connor had said and Evan did not respond; just looked back out his window as Connor drove on, endlessly. He doesn't let himself think of what Jared's presence even meant.

    Evan spares a glance at the gas gauge while Connor is distracted by mumbling lyrics. They are still at a quarter tank; just like they were an hour ago.

    Connor begins a drum roll that follows the opening of the next song. Evan recognizes it immediately, but he still looks at Connors phone screen for sure. God dammit, he lost that bet. Connor _did_ listen to My Chemical Romance, despite Evan claiming that it was way too cliche. He’d pay up only if Jared ever did wake up.

    He watches Connor drum along, it was a bit more interesting than the endless expanse of grey buildings. Feeling brave, he opened his mouth.

    “I’m glad we're dead, or else I’d owe Jared five bucks.”

     He let out an airy laugh. “What?” He was in a good mood (or an awesome one if we were going by Evans experience with Connors moods).

     “Me and Jared had a bet not that long ago, it was- it was stupid because we would have never known what you did listen to, but turns out, yeah. He said all emo kids listen to them, - not that you're an emo kid! I m-mean”

     Connor snorts and pulls the cord from his phone and hands it to a tense Evan. “Let's see if you can do any better.” His lips quirk in a challenge. Evan let out a breath, only for it to hitch again; he somehow didn’t anger Connor but a sense of dread flooded from the idea of exposing the weird shit he managed to hide on his phone.

     “No, no it's fine. You're music is fine - I didn't have a problem with -”

     “Evan,  c'mon man.” He swings the end of the cord in a circle. “I've been listening to mine on repeat for a year. So take the damn cord.” He jeered, the best he can with still sounding indifferent, but that doesn't change the fact that Evans taste in music is shit if Jared was right.

     Hesitantly, he takes the cord, and opens his library. And maybe Jared is right, because _that's_ what's at the top of his list, and it's a guaranteed win with Connor _and_ it was a joke.

     The sound of Teenagers from My Chemical Romance is drowned out by Connor choking on laughter.

     “Jesus Christ, kid.” He forces out like it hurts, and it's a weird kind of good hurting. He’s grinning until the next chorus rolls along and he sings, or raspy scream that matches the tone of the song, and moves his arms like he wants to dance in place, but settles with a little wriggle.

     Evan has always been awful at picking up on social cues, but he’s been in enough long car rides with Jared to know what Connor was silently asking. So he sang along, quietly at first, mimicking Connor wriggle until they were both screaming, not caring for the possibility of waking Jared, and copying each other's arm movements so they kind of looked like they were dancing a choreographed dance.

     And then song ended, and Evan didn't have a song to hide his volume and outburst behind. He could feel that positive feeling being sucked away from him in that short second of silence between songs.

     “Holy shit, dude.” Connor is laughing, still laughing. That was when Evan came across the unbearable realization that Connor had still existed after he had died. That he grew as well as Evan did. That he _knew_ about Evan at his lowest point when that was an experience he avoided telling even his therapist. Hell, he was  _there._ He was there when Evan was afraid he couldn't keep up with it all, and Connor was scared that they would all find out that the ‘nice’ Connor was nothing more a fantasy. The _nice_ Connor didn't exist, but here he was laughing beside him. “Are you fucking zoning out on me, Ev?”

     Evan immediately looked at Connor, realizing the truck was painfully void of Connors laughter. When had that happened?

     “Wh-Sorry, sorry, what were you saying?” He gripped the hem of his shirt, needing to busy his hands.

     “You apologize too much.” Connor shakes his head.

     “Sorry-” He tried to hold his tongue, he really did. “ I mean-” God, shut up. “Um, I'm sorr- no.” He had a conversation a lot like this with Zoe and he still sounds just as _ridiculous._

     “Whoa,” The smirk fall from Connors face. God dammit, he was in a good mood and Evan just had to ruin it _. “_ Whoa, its cool, don't- ya know, freak out on me.” There's a hand on his shoulder, and he decides to focus on that.

    “Shit.” Connor retracts his hand like Evan had burned him.

     “No you're- you're fine.” Evan offers a smile, a silent apology. “What were you- what were you talking about? Before I zoned out.” That seems to make him smile again, and Evan thinks he looks like a kid that was asked about their favorite superhero.

     Evans not that far off.

     “I finally have someone to appreciate my dope purgatory playlist I made.”

* * *

 

     It was everything Evan was expecting it to be. Their energy to bellow out lyrics died with the playlist, so now Evan was back to staring out the window. They hadn't stopped for anything, and Evan expected his legs to feel stiff, or his eyes to burn with the need of sleep, or the gas gauge to go _below a quarter of a tank._

     “Are we ever going to need gas?” He says and it feels so out of place in the quiet cab that Evan regrets speaking up. Connor jumps as if he weren't expecting Evan to be awake, but how could he feel tired if he didn't feel _anything?_ He wanted to stop, stretch his legs, take a nap, and grab a snack. He wanted to at least feel normal with road trip routines.

     “Nope.” Connor replies, popping the p. “I guess it's sorta an endless gas tank.” he shrugged.

     “Where are we going?” Evan speaks quieter this time, but it still fills the cab.

     “Dunno.” Connor says, and it hangs there, and Evan feels like he should say something, but he doesn't know what. Connor speaks anyways. “I just- I don't have anything better to do and driving makes me feel like I'm actually doing something, y’know?” He shrugged, but his indifference was clearly faked. “Why? Is there anywhere you want to go?” He looks over to Evan and they both realize how dark its getting. Neither one of them can see past the headlights, and they can't see each other.

     “Not really, no.” He still feels Connor looking at him expectantly.

     “We have an eternity. I’m sure we can squeeze something into our busy schedule.”

     “I’ll let you know if I come up with something.” Evan amends even though they both know it was a lie. “Where are we?” Evan tries to make sense of the dark trees whipping past them.

     “Mississippi last time I checked.” He answers and Evan nods, having nothing to say to that.

     And then silence fell in once again. They weren't even listening to the radio anymore, just the sound of the engine and the tires ripping against pavement. He doesn't hear crickets and he doesn't think about that.

     “We should go to your funeral.” Connor says when the clock on the radio finally reads ‘1:00AM’. He whispers it as if he wasn't sure Evan were awake or not. The comment has Evan reeling in ways that make Evan not completely sure he was awake before this either.

_There was no way in purgatory that he was attending his own funeral._

     “Wh-why?” Evan sputters, managing a voice crack in just that one word.

     “I dunno just-” Connor taps the steering wheel. There was no music to blame the nervous tick on. “I didn't go to mine, and I really wish I had. I just- it's the not knowing that gets to you here.”

     “I don't- I don't know if I can _look_ at my own dead body.” Evan whispers, almost wishing he didn't have to answer. He just didn't want to go. He didn't like going to other people's funerals. There was too much unresolved tension between ancient family members and childhood friends that just showed up out of the blue and he hated crying in front of people.

     “Probably not an open casket.” Connor spares a glance over to him, as if Evan should already know this. Evan just stares at his silhouette until Connor reaches above them to turn on the dome light. He blinks away the brightness and watches Connor flip Evans visor down in front of him. Getting the hint, Evan looks on the mirror on the backside.

     Pale skin smeared across more than half of his face, standing out against his almost sun kissed skin. He would raise up his hands to touch his face, but instead stares at them. His left hand is normal; freckled and a proud few shades darker than Jared. His right looks like it has never seen the sun.

     “There is only one thing I can come up with that’ll do that.” He heard Connor disclose, and all of a sudden it all became real. _He died in a car accident._ Jared was in a coma, one foot here and one foot in the living world. He wouldn't see his mother again or ever ride in Jared's car anymore. He’d just be here; with Connor in this truck. For forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We plan to update date every OTHER day but we'll see how that goes.
> 
> Want to listen to the same 'junior high emo phase, kill me please music' our boys are listening to. Here your go  
> https://8tracks.com/nextdoor1303/connor-s-dope-purgatory-playlist
> 
> we hope you're enjoying our loser fest of poorly written and edited chapters, we would do an annoying stupid self-promo but our profile description does the justice. Hope you have a gay day! - Leo


	4. Expect Traffic Delays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruh, anybody got a map?  
> Our boys have an adventure and Sell Jared out for less than he worth. (not really) - Leo

_He’d just be here; with Connor in this truck. For forever._

 

    In the end Evan agreed with a vague yes and a requirement; they visit Jared in the hospital before they go.

    That’s what lead to Evan finding the roar of engine, that was struggling to keep up with Connors speeding, oddly relaxing. To be fair, it was a nice constant sound and they had been going at ridiculous speeds at an even more ridiculous amount of time. Evan laid his head against the window, hoping to doze off, but the vibrations of the car echoed through the glass. He grumbles, and curls against the door anyways. Damn Jared was taking up the backseat and Evans chances of taking a decent nap with it.

    “You can lay down if you want to, I’m not going to stop you.” Connor doesn't look at him so he misses the odd look Evan is giving him. He’s not suggesting Evan put his head in his lap is he? Because the only way Evan can lay in this bench seat is if he takes up Connors seat as well. That wouldn't go over well. Even if they ignored the obvious reason, that still didn't change the fact that Evans head would be up against the steering wheel.

    “I meant you could put your feet in my lap, dumb ass, but whatev- fuck you, don't look at me like that.”

    Evan decided against answering that, and just stared at Connor and he stared back. He was driving, but was insistent on winning a fucking staring competition. Evan fights the urge to recoil under Connors gaze, so he disguises his defeat as a roll of the eyes. He looks back to the road like Connor should be doing.

    “Connor!” He screams as the truck is barreling towards frozen traffic at at least eighty miles an hour. Connor slams on the brakes, swerving to avoid a car before coming to a screeching halt.

    “Jesus Christ.” Connor breathes because that's all he can do other than staring at his shaking hands gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles.

    “Sorry, sorry I didn’t mean to yell. Are you- are you okay?” Evan tries not to throw up, so he runs his mouth instead.

    “Dude.” Connor scolds before running a hand through his hair and letting his foot off the brake. Thank God, he had remembered to hit the clutch during all of that. The movement feels achingly slow and the engine doesn't fill the silence anymore, but Connor doesn't dare pick up speed yet. He exits instead. “We should- we should find a map. So we can get around this mess.” He tries to shrug of the near death experience since it's not like he can die twice.

    “There’s a Walmart right over there.” Evan mumbles all too quickly and it just sounded like a jumbled mess, but Connor understood Walmart so with that, he pulls into the parking lot.

    And then into the building despite Evans squeaking. The truck fit far too easily through the sliding double doors like it was built for this. Unfortunately the isles were not the same welcoming width so he parked by the deli up front.

    “I’m gonna go look for a map.” Connor says before slipping out of the truck, not exactly sure why it had gotten so awkward between them, but he didn't know how to fix it other than leave the situation. He feels Evan watches him disappear into the store.

    The store is void of life, and shopping carts filled with varieties of groceries littered the isles as if the people pushing them had just vanished suddenly. It was the same concept with the cars, he guesses. Although, he kept as many in his sight at once because he knew they moved once he was not looking and that was where he drew the line on the creep factor.

    Maps were easy to find, they were lined neatly on the counter of the help desk in automotive.

    Maps were also obnoxiously hard to read.

    He pulls out his phone. No signal, but that was nothing new. He opens his GPS, only for a ‘GPS signal could not be found’ in that monotone voice that rung in his ears. _Figures._

    He drops his phone instead of throwing it. It wasn't ideal, but hey, baby steps. He clenches his fists and buries his nails into his palms in order to keep them in place at his sides. He stares holes into the map on the counter. Reading a map shouldn't be too hard right?

* * *

 

    He tears two up before he roughly figures out where he is on the third. Knowing where he was wasn't helping any, there were two many tiny roads and too many big highways. He didn't think he could find his location again if he lifted his finger from that certain spot on the map.

    He ends up carrying the thing, with his fingers pinching his spot on the map, into the arts and crafts department. He picks a blue sharpie from the display rack and puts an X where his fingers held the map. Evan likes blue, his mind offers that throw away thought. Connor liked dark green, but they were out of that color so blue would work just as fine. He pulls back, staring at the blue X in the middle of the mess of lines that were supposed to be roads. God, this thing was giving him a headache. Okay, just think of one thing at a time, and don't waste it on colors. They had pulled off of interstate 10, which was right here. Their preferred exit wasn't for another few states, so if he could just get past the traffic, maybe a few miles up the road? They couldn't take the service road, that was almost as bad as the intersections.

    He traces a back road path with the blue sharpie until it leads him back to the highway. This route should work, or at least he’s going to say it will.

    He makes his walk back before movement between the clothes racks catches his eyes. It startles him more than it should, but he has to remind himself that he’s not alone here anymore. He swallows the smile that tries to surface. That fact shouldn't make him happy, or relieved, or anything but upset, because of the context that came with Evan being here.

    Speaking of Evan, he’s staring down a blue sweater with a cloud print, longer than he should have needed to figure out if he wanted or not.

    “If it takes you that long to decide you want it you clearly want it. Take it.” Connor speaks up and Evan practically jumps out of his skin.

    “Sorr- sorry,” He apologizes.

    “Stop.” Connor reminds.

     “I didn't s-see you th-there.” Evan sputters over him. The slight rude gesture makes Connor smile even though it would normally set him on edge. He rolls his eyes before Evan apologises for talking over him.

     Evan looks back at the sweater pensively again, and Connor finds the words coming out of his mouth before he knew what he was saying. Usually it would be an insult or something worse, but instead; “Dude, we're going to be stuck with each other for all of eternity. We’re going to eventually have to be ourselves around each other.”

     Evan doesn't look at him and Connor doesn't dare press any further.

     “I think you should get it. Polo’s get boring after a while.” He mumbles, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Meet me in the paper towel aisle in ten minutes, 'kay? Bring snacks.” He says after Evan doesn't answer. He wishes Evan were more vocal, but that was probably the only thing keeping him from blowing up. It was only a matter a days before he does. He always does. He always fucks up every relationship. If he couldn't even stay on good terms with Zoe, then how was he going to deal with Evan. Fucking hell, it's just going to be him and Evan here, and Evan is still going to end up hating him.

    He walks away once he couldn't clench his fists any tighter.

    No big deal, right? None of this would matter, because one day they would all be gone and this would just be gone, but they were already dead. Connor didn't even have death to look forward to anymore, and now everything he did had actually consequences, _more so_ than when he was alive.

     He was just going build a fort in the paper towel aisle like he had seen on the internet once. Zoe had showed it to him, it was a video of theses guys that had hollowed out the paper towels so it looked stocked and normal  from the outside, but on the inside there were tunnels and rooms filled with furniture they had taken from the toy aisle. He and Zoe had wanted to spend the night in a Walmart so they could do it. That was a long time ago, but he’ll be damned if he just passed up this opportunity.

     He made quick of the ten minutes, burrowing out one long hallway leading into a room that he had dragged two bean bag chairs, a laptop with the biggest screen he could find, and a few movies into.

     “Connor?” He hears Evan call, and honestly he expected the paper towels to put up a better sound barrier than that.

     “What's the password?” He speaks up, relying on the echo to not give away his hiding spot.

     “I have snacks?” He speaks to the air and Connor pops his head through the start of the winding ‘hallway’. “What are you doing in there?”

     “Follow me.” Connor grins awkwardly before he disappears again. Evan does his best to crawl in after him before he was lead into the room. Connor plops down on his green bean bag, before gesturing to a blue one. “Since your favorite color was blue.” Connor tries to make conversation as he fiddles with the laptop, trying to figure out how to get the first movie to play.

     “It's not... actually blue, I mean.” Evan replies back, but sinks into the chair nonetheless.

     “Really? I don't think anyone can wear so much of one color and it not be their favorite. What gives, Hansen?” Connor quirks an eyebrow, but he still keeps his attention on the screen in front of him. What file was he supposed to be looking for?

     “My mom- It was my favorite color growing up, so that's the color she would get me for everything. I just didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't my favorite anymore.”

     “Then what is it? It's not like some sort of unspoken secret thing is it?”

     “Wha- no, no, it's nothing like that. I don't really have one. It's such a little kid thing.”

     “My favorite color is green.” Connor instigates, and a messy mush of apologies is what he gets back.

     “I didn't mean that- I didn't mean that _you’re_ a little kid, I was just, I um.”

     “That was probably the meanest thing you have said to me thus far, so i think I can live with it.” He plucks a piece of pre-popped popcorn (Really? Who eats this garbage and actually enjoys it? Hell, Cynthia didn't even enjoy it when she forced a movie night that one time? C’mon Evan.) and tosses it at Evan. He was pleasantly surprised when Evan returned the attack. So Connor retaliates by throwing a handful his direction and Evan returns fire until finally Evan has had enough and dumps the whole bag onto Connor.

     Connor goes still and looks at him with wide eyes and Evan freezes as well, worried that maybe he had finally crossed the line. Instead, a grin cracks Connors face in half and he’s laughing maniacally, Evan laughing because Connor sounds like a fucking hyena. Evan tells him this through heaves of laughter, but it only encourages Connor to keep going, shaking popcorn from his hair.

     Eventually the laughter dies, and they settle comfortably watching the movie. Jenna's Body or some other sort of twisted teen flick. It was something Jared would probably watch, and Even figured Zoe had probably hooked Connor onto this film. That didn't stop Connor from teaching Evan the ways of annoying commentary. It made Evan silently wish Jared would go ahead and wake up so he could suffer through his of-so-important movie experience being ruined by the _both_ of them.

     “Is that what I think it is?” Connor pulls a candy from the pile Evan had dumped onto the shelf space in front of them. “Nerd rope, aw hell yeah, I haven't had this since I was a kid.” He grins, unwrapping the thing. Nerds that had been dislodged from their rope spill out of the package.

     “They're having some sort of come back, I think. They're just super popular.” He pulls a piece off of the candy Connor was holding. “ Its one of the few childhood candies that still taste as good as it did back then.”

     “Ain't that right.” Connor replies with his mouth full.

* * *

 

     They pack the truck full of blankets and pillows mainly so Evan could take a nap in the front seat comfortably. Evan had made the stupid joke of shoving another Nerd Rope under Jared's limp arm and mumbling a “Hold this, Jared.” Connor nearly choked by laughing so hard the first time, and the second time Evan did it was just as funny, and the third, and the fourth, and needless to say, they have a stash of Nerd Rope under Jared's unmoving body.

     Once day breaks again, they head out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We plan to update date every OTHER day but we'll see how that goes.
> 
> Want to listen to the same 'junior high emo phase, kill me please music' our boys are listening to. Here your go  
> https://8tracks.com/nextdoor1303/connor-s-dope-purgatory-playlist
> 
> we hope you're enjoying our loser fest of poorly written and edited chapters, we would do an annoying stupid self-promo but our profile description does the justice. Hope you have a gay day! -Leo


	5. Hospital In Route

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death Explained, conversation chapter. Boys get emotional. Same old same old.
> 
> Also Jared needs love, thanks Danni, im going to fight you. <3 Leo

_Once day breaks again, they head out._

 

     “What you thinkin’ ‘bout, tree huger?” Connor says around a mouthful of gummy worms.

     It's been like this for the past couple days; they've been nursing off their junk food stash under Jared and talking about everything and nothing. Evan had taken a break from talking once they had established that Target was a multidimensional store, but as it seemed, Connor was ready for another round.

     Evan shrugged. He hadn't really been thinking of much; just mindlessly chomping on M&Ms and half expecting Jared to wake up when Evan would dig under him for another bag. _Well._ Connor was supposedly his friend now, and he had asked what he was thinking, right? Normal people would respond, but normal people also didn't want their best friend to wake up in purgatory. That’s insulting to Connor anyways. _Oh, yeah, I value your friendship and I like the ‘You and Me vs. all of eternity’ vibe we have going on, but I also want my best friend to die so he can hang out with me and make fun of you like he always does._ That would be perfect, Hansen.

     He’s hasn't answered him yet. Connor probably thinks Evan’s ignoring him. He’s not, he swears it. It just takes him this long to figure out what he was even thinking. What if Connor was just making conversation? Connor probably didn't even realize Evan was even thinking anything, and now he’s not even getting a conversation, he’s just driving, facing the road. Connor acts like he’s not expecting an answer, but Evan can see that he’s watching him out of the corner of his eye. God, Connor is obvious, they had only been together for a week, and Evan _knew_ that he _knew._ Evan knows that Connor is biting his lip to keep from pushing Evan, even though Evan shouldn't need any pushing to answer his fucking friend. Connor was his friend, Why was this so hard? Say it.

     You want Jared to wake up.

     You want Jared to die, just so you can keep leeching off of him.

     Just like in life, just like in death.

     Pathetic.

     You’re pathetic.

     “I’m pathetic.”

     That was the first thing to slip past the barrier. Evan briefly wishes that this could be one of those drama TV shows where the character says one degrading thing, and then ominously stays silent, but Evan isn't dramatic. He’s just a cry baby who can't keep his mouth shut.

     “I'm a shitty friend.” He says.

     “It's all my fault.” He cries. _God, he's crying._

     “And all I do is want to make it worse.”

     “Okay, whoa, whoa. Stop.” Connor doesn't look away from the road, and Evan is glad for that little mercy. He would probably try to curl himself into nothingness if he were under anyone's eyes.

     “Sorry, sorry- I got- Sorry-”

     “Okay, no. I said stop.” There's a bite to his voice, as if he were threatening Evan to continue, and Evan obviously doesn't dare. So Evan sits there quietly with his hands in his lap and feeling himself slouching in as an attempt to curl himself into a ball. “What’s going on with you?” The bite is gone, but the grip on the steering wheel is still turning Connors knuckles white. It took everything in Connor not to look at Evan who was further curling in on himself. Making eye contact with Evan meant endgame to this conversation, and he’ll never understand what was bothering him. Connor needed to be better with people, even if it was just for Evan (and possibly Jared? He wasn't looking forward to that.) He remembers the last time he had confronted Evan, he remembers every one of Connors degrading thoughts and paranoid assumptions being shoved down Evans throat as if Evan were the one that had said them. No, he couldn't screw this up a second time. He couldn't kill himself this time, and he can’t indirectly make Evans life better this time. All he has is himself, and that had never been enough for himself, but if they could find some middle ground in the midst of it all, then maybe they have enough broken pieces to make up a working person. Maybe Connor wasn't as alone as he thought he was, and maybe they could both grow from this. It'll be too late for them, but progress is progress, no matter what dimension. “Explain what you’re thinking?” That’s when he looks over to Evan, slowing the Tahoe to a stop.

     “I- I shouldn't want Jared to wake up.” His voice was shaky but Connor nods an encouragement so he keeps going. “The accident- it - it was my fault- _all_ of it.”

     “You weren't driving.” Connor weakly argues. Honestly, he wishes he could beat the fact that it wasn't because of him so far into his head that Evan never doubted it.

     “I distr-distracted h-him.”

     Connor doesn't miss how Evans eyes drift to the backseat.

     “He was tr-trying to help- help m-me. It's all my fault. It-it's my fault for making him care a-about me.” Evan is shoving his face hard enough into his knees that his eyes would probably bruise if they could. He fingers are digging into the fabric of his khakis. Connor opened his mouth, wanting to shut this pity party down, because everything Evan was spouting was total bullshit, but what would he say?

     ‘You can't honestly think this is all your fault’? He obviously does.

     ‘You can't make someone care about you’? Between the two of them, they both know that this was plausible because Evan has done it before, but he was sure Jared wasn't one of those cases.

     “And now I want hi-him to wake up. W-what ki-kind of friend wants their fr-friend to d-die?” That was- That was something Connor could work with.

     “I don't know, a friend like me? I was so pumped when you had showed up, despite, y’know. I didn't want to be alone anymore, even though everyone was better off, and there was only _one_ way for that to happen. I wanted it to happen; I wished and wished and wished for someone to die. Which I guess is pretty fucked, but I _didn't_ kill you. I am allowed to be happy about that.” Not completely happy, he reminds himself. He has to take medicine with that sugar. “Me wishing someone would die didn't kill you, did it?”

     Evan shook his head, silent but smiling, so Connor took that as a good sign.

     “So how can you, wanting him to wake up, change anything?”

     Evan wipes his eyes off with his hand instead of his knees.

     “It doesn't.” Evan mumbles.

     “Exactly, now let's go visit this loser.”

* * *

 

     Neither of them were sure which hospital Jared was at, much less which room. Connor had tried to explain that the best way to get back in touch with the living world was just follow one's gut. Evan didn't really get it, but he was used to blindly following Connor by now.

     “Hospitals are easy.” Connor said. “ They're not exactly attached to reality.” Evan really didn't get it, but he knew Connor had said the same about Target, so whatever.

     When they walked into Herman Memorial, Evan almost lost his head the moment the cool air rushed passed them. Connor kept his grip solid on Evan's shoulder in a silent plea to keep it together because the nurse at the information desk, who was very much there and possibly alive, looked up when the automatic door opened and shut for seemingly no reason.

     “C-can she see us?” Evan whispered as Connor lead their way to a couple elevators.

     “Probably not, most people can't see ghosts.” Connor shrugged, tucking his hands in his jacket.

     “Does- does that mean I can see ghosts?” Evan looks at his reflection on the shiny metal of the elevator before looking to his feet. He could see the discoloration of his face in a blurry reflection.

     “I'd sure hope so.” The elevator dings open, and Evan doesn't think that Connor had pushed a button.

     “Is this what it was like haunting me?” Evan follows behind Connor, who seemed pretty good at wandering on his gut instincts.

     “Yeah, but with you asking me less questions.” He grins over to Evan who is about to stutter an apology, but speaks up before he has a chance to. “Stay here, ‘kay?”

     “Wha- why?” Evan doesn't listen, still keeping to Connors heels.

     “I don't th- Look. Considering,” He gestures to Evan. “Y’know. I don't think he’s gonna be much better, so um. Stay here. I'll go look.”

     Evan tries to argue with him, he wanted to see Jared no matter what he looked like, but what if he couldn't handle it? “I- yeah, yeah you're right. Just, if he _is okay?”_

     “I'll come get you.” Connor confirmed before wandering further into the hallways.  

 

     Connor didn't get hospitals. He didn't go to them a lot as a child mostly because Mom usually had some had some crazy Pinterest remedy, well _until_ his later life when Cynthia _almost_ gave up on him, herself. _Until_ she forced herself to get him some help, _until the little bit of light, was gone_. His gut was pretty insistent on which way he should go. Not that it was hard to follow, he followed his instincts half the time when he was alive. When fucking Larry would get in his moods or Connor just needed to be anywhere other than that house, he would just slip out the window and just go wherever his gut lead him.

     When he woke up in park, alone, with nothing more than pale lines littering his wrists. He wanted to go home, but ironically his guilt told him otherwise so he simply wandered. Why he was lead to Evan time and time again was beyond him, but Evan could see ghosts, and they both could have used the company. Until Evan grew; owned up to his mistakes (even though Connor egged him to do half of it, I mean, the Connor project wasn't exactly Evans idea. Connor didn't want to call it that, but the point still stood.) and was ready to move on. He didn't need Connors company anymore, and Connor tried to be okay with the fact that his gut did not lead him to Evan anymore. He had busied himself with other things, like finding other people who could see ghosts (which turned out to be most convenience store workers. Though he found Target, bowling alleys, most crop festivals, and hospitals at night had lead him into the living world where everyone saw him as a living person. At least until he walked out the door and found himself back in isolation.)

     And now his gut lead him to a closed door with the name ‘Jared Kleinman’ scribbled on the board in almost illegible doctor prescription esq. handwriting. And he thought his handwriting was bad, jeez. He pushes the door open, silently hoping that no one else was in the room.

     There was. Jared's mom probably, judging by her brown hair falling in her face as she slept. Her head rested on a table scattered with papers. Most were from various insurance companies, he sees when he approaches her. One with Geico, asking for a claim. Another with Blue Cross, claiming that life support was not covered by their insurance and _oh… Jared was technically dead._ Further into the pile of papers there was a single photograph of a tiny little car. A guardrail had burrowed into the side of it. Passenger side door _gone._ Passenger seat _gone._ The metal railing kept digging its way into the car until he was destroying the door behind the driver. Barely missing the drivers seat.

     It was clear. The passenger was dead on impact. There was no surviving that and a shallow part of Connor was glad he hadn't. There wouldn't be much left of Evan to live. It was a miracle the driver had survived enough as it was, but if Jared was leaning into Evans side of the accident like Evan had said he was, then it wouldn't be much longer until he-

     “Murphy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want to be scared for your life, search 'Guard Rail Accidents'. People wonder why I get panicked if, in not behind the driver seat (that's if I sit in the back), Your girl isn't going down alone.ALSO, I LOVE OUR BOY WILL ROLAND!  
> This has been lessons with Leo. Thanks.
> 
> Want to listen to the same 'junior high emo phase, kill me please music' our boys are listening to. Here you go  
> https://8tracks.com/nextdoor1303/connor-s-dope-purgatory-playlist  
> We hope you're enjoying our loser fest of poorly written and edited chapters, we would do an annoying stupid self-promo but our profile description does the justice. Hope you have a gay day! - Leo


	6. Car Insurance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kleinman is a beautiful ( panicked ) meme boy.
> 
> Mostly talking  
> Actually Semi-Edited This Time. - Leo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leo made the mistake of updating without editing, this is why Leo does everything a 3 am (And/Or not after a long day).

_“Murphy?”_

 

     “Kleinman?” Jesus Christ, his voice cracked. Jared had nearly scared him to death- er well.

     “Holy fuck, I am in hell. I knew it.” The kid lets out an airy chuckle, but Connor could tell he was practically shitting his pants.

_Okay, wow. Rude._

     “You're not even dead yet, genius.” Connor shoves his hands into his pockets, understanding Jared's reaction mutually.

     “Then what is this? Exactly?” Jared looks around the room, before his eyes still on his mother. She hasn't moved since Connor came in.  

     “Hell if I know.” Connor shrugged. Why was he here again? Not for Jared, he was sure.

     “Am I- Am I in a coma?!” Jared, who was now staring down Connor, looked awful. Tubes filtered out of him half haphazardly and a good majority of his right side was covered in fresh white bandages.

     “I said ‘I don't know. God, why all the questions?’” Connor bit. He didn't have the tolerance to handle someone's breakdown today; or ever really.

     “You’re shit at this guardian angel thing, y’know.” Jared talked as if he wasn't in any pain, but the persistent beeping of the heart monitor was enough to make Connor want to slam his head into the nearest wall.

     “The hell did you just call me?” God, he hated this asshole.

     “What are you going to do, Murphy? Kill me? I already have one foot in the grave.”

     It took everything in Connor not to take him up on his idea. Evan was waiting somewhere in the hallway, probably worrying as usual. Sure, he and Evan had all the time in the world, but Connor had wasted it on this prick. He had better things to do.

     And yet, in a weird way, Connor thought, that in a  _very_  different situation and in whole other life, he and Jared (and Evan possibly, if the universe was nice enough to let Connor win more than one of the friends over) could be friends. He had hated the kid at one time but, he wouldn't have ever shot up the school. Jared made that idea awfully tempting (maybe not the school; just Kleinman's face. Yeah, his face would make an excellent target.) And then he hung around Evan in this weird non corporeal form, and read the emails Jared had written in his stead and they were better than what he expected. They where funny? They were lively and he felt as though they had more in common than either of them had originally planned (or Jared was just that good at pretending to be Connor). Connor thought that had things panned out differently, he might have a chance at a second friend. But that was all in theory. In reality, Connor wants to pull the plug on this idiot who just doesn't _know when to shut the hell up,_ but that would mean he would be stuck with Kleinman for all eternity.  _That_  would be worse.

     “Whatever.” He says instead because self-control was a thing he had apparently. Huh, when did that start happening? He turns to leave before-

     “Wait, wait, wait.  _Please.”_ Jared says it as if it were all one word.

     Apparently, he didn't have self-control, because he was stopping to look at the other. Damn his curiosity.

     “Evan? Is he?  _You have to tell me.”_ Jared's tone flipped like a coin.

 _“I don't have don't have to tell you anything, Kleinman,_ ” Connor grumbled, but he doesn't move a muscle, his body stuck in the doorway. Kleinman looks like he’s about to cry or scream or both. Okay, Connor has had his fun. “  _Look._ I really don't know.” He lied. “I would tell you if I did.” He wouldn't. Kleinman looked like he was about to flip out and as fun as that sounded, Connor didn't have the energy to deal with that. Connor was giving this ‘being a good person’ shit a try and his best guess is telling a guy his best friend died was  _not_  a good idea if he was in a coma. He would find out one way or the other when he woke up.

     “He was- there. Evan- what if I killed him? This is my fault.”

     There were the tears, and it only served to aggravate Connor. That wasn't exactly a ‘being a good person’ reaction, but the day will never come when Connor feels any real empathy towards Jared,  _especially in front of him._

     “Jesus, both of you and your shitty guilt complex,” Connor growled, and Jared was taken aback.

     “Both? Both?!” Jared is screaming now, and Connor is about to-

      Connor rushes out of the door.

 

     Evan would probably want to talk to Jared, but all Connor does is think of himself. That's all he fucking does anymore. It takes him a few seconds of fuming down the hallways to realize someone was following him silently.

     Evan doesn't say a word to him but follows him out the doors and towards the truck. Evan doesn't even look at him, just stares at his shoes while his hands clench the fabric of his shirt. Evan  _won't_ talk to him. He won't ask a question about what had happened or why he was so angry.

     Probably because Connor was always angry. Probably because he knew Jared always made him angry, and any question about it would only fuel his rage. But he also knew that Evan wouldn't risk being yelled at.  _Evan was scared of Connor and he every right to be._ He was a monster; a shitty person through and through.  _This was hell; for Evan at least._

     The only good thing he ever did with his life is ending it; he rid the worst thing in his family's life. His family had a hole in the middle, falling apart at the edges. He was the hole, he was the entire problem. He had foolishly thought at one time that it was fucking Larry's fault. ‘If only Connor could get help’. But with him gone his family became whole; as if not one single piece was missing him. He didn't belong there. He didn't  _belong anywhere._

     And now destruction follows him even here.

     Even Evan fucking Hansen was happier with him gone. Alana, Zoe, and the fucking 17,929 followers on the Connor Project page.  _Jared._ Jared wasn't happy, but that had more to do with Evan than him. Connor was just better in theory than in reality. Evans Connor was so much better. Evans Connor was a troubled teen who deserved better. Connors Connor was- he didn't even know where to go with that. Awful? Deserved every shitty thing in his life? Was never meant to live in the first place? Great, he was just relapsing in thought. He already went over what  _he_ was. And yet he didn't feel shitty admitting it to himself, like normal people would. It all felt like fact instead of emotion because  _it was fact._ Connor has long come to terms that he is nothing more than something awful.

     There is a hesitant hand on his shoulder and Connor comes back. He standing by the poor Honda Civic that had just been keyed multiple times.

     “Sorry,” Connor says. He doesn't know what for. Making Evan wait while he apparently keys a car?

     Evan nods his head in the direction of the truck when Connor just stands there, his hand still wrapped around the key in the door.

     “Did you want to see him?” Connor says before he can regret it and before he could take that chance away from Evan altogether.

     “I think we should get outta here.” Evans' voice is meek, but he is talking and that makes Connor feel multitudes better.

     “Sorry.” Connor says again. Evan wanted to see Jared, he still wanted to see Jared. Connor could see the way he would glance back at the building. Connor was taking this away from him because thinking of himself was what he did.

     “You apologize too much.” Evan smiles, feeling awfully proud of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We plan to update date every OTHER day but we'll see how that goes.
> 
> Want to listen to the same 'junior high emo phase, kill me please music' our boys are listening to. Here your go  
> https://8tracks.com/nextdoor1303/connor-s-dope-purgatory-playlist
> 
> we hope you're enjoying our loser fest of poorly written and edited chapters, we would do an annoying stupid self-promo but our profile description does the justice. Hope you have a gay day! - Leo


	7. Dead End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They deserved Better"  
> ThEy DerSERveD BeTTEr  
> Sad and Pain attacks, ALSO MY BOY!
> 
> Connor and I are going to fight, will I lose? yes, do i care? a little bit, he's a fictional character. Geez, calm down Leo. This has been freaking the FUCK out, with Leo. Thanks

_“Sorry”_

_“You apologize too much.” Evan grins, feeling proud of himself._

 

     Evans funeral was a cloudy Saturday morning. Connor had parked in the grass close to the hole they were preparing. The absence of tire marks in the soggy ground made Evans stomach turn as if his grave didn't do that already.

     He _really was dead,_ driving around with a dead guy he once proclaimed as a friend. If only the Murphy's could see them now, he held back a sorrowful groan.The guilt was dreadful.

      “Stay close, Don't want the shit show of someone being able to see us ” Connor advised while Evan cautiously climbed onto the hood of the truck. Not like he could stand being in a crowd anyway, much less _his own funeral._

     “You know it's bad- bad luck to park on g-graves.” Evan said, recalling Alana gripping at Jared after he practically begged the two to go the graveyard with him one Halloween. Evan sighed, tucking his hands under his legs in hopes to ease his shaky body, as he watches familiar cars file into the graveyard.

      “Hopefully they'll haunt us.” Connor jokes as he hops onto the hood next to Evan. “Let me know when you wanna leave.” Evan tries to focus on the weight of Connor on his side, instead of Aunt Mary dressed in black standing awkwardly around the mass of missing dirt. Her normal smile morphed into that of bewilderment. He was little when she last came to visit, comforting mom after his father left. Was his dad com- of course, he wouldn’t. He had _a family_ he had to take care of.

      “I want to l-l-leave now, but- but um.” Even stares at his shoes. “I know I'll regret it. If I leave, you know? I think everyone wants to know what would be said at their funeral, and here I get the chance, or maybe that's just me that wants to know, but I don't want to be like you since you have to live with that, not knowing- not that being like you is a bad thing, you are way nicer than what the kids at school said, not- not that I listened to them- or it's just they never really knew you- I didn't really know you, until now- or maybe I don't , and I'm just that friend you tolerate and they're always like ‘we’re besties’ or ‘i know you like nobody else’ and- and”

       “Evan?” Connor speaks up, not sure if interrupting was what Evan needed. “Chill the fuck out, we’re good. Okay?” The hand set on Evans' knee was warm and grounding.

       “Y-yeah, sorry.” They watch people filter in. Some people he had only seen once at a family reunion, others are close relatives. Connors family stands near the edge of the crowd; avoiding the funeral patrons, but mourning nonetheless. He didn't deserve their tears, nor did he deserve the mourning from Jared's family, who surround his mom. Mrs.Kleinman clutches Heidi's hand with tears in her eyes. Neither of them look like they had much sleep for the past few days. This was definitely expensive for his mom, she should have just cremated him, and called it a day.

       Evan expected to be more upset, watching his mother cry and beg to whatever was out there, that this was just a dream. But the more he fell into the black hole of his thoughts, all Evan could feel was a lightness in his chest; he felt relieved. His mom could finally focus on her school work, she could get her life straightened out. She had lost the last connection with her uncaring ex-husband who hadn't even bothered to show up to his own son's funeral.  

       “What do you think your parents would say if they saw us now?” Evan says quietly, watching The Murphy family rather than his mother break down in tears. His thoughts forming into words.

       “I-” Connor falters before forcing out a chuckle that badly disguised his watery voice. “Are you okay, Hansen?” It was as if Connor had just made the decision to not hide it from Evan as he looks down to the blond boy.

       “My dad didn't come.” Evan shrugged, pushing back on the weight on his side.

       “What an asshole. Fuck’m” Connor declares, kicking his foot out only to bang on the side of the truck when it falls back.

       “Are you good?” Evan looks up to him, blinking back tears.

       “Nope.” He says it like it's casual conversation. “It’s stupid, I miss my moms fucking lasagna. I miss- I miss _everything._ I just want one day back, maybe I could've stopped being an ungrateful shit or something.”

       “You deserved better,” Evan says, staring at his shoes as they rock against the side of the truck.

       That was absolute bullshit. Yeah, Connor can say every person has worth, but that doesn't change the fact that his mom deserved a son that made her proud, his dad deserved a son that was actually there instead of high out of his mind all the time, Zoe deserved a brother that would protect her, Evan deserved to not be shoved in the hall by some jackass. They all deserved better than him.

       But Evan said it was what _he_ deserved, nobody else. What HE deserved, was a bare minimum of that feel good value shit. He didn't even know if he could consider himself a person anymore. People don't just feel angry and tired all the time. He wasn't a person who was just entitled to happiness. He wasn't _worth_ anything, he was a nuisance that only brought others down with him. His parents deserved more than him, Zoe definitely didn't deserve Connor. And he rediscovers what had brought him here, to begin with.

       “I didn't even deserve myself.” He feels Evan shake against him and something tells him that he's crying too. Connor pushes into Evans side. Evan doesn't know what to say to prove to Connor that he was more than just a kid who committed suicide senior year and Connor doesn't know how to get Evan to stop crying so they settle with pushing their weight into each other. It's all they can do in that moment.

       Connor watches his mother grip Zoe's arm with fat tears rolling down her cheeks, and he wonders if she’s reliving a bit of his own funeral. Zoe repeats that 'Evan is with Connor now' like some sort of mantra as if that would make everything better. Why would the Connor they know be of any help to Evan Hansen, who probably doesn't even know how to spell marijuana. He wants to tell them that they’re friends now, and neither of them are alone anymore, but he doesn't know if that’ll make it better.

       Heidi stares blankly at the casket as it's being lowered into the ground. The hand she had been holding was now digging a phone out of a purse as Jared's mom frantically answers a phone call. She only says a hello before she falls silent and listens to whatever the other person on the line has to say. She’s on the edge of her seat with the small phone gripped tightly between two hands. She's shaking and screaming into the line and Heidi is shaking her shoulder.

       Even thinks he hears Connor say his name.

       She has her head in Heidi's shoulder as she screams and cries and his own mother is on another round of tears as the two women clutch each other, neither of them were mothers anymore. Just sorrowful women, mourning something that once was.

       Connor grips his arm, he hadn't realized the world was spinning until he had tried to look at him. He’s saying something, frantically, and Evan should probably answer, but God, what was it? He couldn't come up with any words. Connors grip lessened, or maybe that had something to do with the black edging into his vision. He wants to tell Connor that none of them had parents anymore. That even though Heidi could finally move on to the next part of her life, Evan didn't want her to forget him like some sort of anchor to the past. He wanted to admit that a sick part of him was relieved that this many people were crying for him because he had imagined a plethora of times that it would only be a handful of people that showed up, and then the funeral would just be a waste of money. That's all Evan was really, a waste of money. He was just a stack of medical bills with his name printed on them.

      Connor was panicking, about what, he would never know for sure. He tried to tell him that there was nothing to worry about. That it would be cheaper this way, but he had blinked at one point and didn't open his eyes again. He wasn't even sure if he was still on the truck, Connor sounded so far away.

       He faintly heard Connor shouting and then Jared shouting over him. Jared? He thinks he hears them both calling his name. He tries to answer, but he can't hear them anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We plan to update date every OTHER day but we'll see how that goes.
> 
> Want to listen to the same 'junior high emo phase, kill me please music' our boys are listening to. Here your go  
> https://8tracks.com/nextdoor1303/connor-s-dope-purgatory-playlist
> 
> we hope you're enjoying our loser fest of poorly written and edited chapters, we would do an annoying stupid self-promo but our profile description does the justice. Hope you have a gay day!


	8. High Occupancy Vechicle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If it could go wrong, it went wrong: Cause fucking Evan.
> 
> +10 points for Kleinman.  
> -Leo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact - Connor's vehicle may look like a Tahoe, but it's actually a 1972 black chevy blazer. Which are absolute beauties. Also making sure Jared is a salty hoe, is my new favorite thing cause same.  
> Fun Fact - If I call it a fun fact it probably isn't (Definitely isn't)  
> Danni was going to be in charge of notes today but decided not to so you're stuck with me again. <3 The annoying Leo!!

_Evan tries to answer, but he can't hear them anymore._

 

       “Why would you take him to his own funeral, dickwad?!” Jared shrilled over the roar of the engine. Everything spun, his vision blurring into a fog. A glance out the window brought him back, apparently that asshole driver wasn't doing donuts. That won't stop him from blaming Connor for this agonizing headache though. “Even you should have known it was going to be a bad idea! Didn't you make him suffer enough already?!” Jared eyed the speedometer, eighty- five. Damn it Connor. They’re going to die a second time. Can you die in hell? Jesus Christ Hallelujah, he fucking hoped so. He needed to get Evan away from this walking (or driving) teenage angst bomb, that's if they all didn’t metaphorically combust within the next 2 minutes.

       “Do you ever stop running your mouth?” Connor snaps back, and even Jared knows it doesn't carry its usual bite. Great, they _all_ were terrified. Welp, time for ultimate doom and destruction, at least Connor will go down knowing Jared indeed wanted to sell his guts for a club penguin subscription. Jared, come on be serious, you're about to die a second ti- He’s talking to himself. Damn it, Jared, when mom said she wanted Evan to rub off on you, she didn’t mean literally. Okay death, Evans probable death, think about death. Sassing the guy currently in control was probably a bad idea. _Let's do it._

       “Will you ever stop running this car? Pull over before you kill us all!” Jared spares a glance to Evan curled in the backseat, he’s out cold. He’s not sure when that happened, but waking up to this situation would certainly send him back under.

        “Don’t tempt me.” Connor laughs.

        Connor Murphy fucking laughs, good lord, he fucked up. Shit, Connors crazy and they're all screwed. Abort mission.

        “I don't give a fuck about how you plan to die, yet again, but for the love of God _do not_ drag us down with you.”

        That seemed to get through Connors demeanor because now the speedometer was drifting to the forties. “Does it look like I meant to drag you two into this?!” He shouts, pulling over.

        “What the crap does that mean?! Can you not be an edgelord for five freaking minutes?” Jared 'reasoned', only for Connor to climb out of the truck as a fiery response.

        He watches as Connor walks across the ditch and disappeared behind the gates of a rundown subdivision. Jared just wanted an explanation, but like always, he pissed whoever he was talking off. Hell, he’s angered Evan before and the only other person who could do that was Evan himself. The shitty part of it all is he knew Connor thought that the funeral was a bad idea. It was all over his face when he hauled Evan back into the truck.

        So he does what he thinks a good person would do and grabs the blue sharpie in the cupholder and scribbles ‘ _Con n me wnt 4 a walk, brb’_ on the back of Evans' hand before climbing out of the truck and racing after Connor.

* * *

 

        He could see him stalking down an empty road, kicking over an empty trashcan and watching it roll halfway into the street. Jared isn't sure how to start this being almost positive that Connor would run off again if Jared even breathed wrong. He wrote a mental note: _Don't breathe in front of Connor, probably triggers war flashbacks of being alive. God I’m an ass.10 points for Kleinman_. He should probably apologize, but, damn it, when's the last time he’s done that? It shouldn’t be that hard, Evan does it all the time. When he opens his mouth the words die in his throat. This is belittling, how the hell does Evan do it so much?

        “What the fuck do you want, Kleinman?” Connor barks, but he doesn't dare approach the other kid. Connor pockets his hands and hunches himself forward and glares at the trashcan tittering back and forth. The position is almost familiar. How often has Evan played this position for Jared to recognize it in someone else? His mind can't help but return back to the unconscious boy back in the truck, Evan really shouldn't be alone when he wakes up after that, but Jared just couldn't let Connor storm off, never to be seen again. They all knew what happened last time he did.

        “I’m-” He doesn't know how to say it. He doesn't know how to talk to him; he just figured out how to talk to Evan without upsetting him. Jared was not up for Edgelord 2000.

        “Don't.” Connor warns. “I’ve heard enough of that this past week.” Jared wants to laugh, because yeah, that's Evan for you. There’s a point of familiarity and Jared wants to get there, because ‘hey, you know Evan, and so do I, so let's get back before he wakes up and has another panic attack.’ “What the fuck are you smiling at? Do you see something funny?” Connor challenges, but he still stays at his distance. He’s always done this. He never comes at Jared other than with his words. Jared knows he’s came at Evan and that it was still a possibility, but not a likely one. Jared’s nowhere near an easy target as Evan is. He keeps his insecurities under a thick layer of insults and bad jokes, just like Connor under his anger and retaliation. Takes one to know one, Jared supposes. “Shouldn't you go back to your little friend?” There it is, the first step forward, but it's Jared's feet moving, and Connor takes a step back. “Oh right, you don't need that insurance money any more.” Connor barks out a laugh, obviously forced he couldn't even bring himself to smile through it. If you play it off, at least do it well, Murphy.

        “Shouldn't you get back to your friend?” Jared tries and it comes out as a squeak, but Connors reaction tells him enough. Connors mind was back at the truck as well.

        “You don't know shit about that.” He says, arms now crossed over his chest, hiding his secrets to the warmth of his body.

        “But you do.” Jared tries a chuckle, finding his hands mimicking the others earlier placement as though depth of his pockets held the right words. Connor let's out a long breath before he haunts towards Jared, passing the other and headed for his truck.

        Oh, okay, he hadn't expected this to actually work.

        He turns to catch up with Connor, causing the taller boy to slow down so Jared can walk beside him without practically jogging. Neither of them say anything to the other, not willing to break the silent agreement of both their wrongs being corrected. Shoulders are slouched inwardly and pebbles are kicked.

        “Why did you take him? There had to be more than to it than to revel in a crowd of black.” Jared speaks up, kicking the pebble Connor almost passed up. He could practically feel the glare Connor gives the pebble before sailing it down the street. Adios. “Okay, okay, you don't have to tell me. That's fair I gu-”

        “The not knowing.”

        “The-uh- _what?”_ Jared looks up to Connor who spared him a glance.

        “Just trying to prove a point that he wouldn't be better of dead. What’s it to you?” Connor gives, but it's empty of malice.

        “Ah, okay, but Evan isn't necessarily suicidal.” The look Connor gives him suggested the opposite, but he doesn't comment. Jared chuckles away the stress easing into his lungs. _Takes one to know one._

        Neither of them dares to speak further on the subject, and at last the truck comes into view.

        “Are we good or?” Jared gave voice before Connor _almost_ broke into a sprint towards the truck. They both wanted out of this awkward atmosphere that burned their thoughts, but as much he hated to admit. Jared needed to know. Connor looks back at him instead, arching an eyebrow in question and stands in the middle of the road.

        “Like good people?” Connor speaks, He looks appalled that Jared would even suggest such a thing. Jared can't help but laugh.

        “Hell, no. We're both assholes.” They both smile at the insult. “I meant like,’ He gestures between them. “Are _we_ good?”

        “If you expect me to say some sappy shit about water under the bridge, or bygones are bygones, you really need to get your head out of your ass,” Connor says bluntly as Jared is a little taken aback, _because wow _,_ okay I know we are assholes but damn. _ “So no, not yet.”

        Jared perks up at that. _Yet._ Okay cool, he may be friends with an almost school shooter. It made him feel a little like Veronica Sawyer. Or was Evan, Veronica? God, he wished he wasn't Martha. That wouldn't end well for them, especially Connor. Nevermind, he was done with this metaphor. The fact that he actually remembers the character to moms favorite movie made him more than uncomfortable, not to mention comparing himself to those characters. He shivered at the thought.

        "We’ll work on it.” Jared replies, quietly, it was more of a question. God, he hated how unsure he sounded. Connor nods.

        “We will be good.” A pause. “ For Evan at the very least,” Connor mutters, walking back to the truck. Jared struggles to keep up with him, but he can tell Connor is refraining from full on sprinting just so Jared could kinda keep up with him. They were just ready to get in the truck and take Evan so very far away from here.  

        Connor pushes the button on the metal door handle and it creaks open. Honestly, how old was this truck? They both peek in the back seat, Connor looks like he’s about to faint while Jared felt it. Neither knew what they were looking at other than an empty back seat.  

        Jared peeks into the window to the front bench and it just as worryingly empty. Connor whips around, looking for any direction to run in, but everything looks the same. Evan could have left in any direction and none of them would be the wiser.

        “Evan!” Connor shouts before Jared hushes him, they both knew better. Shouting would only push Evan further away. Evan couldn't have gotten far, but the radius of possibilities was only continuing the get bigger as they both stood there panicking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Need Encouragement -https://youtu.be/RDxaUtBKucA
> 
> Want to listen to the same 'junior high emo phase, kill me please music' our boys are listening to. Here your go  
> https://8tracks.com/nextdoor1303/connor-s-dope-purgatory-playlist
> 
> we hope you're enjoying our loser fest of poorly written and edited chapters, we would do an annoying stupid self-promo but our profile description does the justice. Hope you have a gay day! -Leo


	9. Search Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neither of them have ever been a part of a search party and its painfully obvious they don't know what they're doing. But on the bright side Jared gets his turn bonding with Connor. - Holy shit its Dannie (Leo is taking a break, she's hasn't been feeling well, but she'll be back next update.)  
> (Leo still here to edit because Dannie's worried about fucking up, same though. Also Dannie deserves all the love. <3 Leo)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, but I found this awesome writing website? Its called Fighters Block , (because it helps you fight writers block. Get it?) and every word you type, your little avatar fights the writers block monster! You can choose how much you want to write and you get writing exp, its pretty neat, even though I sound like a sell out, you guys should check it out. - Dannie
> 
> Leo is going to be out for a bit (insert Evil laugh here cause your girl doesn't understand what a break means <3 Leo), but still feel free to talk to us,rather it be here on at our social media's .-Dannie  
> You can find me on tumblr, @danniesproblems  
> Leo on Instagram @Littleredflame.  
> (Warning Dannie is basically a Connor and Evan love child, While I'm compared to Jared and Alana. You have been warned <3 Leo)

_Evan couldn't have gotten far, but the radius of possibilities was only continuing the get bigger as they both stood there panicking._

        “Evan!” Connor shouts again, he sounded like a worried parent ho just lost their first child at the zoo. Alarm lace every breath. His fist met the gravel beneath him in stressed rage. He blinked. When did he get on his knees? Running his hand through his hair, his breathing becomes more rapid and his eyes burned. He couldn't wrap his head around this, any of this. Evan was just here, curled into the backseat. It's not like he could have gone far, but that didn't stop the fact that they were sitting there. Neither of them cared to know why Evan left, they just wanted him back now, no needed to know. If only Connor could just be there where Evan is, or if he hadn't stormed off in the first place, he wouldn't even have to be worrying about this. God, can't he do _anything_ right?!!?

        He briefly registers Jared trying to stop another fist hitting the red gravel before he shoves Jared, and for a brief moment he thinks Jared got the hint.

        “Hey!” God, Jared is still here. It should have been him that disappeared, or maybe it should have been Connor. At least they could depend on Jared or Connor coming back; Evan was a fucking wild card. “Look man,” Man? He held back a scoff, he was about to cry in the dirt because some kid he barely knew left him behind, and he knew he deserved it. A man was the last thing he was. Hell, he wasn’t even a kid. “I get it.” No, you really don't. “I’m scared too.” Oh. Well fucking act like it. “But we can't just run around losing our minds and being assholes to each other.”

        “Me?” Yep, he was asshole, don't act surprised. Connor stands, clenching his fists so tight he thinks he feels the gravel being pushed out of his knuckles. “Look who’s talking.” He shoves Jared again, but the other boy doesn't back down, he wasn’t Evan, nor was He everybody else. He was Kleinman. The thought of Connor was more amusing to him, he would laugh if Connor even attempted to punch him.

        “Alright- _no_ \- we’ve been over this.” Jared doesn't back down, something Connor has never experienced. God, this kid is stupid.

        “Evan is missing and all you’re doing is standing around!” Connor shouts back, but cracks. He won't be able to argue much longer. Reason is catching up to him: he is not helping the situation by any means, but this is the first time he’s wanted to help. But the fear overwhelmed the want. He doesn’t understand. He never does nor ever will. That fact fucks with his brain, it's all a jamerbed mess of words and feeling.

        “And all you’re doing is yelling. We’re both great helpers, right Connor? Evan has such _great_ friends.” Connors name was forever bitter, and a hopeless smile graces Jareds lips.

        Reason tells Connor that none of this is going to help find Evan, no amount of anger is going to bring anyone back, it never has. So he focuses the urge to crush something into digging his nails into his palm and takes a deep breath in. He feels the air drown out the tight foulness in his lungs and when he exhales it's considerably lighter. He keeps washing his lungs with air until he is able to let go of his palm and stretch out his stiff fingers. They don't have a choice, never did, never will, time to get over it.

 

        Soundlessly Connor climbs into the driver's seat and Jared follows suit into the seat beside him.

        “How far out do you think we should try?” Connor croaks as he slowly pulls into drive and kicks the clutch with his left foot harder than necessary.

        “I guess two miles up this road, and then we’ll try three in the other direction.” Jared stared pointedly into varying yards they pass by.

* * *

 

         By the time the sun set, both had the silent realization that Evan could be anywhere by now, and now they were racing down as many roads in town as the could. It's not like they could see into the yards they passed or the bushes or the fences. It was all dark and the only chance they had was if Evan was actually walking the roads shoulder because that's all the headlights would illuminate.

        And then raindrops began to litter the windshield like a warning before they were surrounded in sheets of rain, prompting Connor to actually go the speed limit.

        “Murphy?”

        Connor spared him a glance and he’s pointing at a pair of headlights in the distance. Ah, right. There was too many real world vs. their world irregularities to keep up with. 

        “That's not Evan.” He grunts as the car whips past them followed by another car.

        “Aren't we supposed to be alone here? Or ? ”

        “You know how those stupid ghost stories always happen in the rain, or at night?” Connor actually stopped at the stop signs now. “ I guess this world and our world overlap at some places.” He looks a Jared briefly who seems to be taking this new information well.

        “What about houses?” Jared asks before looking to the road (like Connor should be doing) with wide eyes. Connor didn't have to hear Jared shout his name to know to look back to the road just in time to swerve around some dumbass dog sitting in the road, but there was still that telltale bump and Connor came to a screeching halt.

        He was shaking so hard he wanted to vomit, but he looked into his black rear view mirror instead.

        “Oh my god, are you okay? Holy crap.” Jared grips his shoulder until Connor replies.

        “Yes! Fuck, of course _I am._ I just hit a mother fucking dog, Oh my god.” There's no anger in his voice, he could bring himself to fake it either. He just scrambles out of the truck and into the rain, but the road behind them is empty.

        “Ha! You missed!” Jared laughs, coming up behind them and now both of them were drenched. Looks like Murphy doesn’t fuck up everything.

        “Wha- No! I felt it! You felt it!” Connor looks at him with wide eyes before trying to get his eyes to focus in the dark. Jared bit back comment about Connor finally banging a bitch, not only was that too morbid (even if it's Connor we’re talking about), that that would be more offensive to both females and dogs more than anything else. He wouldn't want that (especially because of _dogs_ ) so he settled with being a decent human.

        “You felt this Einstein ” Jared toes at a flattened soda can surrounded by dark liquid that had just started to wash away.

        “Oh thank god.” Connor drags his hands through his hair, trying to will his hands from shaking.

* * *

 

       The hum of the engine mixed with the instrumentals dancing from the stereo calm the nerves racing through Connors thin frame. He could only manage thirty mph before his mind would put another animal under his tires, or better yet, Evan.

        “I used to play a couple of these songs when Evan would get upset.” Jared says idly. He doesn't try to start a conversation (for which Connor is grateful for) or expect a reaction. He just says it to say it, and lets Connor do with that information as he pleases.

        The information just makes Connor want to ask about Jared's friendship with Evan. It had been a mess of years of miscommunication last time Connor had haunted Evan, but things seemed at least a little better between them. Jared was still an asshole sure, but _he was just like that._ Connor couldn't remember when he realized that Jared didn't carry any intentions of bullying him. Jared had just been trying to make conversation, but the idiot always commented on the first thing that came to mind. Apparently sarcasm and insults were just part of his so called charm. This probably came into to Connors understanding the moment he noticed that Jared was just a much as an asshole to Evan as he was to Connor.

        Which came to another point, Jared knew about the anger issues and the whole printer thing (God, he wished that rumor would just die already) and _still_ tried to talk to him like he woulds his friends (which still isn't the best thing). Sure Evan knew as well (he was often the one that would receive the blunt end of Connors temper, he was a far easier  target than Jared was), but Evan was still a little nervous around him. Sure, Evan was afraid of everyone at first, and that unease never really went away with anyone. If it had been Evan that had to chase him down in that subdivision, there was no way he would have stood up against Connors challenges. _Most people wouldn't._ Jared wasn't afraid, though, and Connor valued that more than he should because it was probably just Jared's sheer stupidity.

        “How’d you know about the car insurance thing?” Jared asks just loud enough to reach over the sound of rain. Jared didn't look over at him as an invitation to not answer.

        “I haunted Evan.” Connor says dumbly and Jared chuckled softly.

        “No seriously.” He tries and Connor only glances at him with an unreadable look before snapping back to the road. “Oh my god. Dude” He can see Connors hand grip the steering wheel, biting back shame. “I said so much weird shit about you, though weird is accurate for you, but this was real weird shit. I made it seem like Evan was your-”

        Its Connor turn to laugh, like a real laugh with no hint of anger, or batshit crazy. Damn it Murphy, make sense for like once in your life. “My dad hated that I was gay. You kept my legacy alive.”

        “So you’re not mad?” Jared smirked, turning to fully face Connor. Connor doesn't look at him, but he can't really blame Connor for that (not after that dog incident).

        “There are definitely worse guys to be supposedly dating.” Connors smile doesn't fade after his laughter fades so Jared considers it a victory. “Like you.” He can see Connor look at him through the corner of his eye and Jared barks out another laughter. “How are you two?” And then that smile flickers away.

        “Better- I think. Well, _definitely_ better than what we were.” Jared smiles, staring out the window and Connor nods approvingly. “How are you two?” Jared's grin splits his face, the look Connor gives him in return gives away that he knew exactly what Jared was insinuating. Jared was expecting a denial or maybe an insult, but definitely not what he got.

        “You say it like it's scandalous-” There's a twitch in Connors lips before he decides to go along with Jared's shenanigans. “But yeah, and we’re not exclusive.”

        “Oooo, sounds exciting, having competition when it comes to impressing your boy-toy in bed.” Jared laughs back, expecting the negative reaction.

        “You have too many fantasies for your own good.” and a gentle shove to his shoulder was what he got instead. And oh, he can't remember the last time he laughed this hard. Hell, he can't remember the last time someone humored one of his jokes. He’s laughing so hard that a snort sounds when he tries desperately to get more air.

         “Holy shit!” He can hear Connor over himself, and oh, this isn't funny anymore. “You snort!” Connor belts through his mad scientist laughter, yeah, okay, he guesses that maybe it was funny, or maybe it was funny that Connor Murphy laughs like he just brought a monster to life. Hell, Connor was the monster. Jared Kleinman received all the true glory when Connor Murphy fucking snorted. Jared couldn't breath with how much his sides were heaving with laughter.

 

        It takes a good five minutes for either of them to breath normally again, but neither of them pick up that conversation where they left off. It was like the both silently agreed to stop while they were ahead.

        Jared resigned himself to staring out the window and into the dark, wishing desperately to catch a glimpse of that blue polo. How had things gotten to this point? First off, he was dead. All those questions of what happens after death and this is it? It was a little underwhelming. He kept expecting more, but he guesses that it was the point; nothing had a point, not life, and certainly not death. They needed to find Evan, but then what? What was there left to do?

        “Hey, stop that.” He hears Connor beside him. “I'm the mysterious brooding character.”

        Jared tears his eyes away from the window to give Connor a painfully fake lopsided grin. “And I’m the comic relief character with no visible negative emotions.” They were supposed to be terribly flat characters, and they needed to get back to that; that's all they were meant to be, nothing more. Connor doesn't say anything back, probably deciding that giving Jared space is the best thing he can do. “I didn't think the afterlife would involve some stoner kid who takes his emo roll a little too seriously and a rogue best friend. Its last year all over again.” Jared tries to laugh like it was a joke, because maybe it was. Maybe they all were jokes. He sees Connor smile at him from the other side of the dark cab. “Don't start that happy crap. Know your trope, Conman.” it only makes Connor laugh awkwardly.  

        “Conman?” He raises an eyebrow at him, Jesus Christ, did he not know what a nickname was? What did he think ‘Murphy’ meant? What he lacks in common sense is definitely replaced with anger and confusion.

        “It's a nickname, dude. You know, a sign of me not hating you completely ?”

        “Whatever, Clownman.” Connor bites back and Jared blinks because _what?_ “Like Kleinman? Clownman.” Jared is pretty sure he is grinning as Connor is trying to explain himself. “They sound- Fuck you.” He cuts himself off when he sees Jared smiling at him.

        “Fuck you.” Jared laughs back, and he assumes it's the right thing to say because Connor is grinning back as he hit the brakes and Jared hits the dashboard painfuly. Nope, that was why he was smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You better know I'm going to drag this out longer than necessary. (I don't even know where Evan went yet anyway. I haven't gotten that in terms of plot. I don't know if its obvious I'm just as I go) - Dannie


	10. Destination Set

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jared and Connor try to be okay (with each other and with how everything has seemingly gone to shit)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya! It's still Danni as the working admin (I promise Leo will be back next update). I know I'm posting this a few hours early, but my sleeping schedule isn't as rank as Leo's is. There's no way I'm staying up to midnight to post a chapter so you guys get an early update! (note- I can't decide what Connors truck is, nobody knows anymore. it's a fucking suburban or somtithn)- Danni
> 
> Damn it, Danni. I'm getting better anyways, Fight me: You five foot can of unsalted sardines! <3 Leo  
> (It's a black 1972 Chevy Blazer, they're beautiful. That's the only reasoning you'll get.)
> 
> (Blazers are lame, I will not call his truck a Blazer over my dead body - Danni)  
> Funny you mention dead bodies, Miss Malibu's are better than any other vehicle.There are over 3,598 ways to kill someone using a vehicle as the culprit <3 Leo  
> LEAVE MY CAR OUT OF THIS -D

_Jared laughs back, and he assumes it's the right thing to say because Connor is grinning back as he hit the brakes and Jared hits the dashboard painfully, and nope that was why he was smiling._

        The dog had grated more on Connors nerves than he had let on. Every mailbox they passed had him tensing up because what if they were Evan? What if he almost hits him like the dog? What if he _does_ hit him? And then the rain was coming down in sheets, he couldn't see anything Evan sized until they passed it, until it was too late.

        His nails dig into the steering wheel, the rain drowning out the sound of unfamiliar music. He doesn't recognize the beat of the music and he can't make out what the singer is saying; the rain is just too _loud._ God, he can't hear himself think, it's all just one big horror show of sound _._ He tightens his grip on the steering wheel, trying to will that rain to just shut up for a fucking second. The sound of his grinding teeth enter the mix in a jealous rage. God Fucking Damn it!

        And then someone shuts off the radio, everything gets just a little quieter. There's an ebb in the tension building behind his skull, before another mailbox passes with little to no warning, with that, Connor does the first the his mind says. If he does it, maybe the voices will finally shut their fucking mouth. Maybe everything will be quiet again. Maybe it'll be alright again, just maybe. He swerves a hard right, hearing Jared yelp, he smiles. It only encourages Connor more.

        Only until his headlights hit the familiar silhouette of Evan, standing there in still shock.

        He yanks the steering wheel left, he doesn't remember hitting the brakes but the squeal of tires that slams them to a stop. His breath returns. Connor wastes no time scrambling out of the truck and into the rain. Why was he on hands and knees? Did he slip? He frantically crawls to the back of the suburban where everything was lit up with the red hue of the back lights.

        He had felt the bump, he felt him hit the hood of the truck with a crack, and the feeling of the truck slamming into someone echoed through his bones. The truck had hesitated as if it had just hit a speed bump and nothing else.

        “Evan!” He’s screaming, somehow making it to his feet again and the first thing he sees is the long black marks of tires leading to a form laying in the grass just a few yards up the road. God, he was going to throw up. “Evan!” He’s running, he can feel the rain seep in through his clothes, clinging to him like it's trying to smother him. Was he crying? Fuck.

        He stumbles to the form, a bent mailbox with a shattered wooden post.

        It was never Evan to begin with.

        “Hey Con.” Came a quiet voice beside him.

        Connor looked up from the wreckage without a hint of light in his eyes. It was like he was void of everything; fear, adrenaline, frustration, impatience. Everything that had been coursing through Connors brain was gone now- even the annoying voices in his head, yet he couldn't bring himself to be glad about that.

        “Let's get the hell out of here before the homeowners catch our asses.” Jared’s face had the same indifferent grin, and his voice lacked any strong emotion. Connor still followed him wordlessly back to the truck.

        “We can't find him like this, there's no way he’s walking in the rain.” Jared says as Connor climbs into the back seat, laying the bench seat down into something a little more comfortable. Jared gets the hint and climbs behind the wheel as Connor curls under a ridiculous amount of blankets.

        With lack of better direction, Jared backtracks to the small subdivision they were recently at, and silently hopes that Evan was still in the area and would just come to the truck if they were where he left it.

        Jared hated feeling like he was doing nothing, but there's nothing else they could do. So he crawls to the back and lays beside Connor in his makeshift nest, guilt playing with heart strings, like the devil dragging his hands on an angel’s harp. Dull yet terrifyingly painful.

* * *

 

        There is only a soft drizzle when Jared wakes up. He’s on his side with a leg thrown over Connors, who is awake and staring at the ceiling like it held the answers to everything. So Jared stared at him, because rolling over meant letting Connor know he was awake, so he accepted his not so awful fate.

        Connor seemed unfazed by the leg thrown over him, and in fact, had rested a hand on said foreign leg as if he already accepted it into his personal space.

        God, Jared was fucked. First off, he might actually be friends with Connor Murphy, or maybe they were ‘good’ now. Second off, Jared had long accepted his fate as the painfully overused trope of a pining best friend who doesn't have _any_ other friends. (Evan did better on the social ladder than Jared, and he honestly wasn't sure if he should be proud or embarrassed) And now, through a very unwanted twist in fate, Jared finds himself in the same situation _again_.

        Frustrated with himself, Jared rolls onto his back. He knows Connor is looking at him and honestly it was fair considering his own starring earlier, but he needs to say something before Connor does. Terrified of what Connors sheer bluntness would come up with.

        “What’s it like being gay?” Ah, yes, brilliant Kleinman, just brilliant. Did he sound like he was teasing Connor about his sexuality or was he being a little too obvious in his interest of Connors sexuality? There was no winning, but if he opened his mouth in any attempt to save himself he would only shove his foot in it, so he awaited his fate silently until Connor answered.

        “It’s not like anything, since the only guy I’m stuck with is you.” Ah yes, a sarcastic reply. A way out given just for him (along with the reminder of his current pining friend status).

        “Okay, wow.” Jared scoffs, but he feels relieved enough to look back to Connor beside him. “I thought we had something.” He smiles easily when Connor rolls his eyes, far more alive than last night. And then Connors eyes settle back on him, his mouth twitches as if he were reminding himself not to smile. He doesn't say a word, but there's an unspoken question that Connor is asking, and yeah, Jared guesses it was fair.

        “Pansexual.” He says.

        “Typical.” Connor laughs, apparently giving up the war in hiding his smile.

         “I know, I am pretty awesome. What else would you expect?” And he gives his signature shit eating grin, because not only was Connors hair even more ridiculous when it was curled and flattened and standing up in all sorts of directions; they were also talking about Jareds sexuality and laughing, and laying next to each other after Jared just figured out that apparently he may have a thing for possible school shooters, and everything was _totally_ a-okay. He was absolutely not screaming on the inside, nope, not at all. _He had whatever this was under control._

        “That's no where near what I meant, and you know it.” Connor snorts.

        He didn't, honestly. Yeah, He knew he wasn't awesome by any standard. Connor probably meant that Jared’s energy and bad jokes fit the stereotype very well, but that didn't stop Jared from feeling a blow to his (horribly constructed) pride.

        He can see a frown forming on Connors face. Jared is just a softie who can dish out deprecating jokes but can't take them for shit. Connor looks back to the ceiling for another topic to change to.

        “Evan has got to be demi.” Connor changes the subject to the common interest between them, because apparently they just couldn't get along without that bridge. It brings Jared to when Connor had specified his disinterest in him, but not Evan. He could see it, as much as he could see Evan liking Connor back, which was unfortunately possible. There had been a long stretch of time where it was just the two of them, not to mention Connor had haunted Evan for a period of time before this. Which only proved how fucked over Jared was in life (and apparently death). If he would have to third wheel to his two friends crushes then maybe this was hell and he would have to distantly watch them be happy without him for all eternity.

        “What? Thats where you’re wrong.” Jared plays along.

        “I'll bet you on it.” Connor challenges.

        “Depends on what your packing.” Jared feels a little more at ease with bantering with him. He could pretend they were ‘good’ again.

        “Fifty on Demisexual.” Connor sits up, stretching out like a cat trying to crack its back.

        “Hell yeah, my man pulling out the big bucks.” He springs up, a grin stains his face as he drags his prey in “I’ll match you with Bisexual.” Connor stares down a blue sweater laying limp on the floor boards instead. “There’s no way he skipped town, he’s probably camped out in some tree or something.” Jared tries to somehow reassure Connor with what they were both thinking. Connor didn't seem to appreciate the effort though.

        “I don’t think he would- he- no.” Connor shook his head, crawling into the front bench. He normally would have enjoyed the view of Connor bent over the back rest before almost rolling onto the floorboards upfront, and his long legs kicking the roof of the truck as he fell. But _this_ was anything but normal.

        “I wasn't serious.” Jared tried to chuckle, following Connors oh so graceful example into the front seat. “Let’s try his house? He lives in that old subdivision, up there on the right.” He could feel realization flood his face just as it did Connors.

        “Why didn't we go there first?” Connor spoke for the both of them.

        “Probably because we were both losing our minds?” Jared shrugs and there was another friendly twitch to Connors lips. “Why do you think he just- left?” Jared further spoke their minds.

        “We’ll find out when we find him.” Connor says, pulling the truck into drive and hiding his worry with a thick layer a indifference.

        “What if we...you know, _cant?”_ Jared spoke, watching Connor turn a corner sharper than necessary. Jared shakes his head lightly, making amends “No, right, we’ll find him.” Connor doesn't comment on Jared's doubt. He doesn't comment at all.

         Jared resigns himself to staring out the window, idly pointing which roads to turn down as Connor silently follows his directions. Why did it always come to this? Evan would have phases where he couldn't talk to anyone because Jared was just so hard on him without realizing.

        And now Connor, who made an effort to not give a fuck, couldn't talk to him either. Jared was just difficult on everyone. Evan wouldn't come to him because Jared would make everything worse, no matter if he actually tried to help for once in his life. Why would Connor be any different?

        There was a hand curling around his own. Looking down, the change hits him instantly. Connors black nails look out of place against Jared's stubby fingers. He doesn't deserve a chance, he’d just ruin Connor. He doesn't deserve the hand squeezing his, nor the grounding it provides, but it's there. He gives Connor a glance asking an explanation, but Connors face is rigid and glued to the road ahead of him.

         “Don't say a goddam thing, Kleinman. Just take it.” Connor tries to stay stern, but it comes out quiet. It shouldn't have made Jared relax as much as it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still not bringing back Evan. Who did you expect me to be? You think I just gonna make them happy? (There are too many fics that just feel like Kleinman is a third wheel even if it's supposed to be sincerely three, and I will not stand for it anymore. Evan is NOT the center of their relationship, and I'll do everything in my power to keep that from happening. Connor and Jared need bonding time okay?) Evans okay, I promise. You don't have to worry. (He's doing better than these to idiots running around with their head cut off anyways) -Danni
> 
> GIVE KLEINMAN ALL THE LOVE <3 Leo


	11. Home at Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fucking Evan, also lots of talking and love.  
> (that's his name now, Fucking Evan)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'When think of Evan I touch myself.'  
> Which translates into 'I rub my temples cause he gives me a fucking migraine' <3 Leo
> 
> I show my love with salt. *covers Will Roland in salt*  
> Also I'm back, which means time to cringe cause Danni is better, WHOOP WHOOP!

_“Don't say a goddamn thing, Kleinman. Just take it.” Connor tries to stay stern, but it comes out quiet. It shouldn't have made Jared relax as much as it did._

 

        Evan woke up disoriented and not sure where he is. Well, other than the obvious ‘Connors backseat.’ They’re parked on the side of the road which was strange, Connor never stopped traveling unless he had to. Which he guesses is still true: Connor wasn’t in his line of sight. Evan was supposed to be used to being alone, even after detrimental panic attacks like that. It wasn't exactly Connors responsibility to comfort him, but Evan was sure he wouldn't just up and bolt. Or maybe he would, and Evan really didn't know him at all. Connor didn't want to babysit Evan, but he couldn't blame Connor. _He would leave him_. Not because he’s useless and broken but, because the value of time wouldn't find it's worth spent on him.

        He watches as his hands reach down to fiddle with the hem of his shirt, wearing down the fabric of his shirt with his avid attention. He should probably stop, doing this consciously will only feed his habit. Instead, he notices the note scribbled on his hand in a blue blur.

_‘Con n me wnt 4 a walk, brb’_

        His hand tingles under the ink. He recognizes that handwriting, with that he’s back to working the fabric between his fingers. Jared's dead, officially dead now, and they all know why. Evan can't help but destroy everything he touches. He’s awfully clumsy and the only thing he’s good at is being good at nothing. He managed to fuck up with Connor within the first day of talking to him, landing Connor here, alone for an entire year. Jared did a good job of tolerating him, but the moment Jared was sincere with their friendship, Evan had to go and get them both killed. He didn't deserve either one of them. Even better that thanks to Evan, they're going to be stuck here until they figure out how to kill the others.

        That's when Evan decides to make a decision for the best. Evan would only hurt them, and they’ve been through enough. Evan didn't deserve any of this, all of it was his fault. A voice rings in his head, a voice fighting against the silent shouts of him leaving them a distant memory. He didn't want to be alone for the rest of eternity but what other choice did he have? He couldn't wait around until they got back, he couldn't tell him how he felt. They didn't have to babysit him and Evan wasn't going to guilt trip them into doing it.

        So he ran the moment his feet hit the pavement.

         It didn't take long for his feet to take him to his front door. As if on instinct. All he wanted to do was curl up in his bed and rot away to nothingness, that was one way to start off an eternity alone.The past week sheds off of him in layers as he walks in. He was finally safe, there was nothing else he could ruin. Tears sting his eyes, as a smile forms. He just ran from the only two people in this dimension yet he felt so relieved. He finally did the right thing. He finally did what's best for them rather than himself. It caused a holy feeling in his chest, a lot like the feeling of watching a bittersweet ending, and Evan considers this a good thing.

        He climbs the stairs to his room before nearly screaming. His mom was sitting on his bed silently, a photo album rested in her shaking hands. She just stares, surrounded her falling tears was Evan’s graduation photo tapped on the open page. _This was once again his fault_. Evans' heart lurches at the sight. He shouldn't have come home, how stupid did he have to be to think that he has a safe place? Everywhere he goes he leaves people hurt, there’s no escaping himself.

        Mom raised her head, looking up at him, or maybe through him. No, no she’s definitely looking at him. He considers making a break for it, he could probably make it to the front door before she could be sure that her boy was more than a passing hallucination created by grief.

         “Evan?” She’s standing, placing the album gently back on the bed before she takes a gentle step forward. Everything in Evan is telling him to run and never look back, but his feet stay planted in place in the doorway.

          “I-I” He starts, why did he let things get _this_ messed up. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn't mean to get Jared hurt, I messed up, I messed up and now they’ll be worried about where I am. I- I’m wasting their time, and now yours, I’m so sorry, you deserve a son who is alive, and who isn't stuck in some ironic twist of fate and I'm so-” Her arms squeezed around him, in a much-needed embrace, tears stained their faces. He let out a breath, a thank you note written within in lungs to all the times she loved without hesitation.

          She holds his face in her hands and Evan tries to remember a time he has ever seen his mom this happy. She’s hysterical, laughing and kissing his face between ‘I love you’s and ‘My perfect boy’.

          It's only when Evan holds her back that she comes back down from her high. “I am definitely not complaining, but how? How are you here?” Her grip doesn't falter, afraid the moment she let go, Evan wouldn't be there if she reached for him a second time. Afraid that reality would take _her world away_ once more, her baby boy couldn’t leave her this time.

          “I guess home is sort of like Target? I mean, like, you know how when you walk into Target, it doesn't feel like it's really connected to reality? That’s because it's- well, my world- or dimension?- overlaps in some areas of this reality? Like Target or here. It's- it's pretty interesting. We went to a hospital to visit Jared and the hospital staff was there. The first living people I saw since I woke up, heh.” He rambles as Heidi takes a moment to take in the newly found information.

          “We? Are there other spirits?” She seemed at a loss for what to call Evan.

          “Just- just one other than Jared.” He spoke quickly, glancing down to the note on his hand with guilt. Please don't ask who. Please don't ask who. Please don't ask who.

          “Who? Are they here with you?” She apprehensively looks over Evans' shoulder, and out of instinct he looks over hers. It's raining pretty bad, huh.

          “No! No- No it doesn't matter. We get along so it doesn't really matter.”

          “Then why are you not with them?”

           Dammit, she’s got him there.

          “I- uh. I just wanted to- I just can't do it today.” He says and his mom recognizes the phrase immediately.

          “It's a good thing today's almost over then, huh?” She tries her best to remain casual, but Evan can sense her eating questions. He nods anyway. “Tomorrow you need to go let them know where you are, honey. They're probably worried sick. I know Jared would be.” She slowly detaches herself from her son and pats his arm. Yeah, they're probably worried, but that's not exactly the reason he did this. He was trying to help them, he was trying to save them. He couldn't go back, but he also couldn't come back home if his mother was home, no matter how much he needed her. He was running out of options fast. He could tell his mom that he would catch up with ‘them’, but hole up under an overpass like anyone would instead. Oh god, he’s going to be a homeless person for all eternity. Or he could find another Walmart to live in. Yeah, that sounded like a good idea.

          “I go find them first thing in the morning.” He tried to be believable but Evan was never believable in choices like this. His bluff was an easy catch.

          “I’m serious. Why don't you want to go back to them?”

          “I can't.” He was already in too damn deep, his wish to fade into non-existence was at an all time high. He expected to be scorned but instead, mom’s face softens, love and concern danced in her eyes.

          “Why, baby? They’re probably worried sick, you can't deny that.”

           “I hurt them. I don't know if I can stop. I killed Jared, Mom! I was the last person to talk to Connor and I didn't do _anything._ I haven't done anything good worth worrying over! I can't hurt them if I'm not with them.” A crack in his voice shut him up, tears welled in Heidi's eyes. He fucked up once more in this never ending turn of events.

           “You’re hurting them now.” She proclaimed softly, as if it was far worse than anything Evan had voiced. “You’re not to blame for the accident, and you sure as hell are not to blame for Connors suicide, but you are responsible for running off without telling either one of them where you are and worrying them sick.” She wore the same face as when Evan was ‘sick’ the day before the school dance Junior year. It's the face wanting to make him go, but not knowing how to make him feel like he could without pushing it out of him.

            “You don't- that's not- but I-” But what? That was his last argument. She disapproved of it, but she just didn't understand. He couldn't be around them. He didn't have a _good reason,_ he just knew that they'd end up hating him and Evan wasn't about to stick around to see it.

            “You are always welcome here, baby. This is still your home.” Connors passenger seat is the only thing he pictured when the word ‘home’ hit his ears. He missed sitting by the window, watching the world pass by at eighty miles and hour. The only way the world truly moved was when Connor sped past it. He nods, leanings into his mother figure. he wasn't sure if he was going to leave or not, but if he was sure of anything it was that he wasn't going to look for Jared and Connor first thing in the morning. “It’s been a long day for the both of us. Can you sleep?” She asks with a warm hand on Evans' cheek. Sleep wasn't necessarily needed, but he was emotionally exhausted so sleep definitely sounded heavenly.

             He nods again before laying down on his mattress which was infinitely better than Connors passenger seat. Heidi joined behind him, wrapping an arm around him like an oversized teddy bear. He couldn't blame her, he didn't want her to let go just as much as her will not to. Evan was in junior high the last time they laid like this,  it was addictingly nostalgic. Sleep came easily in his mother's arms, the sound of rain washing the day's pain away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our loved boy is back with Momma Hansen, so we're kinda blessed.  
> MOMMA HANSEN IS THE REAL BEST BOY! <3 Leo


	12. Recollection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Occasionally, A damn is given.  
> FLUFF.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> News flash - apparently Evan isn't the only one with feelings.  
> Also, every time you get dressed, remember if you die, that the outfit you'll haunt people in. So stay classy <3 Leo

_Sleep came easily in his mother's arms, the sound of rain washing the day's pain away._

 

His mom wakes up with the sun rise like usual to get ready for work. She’s surprised that he’s still here. He understands, this doesn’t feel real to him either. He's waiting for his body to dissipate beneath him, but it never does. He doesn't feel the need to stretch or yawn like she does, he doesn't feel well rested or tired either. He just feels like he’s been awake if.

           If anything, he only feels guilt.

          “Will you be here when I get back?” She asks before she exits his room in favor of getting dressed. He supposes some things will never change, dead or not. She can't skip work for you;  _selfish._

           He nods even though he’s not sure. He wonders how far the nearest Walmart is on foot.

           “I’ll see you soon honey.” And then she disappears down the hall. He thinks of the very likely possibility that this would his last time talking to his mom or ever seeing her. It’d be so easy, all he would have to do was walk out the door and keep walking. Nothing could stop him, except maybe himself. He didn't want to live alone in a Walmart, at least in this set up, he wouldn't be costing his mother thousands for medication and therapy. He didn’t want to be alone, but he needed to be. It would be better for everyone. Maybe he could stay here and keep her company. He wouldn't be ideal, but he was sure Mom didn't want to be alone just as much as Evan.

            He hears her footsteps retreating down the staircase before the tell tale sign of a door shutting. He is completely alone. He rolls over in bed and tries not to acknowledge it. But he doesn't have to, there's a creak of someone coming back up the stairs to signal otherwise. Mom probably forgot her purse or something, Evan tells himself, it can't be an robber, or a ax murder. Who could kill a dead kid anyways? They could kill Heidi. The front door only opened once, what if she’s dead on the living room floor, or what if she’s bleeding out and Evans is just sitting up here as she slowly meets her agonizing death. Would she be in the same dimension as him? Or was there an age limit on this place? How would he get to stay in his room forever if his mom was already dead? They would have to sell the house, but no one would move in because yeesh, a woman died a bloody death right there in the living room, if you look close enough, you can see where there's blood stain on the tile, and to make things worse, her son, who died in a car accident a week before is hau-

            There was a knock on his door. It was soft and afraid to disturb, and not at all ax murderer like, unless it was one of those slow murderers who just slowly hunted you down until  you couldn't run any more. The scary movie ones, who always wore a ma-

            There was a heavier knock on the door, a demanding one. Probably two ax murderers, one of each. Like good cop, bad cop, except they were both bad. One would be loud, aggressive, and wouldn't play games, they'd just kill you violently, without giving you a chance to scream. If Heidi was already dead, it would definitely be by him. And of course, the slow one wo-

             The door opened, revealing a very livid Jared, and a distant and unsure Connor. Both had their hands on their hips and arms crossed receptively like some sort of hipster music album cover. Evan would have preferred to be ax murdered any day. Yeah, Ax murders would amount to less torture than whatever this was.

             “What the hell, Evan?” It took everything in Jared's power not to scream his head off. He had spent the whole night worried that Evan was rolled over in a ditch, drowning in rainwater. Even worse, if they drove anywhere Connor would be so paranoid of hitting Evan that’d he’d fall apart. So it’s not like they could check. But Evan was okay. He was okay, they were worried for no reason at all. Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe he was just terrified he’d never see Evan again, only to realize everything wasn't as bad as it seemed. Maybe Evan just needed to go home after the day he had, but Jared just couldn't get over the fact of how easy it would be for one of them to just walk away, never be heard from again.

             “I- I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Evan spit out and he sounded like a broken record player, nervous and insincere.

            “No, you’re not.” Connor beat Jared to it, Evan eyes snapped towards his hands sitting in his lap. Why did he always look so guilty?

            “You can't just run off like that, Evan! Leave a note or _something.”_ Jared’s anger dissolved in his throat. He swallowed back tears the best he could. His mind was a non-stop chanting of ‘Evan is okay’ ‘Evan is here’ ‘everything will be okay, so why are you so worked up?’

             There was a shove to his shoulder, he looked to Connor who was awkwardly trying to signal that _maybe you should go hug him, you big cry baby._ So that's what he did, and this time, Evan didn't run. He melted in Jared's arms, tears flooded their eyes, because right now nothing mattered, though Evans tears did warm Jared's heart a bit. Not like he'll ever admit that he’s glad everything's okay, Evans okay.

             “Don’t do that.” Jared weakly laughs. It sounds more like a sob than anything else, but it makes his shoulders feel exponentially lighter. “Damn it, now you gone and made me cry.” ‘Occasionally’ Jared gave a damn. He messily tried to wipe Evans tears away, but both decided that Evan rubbing his face in Jared's sleeve worked far better (which wasn't saying much). Evan glances over to Connor who was standing in the doorway, he was debating on whether or not to just wait downstairs while the boys had their moment. A mirror hanging on Evans bedroom wall gave Jared the insight of the eye contact made, he can see the moment Connor decides that he was intruding. He remembers the way Connor laid in the mud, absolutely wrecked because his emotionally exhausted mind desperately wanted to see Evan again, but just had poor timing. There wasn't just mud and rain on Connors face once Jared got him back into the truck.

             He wanted to turn and tell Connor that he was just as much a cry baby as they were, and just come over here already, but Evan got to it first with a simple grabby hand stretched out between them. His fingers only barely grazed the front of the others hoodie but Connor had acted as if he was practically yanked to them.

             At first it was weird, Connor was just awkward about the whole thing, between Jared and Evans tears, and Connors death grip on both of them (his way of internally crying, they guessed.) Evan apologized sincerely. It was hard to stay mad at the kid with a snotty nose and tears running down his face. Connor tried, but his composure soon enough crumbled too.

             “I didn’t want to hurt you guys anymore, I don't want to use you- so I just, ran.” Evan voice was muffled as he tried to pull himself away from the others. They reluctantly gave him that space, trying to keep their hovering to a minimum.

             “How the hell are you using us?” It was the first thing Connor had said in a while, he sounded as if he were crying as much as the other two.

             “I- well, you know,- I” He just _was._ Evan didn't have any examples to back it up though. It took him a moment to put together that it was just some deconstructive bullshit his anxiety had shoved into his head. He had no other reason to believe that he was slowly sucking the life out of his friends other than the fact that he just knew that he was. And now he was sounding like an idiot.

             “Evan, we want to be here for you.” Jared hesitantly pulls Evans hands from his face. Connor hesitantly steps behind Jared, looking like he wants to say something, but terrified he might say the wrong thing.

             “Both of us.” Connor says quietly, looking away as if he could pretend that he hadn't said anything at all. “So don't run off or we’ll hunt you down again.” Connor owns up to that second statement however, taking advantage of the few inches he has on Evan to look down at him.

             Evan would have been threatened if Connors eyes hadn't betrayed, him letting a drop stream down his cheek. Connor inwardly curses his emotions.

             “Thank you.” Connor has to stare down a desk that occupied the room. Trying to ignore Evan’s squeak, because God fucking dammit, his eyes are _weak._

            “Are we good?” Jared snags Evans attention and he nods quickly before-

            “Ye-yes. Yeah.”

             Jared makes the damned mistake of looking towards Connor, who had lost his staring competition with a desk.

             “Yup.” Connor shrugs with a small knowing smile. Jared took a moment to pull himself together. Fuck you Murphy, sincerely, Fuck you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Insert cool witty remark here cause your girl Leo is too lazy for this]  
> Well, according to my calculations.We're pussies - Jared in response to this scenario


	13. A Day Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anxiety and Cuddles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a little late compared to the normally posting schedule, I was distracted by videos of Will Roland. Send Help. <3 Leo  
> ( It's 5 am instead of the normal 1 am)
> 
> In other news, you can buy my silence permanently. For only 8,000 a month, I will stop. Thanks.

_Jared took a moment to pull himself together. Fuck you, Murphy, sincerely, Fuck you._

 

       Jared was the first to pull away. Connor and Evan followed suit soon after.

      "Downstairs? I feel a movie marathon calling our names." Jared grins and it feels like a breathe of fresh air on his face. Maybe things will be okay after all.

      "I have a few nature documentaries recorded. If you guys want to- not that you have to - we can watch whatever really." Evan squirmed nervously under Connors hand that rested on his shoulder, exactly three centimeters away from his neck. God, he should be calm with asking his friends something. He would hate to be rude. Wait where they even friends? What? Of course, they are! Jared didn't miss how Connor kept close, Connors shoulder brushing his own with purpose.

        It has been a long week for Connor.

        "Mind numbing nature documentaries sound heavenly right now." Connor muttered with a shrug, but they could both hear the tired sincerity to his voice.

         It was Jared that lead them downstairs, even though Evan lived here, Jared was almost a second resident. Maybe Connor would know his was around as well since he's been here before in this weird incorporeal form, but for now following Jared mindlessly was easier. Briefly walking them into the bathroom and a closet was too easy, who knew mindless children were fun to fuck with. Oh yeah, Jared did, and boy is it fun! Evan probably needed some mindless nature documentaries too. Hell so did their guide, though watching Connor slam into a closet door did help

         Nevertheless, he lead them downstairs and Evans eyes fell on two twenty dollar bills on folded the kitchen table. A written note rested nearby. Evan visibly tenses earning Connors hand squeezing his upper arm. Connor has been oddly touchy, Jared mentally noted. It's when Evan freezes in his spot, and as if Connor had burned Evan, he pulls his hand away. Connor has a hard time holding the frightened look on his face back as he moves in front of Evan.

        "Evan, hey kid, hang in there. Can you take a deep breath?" Connor hovers, desperately wanting to touch him, to ground Evan to him or anything really, but terrified of doing anything that may worsen the situation. Evan only shakes his head no, an answer is progress. He's still there for the most part.

        "That's okay, We'll get there. Just breathe, any air is better than none." And now Jared is hovering receiving a thankful glance from Connor. Sharing a similar pale face as Evan, Jared fought his trepidation which threatened to overfill at the sight in front of him.

         Evan finally heaves a breath out before desperately sucking more back in. Good, he's coming back. Jared follows by example, never missing how Connor joins, a bit better than Evan, but needing to level nonetheless. Evan falls into their rhythm.

         Evan seemed exhausted by the whole exchange. Connor on the other hand little wore expression at little too happy for the current situation. Connor only missed his mental breakdown because Evan took that place instead, he hadn't expected to ever feel that relieved after something that emotionally draining. As if he hadn't known it was possible to come back from the edge without riding out the whole fall until now.

         Jared tries not to think too hard on that. It explained a little too much that he wasn't sure if he was ready to understand. How salvageable was Connor?

        "Do you want to talk about it?" Jared asks softly as Connors hand wraps around his arm, squeezing his support for Evan onto Jared instead. Upsetting the boy with continuous physical attention again needed to be avoided at all costs. Maybe Evan will feel it with sight? Just as he felt comfort within Jared’s voice, not physically but psychologically.

        "We're- she always- I" Evan cut himself with a sob, curling in on himself the best he could while standing. Jared's arm crumbles painfully under Connors grip, it’ll definitely bruise if he was alive.  

        "She always leaves money on the table." Jared supplies, biting back a wince. "Is that why you are upset?"

        Evan nods before crossing his arms over each other in a petty attempt to hug himself. His fingers curl around his lower arms, nails bite into thin skin with shaking hands. Connor draws the line when it comes to standing off, Evan doesn’t know that he’s doing this. But if this was stated, it wouldn't stop him.

        So Jared watches as Connor steps forward. He was steady, wearing a facade thick enough to _almost_ fool Jared. _Almost_.

        He doesn't grab at the hands abusing Evan’s arms, or grips his shoulders. Instead, he gently pried his fingers between Evans fingers and his arm.

        Only for Evan tears backward as a response, like Connor feared and Jared knew Evan would. Although, watching Evan Hansen scare Connor Murphy into an apologetic retreat (Jared couldn't think of anyone that had spewed that many apologies in the span of a minute other than Evan and Heidi) was almost comical if it didn't come with the context that it did.

        Jared takes a bold move, knowing that Connor was nearing that edge again. Guilt was _definitively_ trying to push him over. If the way Connor wanted to comfort someone was anything to go on; gripping his pinky finger and watching him to practically deflate his tension was definitely concrete evidence that Evan and Connor took physical comfort far differently.

        He doesn't have to remind Connor to breathe, he already closed his eyes: focusing everything he had on breathing and the warm reminder on his pinky. Jared couldn't help but smile, feeling a bit proud. Connor learned fast.

        Connor instead pulled his finger away with a soft glance, Jared didn't have to hear the thank you to know it was thought.

        God, dammit. No one had any right to look that pretty after coming back from the edge twice within the hour, but he absolutely fucked that idea. Connor looked like he was practically glowing, because yeah, he avoided a panic attack not once, but twice, Jared wishes Connor felt as proud of himself as Jared did.

        Evan, however, was now curled on the couch arm, slowly letting the tension out in long breaths, Connor dimed at the sight of him. Guilt didn't look good on Connor just as exhaustion didn’t on Evan, Jared decided.

        "I'll grab some blankets." Connor stated softly before removing himself from the room.

 

        He was too rough around the edges to stay still. Connor found his way back into Evan's room like he had time and time before. Ready to shovel the comforter into his arms before a certain jacket caught his eye.

        His old black jacket. As in his jacket, in Evans room, Connor sure didn't put it there. With an _'Oh, yeah..'_ he managed to fit the pieces presented.

        Between Larry and his mother's support, Evan had ended up with a weird mix of Connors belongings; from an old tie to an ancient birthday gift. The jacket, on the other hand, wasn't from either of them. Evan had taken it himself. Of course, no one stopped him, not even Connor, it had no use hanging in Connors room collecting dust anyway.

        Connor had worn that thing throughout most of high school, he kept it around like some sort of baby blanket. Comfort blanket is probably the correct term for it, but he'd eat, sleep, and live in that jacket. It was familiar and comforting like not many things where. So, on that fateful day, he had come home only to grab two things; enough of Larry's old man pills to kill a horse, and his jacket. He'd be damned if he didn't die in the thing as well. (He guessed it worked out because he didn't feel too damned in whatever this afterlife was.)

        That jacket was the only part of him that made it home the following night. He didn't follow it, nor felt the need to. His fucking ghost still had the jacket on so that's what mattered. So when Evan claimed the jacket, (Connor insisted that he wash it first because even though it was a clean death it was still kinda gross) Connor let him have it, it still served its purpose even if it wasn't for Connor anymore.

        He takes the jacket off the hook, grabbing a pile of blankets along with it.

 

        Static. Evan thinks he hears the sound of ringing in the distance, it's probably just his mind trying to fill the silence. Jared piles stolen snacks onto the coffee table before looking at Evan silently, waiting for a request. Evan decides to leave the last Nerd Rope for Connor and instead points at a bag of caramel hard candies. Watching as Jared unwraps one and moves to drop it in his hand. Good, he hated fighting those wrappers with shaky hands.

       "How much did you guys steal from Walmart? I'm impressed. You're turning my boy to a life of crime." Jared glances over Evans' head, probably questioning Connor. Evan wondered where he had gone. Finally, with both in view, he feels a little more at ease with his spot on the couch.

       "Just enough for you to have a nice bed to sleep on." Evan smiles a little at the inside joke. He pulls Evans, Connors? Their? Well, a familiar black hoodie from a pile of blankets before hesitantly stretching out an arm to hand it to him. Great, he's been worrying Connor so much he can't hide it anymore. Evan takes it anyway, mumbling a barely audible 'thank you'. Connor looks proud of such a small accomplishment, but Evan lets him take it. Only bothering to slip his arms into the jacket as he curls into the rest of the folded up material.

        Jared claims the middle seat, draping some blanket over Evan to his left and Connor, who was slowly moving in on Jared's cushion, to his right. Just as Evan expected, Connor lunges for the Nerd Rope before Jared has a chance to check it out. What he wasn't expecting was for Connor to tear the thing in half (purposely sprinkling Jared with Nerd crumbs) to offer Evan some. Jared gives the candy a curious glance as Evan (accidentally gets Nerd crumbs on Jared, but that doesn't stop Connor from grinning in victory) tears a piece for Jared to try.

        "Good lord, this has an awful texture. What is this? A rat tail covered in nerds? How can you two stand this?" Jared forcibly swallows his portion. Connor has never looked more insulted by Jared than he has in that moment, and it takes everything in Evan not to fall off the couch laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready to Fight Jared, I love the boy but I feel strongly for nerd rope. Down to fight at all times. <3 a salty Leo.
> 
> [ Insert witty very original joke here ]  
> (Re-edited by Danni because you can tell it was done at 5am <3


	14. This Is Totally Not A Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is memetastic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for updating a day late, I have chronic migraines along with insomnia so instead of doing my job, I binge watch youtube and play wizard101 like the child I am. That's a lie, children are cool. Danni flipped me off as a response, which is practically her only means of communication, so I'm sure she was showing her support. We have lost balloons, plates, a mailbox and many other items to this cause. We're okayish people, I swear. <3 Leo 
> 
> Due to Error, we will return to our original posting schedule ( of every other day) on Wednesday, July 26th, 2017. We thank you for your patience.

_Connor has never looked more insulted by Jared than he has in that moment, and it takes everything in Evan not to fall off the couch laughing._

 

  The couch fit the three of them quite well considering the following; Evan was still a little touch sensitive, the boys could get away with was brushing his hand when anyone went to grab another snack, on the flip side Jared struggled to pry Connor from his side to grab said snack, though Jared couldn’t complain. He was more than willing to be the barrier between the two polar opposites. What Jared wasn't willing to do, however, was let ‘Planet Earth’ on  Discovery Channel doom them to yet another hour of boredom. As if seven hours was enough. Connor had seemed mildly interested at first, commenting here and there about how 'If they camera crew are there, why don't they just help the damn cub instead of leaving it to die?', but now he idly stares around the room. Jared wasn't sure if he was dissociating or just day dreaming.

  With a soft nudge, Connor turns to Jared easily and without hesitation. Probably just day dreaming.  

   ‘What the hell? Another documentary, it is confirmed this is indeed hell. Don't worry Alana I’ll save you a seat like I promised.’ Jared smiles to himself, Alana's voice rings in his ears. If only he remembered what she sassed back. He then turns to Evan, who was staring off blankly mimicking Connor in many ways. It was disassociation, by the way, Evan snapped back to the screen when the importance of tree canopies become the topic of interest.  Apparently, his brain just wouldn't skip the chance to gorge itself on tree facts despite how emotionally exhausted Evan was. _He just wanted to turn his brain off for a moment._

   That was the point of the documentaries. It was supposed to be blank noise while they let their minds unwind and wander to la la land. This method would in no way help Evan, as much as he would deny it. Evan would always be picking up factoids from God knows where. It was how he did so well in school despite missing so many days. He watched documentaries like housewives watch soap operas, though his preferred programming provided no mental break.

    What the hell did Evan do to relax after anxiety episodes? Jared had no fucking clue. He was still kinda new to the whole 'be there for your friends instead of being an asshole'  gig. Evan didn't go to school on days like this; Jared wouldn't be allowed over (probably because Evan knew that Jared would only make it worse ), Evan wouldn't respond to any of his texts. Jared had nothing to go on (other than Evan’s hatred for making up school hours at the end of the semester). How long had he and Evan been friends? He's supposed to know shit like this by now.

   Connor nudges his shoulder back, enough time has lapsed for those nudges to be unrelated from Jared's earlier ones. Connor needs something? Looking over to Connor who is looking a little bemused. He nods in Evans direction, urging Jared to say something.

  It's been quiet other than the dull narrator's voice for the past few hours. Anybody else starting to speak now will probably startle Evan, leaving Evan unprepared if it was directed at him in any shape or form.

    "We're almost out of popcorn." Jared says into the air, earning a look from Connor   _'You were supposed to address Evan, not the disgusting excuse for popcorn'_ written all over his face. That's awfully specific for just a look Murphy, chill. Connor then eyes the remaining four large bags of popcorn, ignoring how Jared's line was only meant to exist, nothing more. It was meant to bring Evan back without putting him on the spot.

   "Wanna get some more? I need a break, the voices in my head are starting to sound like that God forsaken narrator." Connor quips back, momentarily forgetting his grudge against pre-popped popcorn for the greater good.

   As the unfortunate middle, Jared directed his attention to Connor disguising their real intention. He had no idea if it worked, but when Connor (who faced Jared as a way to Evan in his vision by default), nodded to acknowledge that Evan, in fact, did look over to the ongoing conversation. They would make great undercover spies.

    "You can finally have your backseat." Connor offers as if it were something devious like an inside joke. Evan grins slightly in response, suggesting that it was some sort of inside joke. Jared was willing to give the whole third wheeling thing a go if he could feel the relief of Evans smile after that many tears, over and over again. He was willing to be okay with the fact that Connor was the one that made him smile like that if only Jared could see their every hesitant smile break the horizon like some sort of sunrise.

    Evan nodded silently. He liked that idea.

 

   Evan took the backseat and remade Connors makeshift nest into his own. As for Connor, He took his assigned seat behind the steering wheel before patting the middle seat in a silent invitation that Jared took.

   He willed himself not to read into why Connor fucking Murphy wanted _him, Jared Kleinman_ to sit a quarter inch away from him. Where he would be in the way of the standard stick shift when there was a perfectly good passenger seat beside him. It could be because physical contact helped Connor feel better. It could be because that's just what friends do, they were friends now. It could be because Connor liked having him around, and possibly liked him more than a friend. Jesus Christ, try to think _rationally_ Jared. Connor spent six hours in his personal space, and even longer if they wanted to include when Jared had used him as a leg rest. What was the difference from then and now? Connor actually asked for Jared be in his personal bubble, which was taboo to Jared, his own family never asked for such a thing (other than relatives who don’t understand the concept of personal space), much less from someone he liked. That was the difference, the _very big_ difference.

   He just needs to enjoy it while he can, he doesn't know how protective of a boyfriend Evan would be.

   Speak of the devil and he shall arrive, or better yet, climb over the back rest and into the passenger seat. Good Lord, Jared wasn’t sure if this was a gift from the heavens or torture in the form of teasing him with something he could never have.

    Evan shifted uneasily against his door, keeping a defined line of space between him and anyone else. But he had moved up here with the rest of them, and Jared was grateful that Evan was feeling better if even a little. Jared pulls the aux cord closer, never missing how Evan eyes him warily.

   In all honesty, Jared hadn't planned on doing this, but Evans silent judging look was practically an invitation to it, he was sure Connor was never a victim of this other than over the internet, he had to. It was practically his duty.

   Evan was kind in Connors first experience; he didn't try warning or complaining until Connor barks a

   "Are you fucking with us?" With a wild grin, the lyrics of Never Gonna Give You Up filled up the suburban. "Not in my truck." He says with a grin that makes Jared proud of everything he's done until now, because yeah, he did that. He made the Murphy smile.

  Jared is sure to let Evan know he doesn't regret a goddamn thing but is interrupted when he notices Evans silent laughter turn into soft huffs of chuckles. Jared is on cloud nine. Breaking news, Jared has just ascended into heaven.

   "Alright, alright, I'm not totally evil. I won't force you guys to listen to the whole thing." He couldn’t wipe the smile from his face if he tried. Noticing a playlist he once made for Evans bad days (it was one of the few things he could do to be helpful), after reviewing the music, he clicks onto ‘To Build A Home’.

   Evan subtly moves away from the cold hardness of the old door, leaning into the warmth of Jared. He could finally move toward them without his skin screaming that he's disgusting, that he's trapped in pure filth. It was as if he was cleaner than he had been in the past few hours. He wasn't painfully aware of how his tongue wouldn't sit in his mouth right like his tongue were swollen, and it was harder to imagine ants crawling under his skin like he was a tree himself.  

   He wasn’t forced to think about it. He could just be here with Jared and Connor, but he didn’t have to speak. He didn't have the energy to talk back if they wanted him to, so they didn't press. Jared just smiled brightly at him, and in a way, it felt as though it held wattage. The electric warmth hits his heart. Connor, on the other hand, drapes a long arm along the back of the seat, fingertips brush his shoulder only to draw patterns. Grateful for their silent but insistent support, Evan smiles lightly.

   They soon pull into a familiar parking lot that is void of a Walmart or any store that could possibly sell pre-popped popcorn. Adding more confusion to the possibility of Connor actually wanting more of that ‘shit in a bag’.

    "Where are we going?" Jared questions as Connor parks up onto the sidewalk. Let’s hope to God he didn’t do that when he was alive. While Jared could practically see the ‘Asshole parking’ written in chalk surrounding the vehicle, Evan was silently grateful none of these stores had double doors.

    "I wanna paint. You both are free to join." Connor spoke, climbing out of the truck. He didn't do very good at hiding the fact he wanted them to just hurry up and get out. Evan couldn't believe that he once thought Connor was indifferent and gave no fucks at one time. It spoke volumes on just how much people didn't know Connor.

     Deciding not to dwell on that, Evan climbs down from the truck to follow Connor and soon Jared into Pottery Barn.


	15. Yep, Not A Date By Any Means.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dino mugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan needs to be strangled 2k17 - Danni  
> (And your editor while you're at it, God I hate abbreviations <3 Leo)
> 
> Larry isn't that bad, kids. He just isn't ready to be a father. He needs love too. All fiction characters need love ( maybe not Jermery......All the salt to our handsome boy, Jeremy.) <3 Leo

_     Deciding not to dwell on that, Evan climbs down from the truck to follow Connor and soon Jared into Pottery Barn. _

 

      Evan doesn't seem too interested in painting but was more than content watching Connor paint. It was probably a bit therapeutic for him. Connor knows for sure that the slow, steady flow of creativity did eons more than what any nature documentary could do. Not to mention coloring his dinosaur mug of choice, was a remembrance of when Larry brought Zoe and himself to a similar shop wanting each to paint something for mother's day. The man wasn’t all bad, he just wasn’t ready for kids. If only he learned this sooner, maybe he could’ve been a better son.

    Evans playlist plays softly between them, drowning it out to a gentle acoustic in the background Connor smiled tenderly at the dino, catching his friends in his peripheral. Evan seemed a lot calmer than Connor has ever remembered seeing him, trying not to be self-conscious as Evan is practically stimming by watching Connor focusing diligently with a mug in hand. He unconsciously blows the hair out of his face wishing he hadn’t already tainted his hands with paint so he could tie this mess up.

   Connor catches movement out of the corner of his eyes, and subtly watches Jared paint a nail on a distracted Evan. Blue stained the nail plate in a tragic excuse of art, at least he missed the cuticle. Connor looks back at his own work before Evan could notice that his attention went elsewhere. 

   "Blue isn't his favorite color, you know." Jared jumps, not knowing his actions went noticed. Damn Connor was good, he even made sure to make slow untraceable moments. It takes a minute for Evan to come back, only to blankly look to his hands with an 'oh, okay' expression. 

    "What, you don't know shit Con. You'd have to be color blind to not know Evans favorite color. Did Pot damn your vision as well? Damning lives one hit at a time" Jared says with a proud grin and Connor chuckles at that. 

    But Evan shakes his head 'no' with an amused smile, the Klein boy was taken aback, he was supposed to be the best friend that knew everything. He feigned wounded, gasping loudly, only for Connor to blow a raspberry in response.

   "Drama Queen." Connor quips as he dips his paint brush into the water and both he and Evan watch as the water turns into a pastel purple. 

  "Then what is your favorite color?" Jared props his head on his hand, abandoning the mess that was his matching dino mug.

      Connor was about to answer with a 'He doesn't have time to bother with color like you', but he watches Evan gives the glass of purple water a curious look before tapping the side of the clear cup.

   "Blue and purple are practically the same thing anyway." Jared rolls his eyes, giving Evan a friendly nudge. Connor tries not to say anything about it. Maybe Evan was ready for touch again. Or maybe he wasn't, but then Connor would have to drag Jared over this table and, and... and make him sit on the other side so it didn't happen again. Yeah, that's good. Good plan.

    "What? No, they're not." 

   He watches as Evan sticks his tongue out at Jared, eyes squinting playfully. _ Ha, you tell him, Evan. _

      Evan then points at Connor as if he proves the point. Connor isn't sure how he helps the point. Yeah, why is he pointing? Is it necessary or?

   "I'm guessing  your favorite color isn't black?" Jared looks amused even though he sounded accusing. Connor isn't sure how he got that just out of Evan pointing, he wouldn't mind learning Evan language. 

     To be honest, he's not exactly sure why Evan isn't talking yet. He seemed pretty okay now, or maybe Connor was awful at speaking Evan language and was just impatient. 

    "Nope." He pops the p for that wonderful indifference tone. He looks to Evan, hoping that maybe he would let the color slip from his sealed lips. 

    "He's having a day off. Talking is a lot of work so he's off of work. We can still talk to him and he can still communicate. But sometimes talking is just too much." Jared speaks up, grinning at Evan in a way that was him trying to sound supportive and understanding. 

   Connor blinks. Apparently, Jared spoke Connor language, and Connor wasn't sure if  _ he even spoke Connor language.  _

  But he could relate; some days he just couldn't talk to Larry, or Zoe, or Mom, ( mostly Zoe) but it's not like he was having a bad day. He just _ couldn't. _ It just felt like a chore, but then they would probe so any words forced out of him were ugly and harmful. 

    Mom had said to let the words out so they didn't hurt him, or get bottled up, but she didn't get it. They didn't exist until they were forced out, they resided between his lips and teeth, forever aiming at his tongue. They never took aim until he spoke them. Leaving a nasty residue similar to that of gunpowder. 

    "Oh my God, is that a thing people can do?" Connor doesn't think before he talks. Today wasn't a day like that. 

   "Yeah." Jared shrugs. "You get em'?" Jared paints another nail despite knowing Evan isn't distracted anymore. Evan doesn't stop him either, instead, he rests his hands in Jared's palm so he can properly work. Connor has no real reason to haul Jared to his side of the table anymore, though it did sound fun. He spares a glance at his own chipped nail polish instead. 

    Evan eyes the window of the shop, the grill of a familiar truck stood in all of its glory. Oh, Connor guesses a translation.

  "My blazer?" He asks, and Evan nods before tapping his wrist where a watch would sit. Ah, bingo

   "I was sixteen. My mom was trying to teach me responsibility, I guess. I paid for half of it, even though all I had to do was save my allowance and not blow it on weed and cigarette's." Connor shrugs, and why did he just openly tell Evan Hansen he smokes weed? He already knew yeah, but he was a good kid. The both were good kids. Good god, he was nothing like them.

  Jared laughs instead and Evan huffs soft breathy laughter. 

   "You act like she was the one that got played." Jared says, grinning, the other finally cracks an audible laugh. Connor thinks of a time he would be angry they were laughing when didn't understand why. He wouldn't stand to be the butt of someone's joke and that's what he always assumed, he didn’t understand nor did he try to. Now he's willing to sell a little of his pride if he was being made fun of. It was just Jared and Evan. He doesn't know when he allowed himself to be picked on so he just smiled through it. "Oh my god." Jared is practically choking with laughter. Connor assumes this is why he’s so okay with them picking on him. "I'm sorry." Jared doesn't seem sincere though Connor doesn't mind. "You just looked so proud when you said your mother tricked you into giving up your weed money, it was adorable." Ah, okay that's why they were laughing, their resident ‘druggie’ as Jared would call him, finally put together that yeah, he had been played by his mother. But adorable? He didn't think that description even came close. Evan? Yeah, definitely. The shy type was always his thing, and even though Evan wasn't necessarily shy, he carried himself like he was. Jared? When he snorted because he was laughing so hard, Connor could see it. Connor just wasn't like them. 

  "Jokes on her, I was able to do more juvenile behavior on the go." Connor tried.

   "Mm." Evan didn't seem impressed, he mentally frowned. Connor never thought he'd see the day where he would try to impress with his bad habits and fail.

  "Do you have a car, Mr. Big and Bad?" he challenges.

   Evan shrugs before glancing at Jared.

   "Used to." Jared answers for him. "This dumbass tried to drive home from my place one night drunk off his ass and Heidi nearly killed me." Evan looked as if he were slowly realizing that this wasn't a story to be proud of, earning a hollow chuckle from his speaker. "Luckily, he just flipped that poor car into a ditch and only slightly scarred himself, he wouldn’t go near a car for four plus months." Connor doesn't miss the haunted look he gives Evan when the other darts his gaze down to the table. 

  "Drunk driving, Hansen? You're a bad kid like me."

    Evan's first response to that confession was pride. He's shy but bad, who knew? Apparently everyone but Connor. Evan shyly high fives the hand offered. "Can you drive a stick shift?" And Connor feigns innocence when Jared tries to stare him down, giving one good disapproving eye roll.

  Jared waits for Evan to shake his head 'no' before elaborating. 

   "He can't, and he hasn't driven since the incident, so nothing of the sort his happening." Jared's tone is flat, Connor's crossed the line. Fuck. Connor swallows the first sentence that formed in his throat. Allowing his venom to settle in their sacs, insults are definitely not recommended in such scenario. 

 "Can you drive a stick shift?" he directs the question to Jared instead, watching as Jared tries to force his hostility out of his posture. Connor reminds himself to do the same. He knows Evan is watching the interaction like one would watch a bomb about to go off. 

   "Psh, yeah. Easily, I drove yours. Remember?" Jared raises an eyebrow. "I think you were somewhere else for a little while there. I drove us back, smart one." He shrugs like it was no biggie. Connor could only suppose it wasn’t, why’d he even ask? It's not like it held importance?

  Evan pulls his phone out before deciding that Jared could figure out what he was asking with a simple look of 'what the hell?'. Or at least that's what Connor thought it said. It was amusing to see such an accusing look painted on Evan, of all people.

   "Taught myself." Jared grinned with so much pride that only the incredibly insecure could master. "I read somewhere that it was super hot if you knew how to drive a stick shift." He follows up. And there it goes, the pride falls off of him in layers. Way to go kid, almost had them fooled.

   "How's that working for you?" Connor asked, amused. Connor wouldn't necessarily call Jared hot for knowing how to drive a stick shift. He would probably go with useful, smart if he was feeling generous. The idea that Jared was self-taught when Connor had taken about two weeks to be able to get the thing around the block with Larry's instruction, in itself was impressive. Maybe that's what Jared meant by hot.

  "I mean, I don't think it really worked out for me, but I recently learned it's a  _ very  _ true statement  _ now, _ " Jared said something incredibly risky and looked it, but Connor couldn't help but feel that it had gone over his head. He tried repeating the sentence over in his head. 

   Evan, however, was furiously typing into his phone and handing it to Jared to read. Evan avidly watches Jared for a reaction. Okay, this is getting uncomfortable for him. Connor didn't like that mystery text, especially when Jared shoved Evan with a red face.

 "Evan!" 

     And Evan was coughing back whatever reaction he was having. 

    The fuck is happening? Are they planning his death? Had he finally crossed the line? He didn’t mind dying a second time round.

          "What is it?" Connor tried prying.

    "N-nothing. Nothing. Evan's just- we're ignoring Evan, okay?" Jared forced out. 

     Connor wasn't going to ignore Evan, that wasn't the answer he wanted. What had Jared beet red and Evan grinning like a schoolgirl? They're oddly acting like each other, which Connor must say is actually quite hilarious.

    He soon voices that exactly by barking laughter unannounced, the two boys immediately changed their composure and were currently trying not to die on the spot. Evan was quick to pocket his phone, and Jared managed to level himself and slings an arm over Evans' shoulder. 

 

   Once Connor wasn't around to stop him, Jared was going to strangle Evan until he's in Hell or Heaven. However, this place worked after you get brutally executed. 

       Good friends don't call other friends out on their crush when said crush is  _ sitting across the table. _ He thanks any and all deities that Evan was having a quiet day because they all knew Evan had a bad habit of talking without thinking, he was like Connor when it came to being a wild card of conversation. And he thanked Connor for being short when it came to things going over his head, because Jesus Christ, Evan just responded to Jared's crush with a ‘haha, same’. 

    Jared deemed it official. Evans sense of timing was far twisted than Connors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [insert witty remark here]


	16. A Foot In The Real World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scary movies and 'You're life can't be completely falling apart if at least your car is clean'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ian is best boy, who has been showing us love from the very beginning so mind our tiny mention of our baby boy. He deserves all the love. Ian.thomas.tyler is a blessing <3 Leo

 

_Jared deemed it official. Evans sense of timing was far twisted than Connors._

   There was plenty of daylight available, so Connor zipped by frozen traffic in a direction opposite of Evans house. He wasn't sure if they were going back. Neither Jared or Evan had asked about it. Connor wanted to. He had spent long enough wandering around, his gut pulled him in the direction that little house. It wasn’t his house, but it already felt like home. It unnerved him to no need, Hell home didn't feel like home, why was the Hansen house any change. Plus, it wasn't his home nor was it his place to suggest going back to.

     He wasn't sure where he was going. He wasn't following his gut, that was for sure. It twisted his stomach and begged him to turn around. He hated how normal it felt, he almost missed this feeling; knowing it’s wrong. Wrong had a simpler outcome; he understood it more.

   Connor looks up to the rear view mirror to watch Jared show off their newly painted mugs. Damn, he was even proud of Connor’s mug. He refused to point it out though, Jared’s normal ‘what the fuck is your problem ‘ face was calmed to a pleasant gleam of a smile. Silently glancing to the front seat every now and then, apparently, they did have a positive effect on each other. Mom was right, Evan is a good friend, and apparently so is Jared. Jeez, he was sounding like Zoe’s fucking rom-com that's she blasted at one in the morning when jazz wasn’t ‘enough to tire her out’. Fucking cramps and other lady shit, only made Zoe worse.

   "Now we gotta make you one." Jared broke the silence, earning a smile from both Evan and Connor. Though he wasn't exactly in that conversation, it was weird. He didn't feel left out. When was the last time he felt included? When could he listen in on someone else's conversation and it not be weird? Hell, when did he enjoy listening to Jared Kleinman talk? That's what really got him.

   "I can't believe you painted yours pink. It looks like a pre-schooler made it." Connor decides to join in, only because he felt he would be welcomed, and being able to just talk was a liberating feeling.

   "What about yours? I'm pretty sure that an edgy middle schooler did it." Jared chimes back before Evan hand him his phone to read a text. "Ha! Evan said an edgy middle schooler DID paint it. Get him, Ev. We're calling you out Connor." Jared was leaning against the backrest separating them from Connor, just short of resting his chin on the driver's shoulder.

   "You don't know anything about me in Junior High." Connor tries. He knows it was a losing battle.

   Connor could see Evan point a challenging finger at Jared. _Oh, he knew it._

   "Care to explain?" Connor grins as Jared gives Evan a _look._

    "Traitor!" Jared collapses onto the floorboards. Evan, on the other hand, doesn't look the least bit regretful. In fact, he looks the utmost proud of himself when he slides his hand down his lower arm to mean 'glove sleeves'. Connor was floored.

   "Those striped sleeves? He wore those God awful sleeves?" Connor could practically choke on his laughter. Jared rose a shoe-less foot to try and take out his enemies (or Evan because he wasn't about to kick the driver while he was driving). Evan lets out a shriek when a bare toe touches his cheek, reaching out for help. "Get up here! I'll protect you from the toe monster." Connor grins as he can see Evan push Jared's leg back down before practically vaulting over the backrest to end up on the floorboards as well. "Graceful, Hansen. Absolutely graceful." The safe zone came with a loud mouth jerk, but Evan would take that over toe monster any day. Jared’s regular bath bomb infused 'me time's didn't mean Evan would openly allow his toes anywhere near the vicinity of his face.

   Evan sputters indignity while Jared barks laughter from behind them. Connor can see the foot rising in the rear view mirror, slowly edging toward the back of his head. "Kleinman, I know you're not stupid," Connor warns, trying to suppress the grin on his face. "Don't do this to yourself." And yes, the foot slowly retreated. Connor slowed to a stop at an intersection. While he kept his foot steady on the brake, he snapped back just in time to grab ahold of his foot with a tight grip.

  Jared _screams_. He flails on the carpet in an attempt to get the hell away from whatever the hell just grabbed his foot like it was a horror movie villain and he, was stupid enough to let his foot dangle off the bed. Connor has to let go of the foot in favor of one: avoid getting kicked, and two: to hold his gut so hard because he was laughing so hard it would hurt if he was alive. He could see Evan was laughing until his tears blurred his vision.

   "Mother fuckers." Jared breaths, but a soft smile graced his face.

   "Fucking hell, Hansen, next time he falls asleep, we're dragging him off the bed by his feet." Connor coughs laughter as Evan nods in complete agreement.

    "You two are the real boogeyman." Jared sits up, slowly leaning over the front seat to get a better look at the two. Connor, who officially parked the car in the intersection, and his sidekick in crime, who was slowly progressing under the bench seat.

   Connor pretends to look out the back window instead of Jared's oddly suggestive way of climbing over the back rest. And by looking out the back window, he means keeping that other situation in his peripheral without being obvious.

    He deems it safe to look fully over to the two other boys once Jared has soundly plopped into the front seat with the rest of them. His eyes meet with Evan, receiving a weird look.

    Connor thinks he's seen that look before.

    Evan looks briefly at Jared and then back at Connor. That look turns into understanding.

_God damn it all to hell and back._

     He really wishes Evan hadn't figured it out. Realization hit him like a fucking bulldozer, and apparently, he had a thing for loud assholes as much as quiet deceivers. And said quiet deceiver knew about the loud asshole. How did it get to this point again?

   "If you guys are feeling oh so scary, why don't we go watch a scary movie? I'm sure we can find a pretty good one on Evans DVR." Jared says, propping his head on the back of the rest. It was a typical teenage girl flirt gesture, though Connor wishes the way Jared had accidentally ruffled his own hair against the headrest was stuttering adorable as he thought it was.

   "The movie theater still runs here. It's an overlap." Connor says idly, trying to shake Evans eyes off of him.

    "What do you think, Ev?" Jared toes Evans' chest, who is still on the floor below them. And boy was he glad for Jared's distraction. (He's also glad he had vacuumed out his car not long before he decided to kill himself. Hey, your life can't be completely falling apart if at least your car is clean.)

   Evan nods his approval.

* * *

 

    The parking lot of the theater is just as still as the rest of the world.

   "Are you sure it's an overlap?" Jared cautioned climbing out of the truck, leaving the door open for Evan to climb out after him.

    "Nope, we're here just for fun." Connor said even though his mind was elsewhere, _where the hell did he put his wallet?_ He digs into the glove box, and ah, bingo. The car door opens before Connor has a chance to open it himself. Jared stands idly on the other side as Evan offers a hand down.

    "My truck isn't that tall." Connor says but takes Evans hand anyway. An excuse is an excuse. Evan only rolls his eyes.

  "Maybe to someone who is ninety percent legs like you, but I know poor Evan almost fell to his death." Connor lets go of Evans' hand before it's noticed by the boy and definitely before Jared can say anything about it.

   "Evans only a couple inches shorter." Connor says as Evan bumps Jared's shoulder. "You're the shorty." Connor continues, translating the insult.

    Jared just blows a raspberry as he opens the door to the movie theater, and once again, stands on the other side for Evan and Connor to walk through. However, Connor is stubborn and holds the door from the inside so Jared can slip in.

    "Evan said that people that touch the door when it's being held open are usually hard headed." Jared quips as he walks in, pausing when he sees a worker behind the counter.

   "Evans right." Connor replies, watching as Evan moves to stand behind Jared as a group of teenagers comes in behind them.

   "You know you touched the door too, right?" Jared grins, gently grabbing hold of Evans' hand, tension fades in his expression before shrugging awkwardly. Connor looked at the concession stand instead. Or at least towards it, since it was swarmed with laughing teenagers and so-friendly-it's-fake cashier telling them the benefits of a reward program. He tries to steel himself for that and focuses on tapping the palm of his hands with his fingers in a pattern.

   "Can they see us?" Jared speaks up beside him, and damn, he doesn't remember when they got this close. The two were close enough to him to share a tile to stand on.

    "Unfortunately. It's like we're completely normal people to them, er, well."

    "I don't think any of us come off as normal people." Jared stated, gently tugging the wallet from Connors' hand in silent understanding. "What do you want?" Evan stays in place by Connor, idly watching the interaction. And, oh wait, God, no. He'd rather deal with the worker and crowd. Jared can't leave him alone with Evan right now because Evan KNOWS.

    "I dunno, popcorn?" Connor quizzed instead.

    "Drink?" Jared waves his hand in a circle as if it were obvious.

     "Coke?" Connor lets go of his final chance of redemption.

    "Gotcha." Jared turns and leaves Connor in the jaws of Evan. Fuck.

    When did it get like this? If anyone were to tell him he would be silently begging Jared to come save him from Evan, he would have laughed. He wasn't supposed to be dependent on Jared, and he sure as hell wasn't supposed to be scared of Evan. It was supposed to be the other way around. God, Connor was a pansy.

  Evan glances to his prey before resting his eyes on Jared, softly bumping Connor's shoulder. Good, God. He didn't want to do this.

  "What's it to you, Hansen?" Connor tries to be bitter. Maybe he can scare Evan more than Evan is scaring him. It shouldn't be that hard, right? Evan was like a squirrel, and Connor had been terrified of those tree rats as a kid. Mom had said that they were more scared of him than he is of them (very doubtful because he would probably faint if one aproached him even to this day). He just had to believe that. Yeah, Connor is a big bad scary guy. And Evan was just a squirrel, and Connor is pretty sure squirrels (and Evan Hansen) can smell fear. What if Evan was made of fear? God, that would make so much sense.

   Yet Evan is pulling out his phone and typing out a message, damn it. He considering the possibility of just sprinting out of the doors of the building. He would, if it wouldn't guarantee being alone for the rest of his life.

   Evan hands over his phone but seeing that a forest is his texts background, Connor can feel air return to his lungs, feeling a little more at ease. He's just a tree nerd; get your shit together, Murphy.

_It’s cool, I get it._

   "Oh, really?"

   Evan nodded a _yeah, really_. Before eyeing Jared animatedly talking to the worker.

   "Really?" Connor’s realization settling in because _holy shit_.

   Evan nods again before typing out another message.

_You should tell him_

    "That's where I draw the line, Hansen. Let's both be realistic. You'd have a better chance anyway." Connor concluded. Already done with this conversation. He isn't scared anymore, but he is a little disgruntled by the reality, because of _course_ one of his crushes would like the other.

    "You guys ready?" Evan practically jumps out of his skin. Jared hands Connor his bottle of cola. The side of the bottle reads 'Share a Coke with Ian'. Hmm, his first crush. Like he needed that memoire. Evan receives a bag of M&Ms and a Sprite. Ew. "I got us a large so we can all share if that's okay."

    Evan nods, looking over to Connor with a knowing look.

    There's no way in hell Connor is going to fall victim to those cliche hand touching over popcorn scenes and he needs Evan to understand that it's  _way_ past where Connor had drawn the metaphorical line earlier.

   "I don't really like popcorn." Connor shrugs, just now sharing this information to spite Evan more than Jared.

    "Wha- what are you?" Jared expressed his disgust. Connor just grinned.

 

    They slowly made their way through the crowd, and Jared was sure to spare a hand for Evan to hold in a death grip as they squeezed past. Evan offered a hand to Connor, and with a lack of better options, gripped his hand back just as tight.

    Connor took full advantage of his legs once they got into the theatre; walking up the stairs three at a time. Evan was close behind with a pace of two at a time, and Jared followed suit, climbing the stairs like a decent fucking person as fast as he could. Connor picks the seats at the back of the room, and Evan definitely approves of this decision.

    Jared, the designated popcorn holder, sits between them even though Connor has denied the overly buttered popcorn with a(n adorable) scrunched nose. (Jared wasn't going to pass up the chance to sit by BOTH of them.)

   Connor idly presses his feet onto the seat in front of him after making sure it was empty (he wasn't that much of an asshole, okay?), and drapes his arm over the back of the seats beside him with the need to stretch out. What he hadn't expected was he had laid one arm over Evans' arm behind Jared. Evan didn't flinch and Connor didn't exactly want to move his arm off the others.

    "Wow, I'm swooning. You both have the same moves." Jared grins as he leans his head back on his upgraded head rest, successfully pinning both of their arms in place.

   Connor thanks every fiber of the universe that this is when the booming music of the intro fills the large room.

* * *

 

   The movie was alright, Connor guesses. He had stolen (it wasn't stealing if he asked _and_ paid for it, but whatever) a few handfuls of popcorn earning eye rolls from Jared, who made no move to stop him. He just needed something to chew on, okay? It didn't take long for Evan to offer him some M &M's in response to that.

   Evan held up better through the movie than what they had expected, considering it was a suspense movie. Usually during a particular stressful scene he would hear Jared mutter an 'oh, god' and wheeze at the jump scare following. It hadn't taken Connor long to put together that when Evan had removed his arm from the pile up on the backrest, he had wrapped his arms around one of Jared's to squeeze whatever life was remaining out of it.

   "Move to the other side. I'm tapping out, Evan, you're killing me." Jared whispered to the two boys on either side of him. Connor silently moved to Evans side; the boy's arms slowly wrapped around his. And oh, okay, keep it together Con. You just have one of your crushes hugging you, its cool. (Connor is silently fuming that he fell victim the scary movie cliche when he so masterfully avoided the popcorn cliche.)

   Jared rubs a hand along Evans back as he watches is the movie. The gesture makes a warm feeling inside his chest beside the feeling caused by Evan hugging his arms so tight Connor could feel his dead racing heart.

    The movie was starting to seem a whole lot less scary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading


	17. Good things and Bad things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'For Us'  
>    
> POSSIBLY TRIGGERING  
> Jared and Connor being extra relatable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert the shit ton of excuses I could use but not going to. like a Grand Opening, doctors etc. NO EXCUSES ARE ALLOWED  
> Can one fight themselves?
> 
> I could never truly admit how much of a bad person I truly am due to me re-watching videos of Miles Luna or Will Roland being wonderful beans, you can't be that bad of a person if you love those two. Right?!?!?! Anyway, sorry for the delay of updates. As an apology, I'm giving you two chapters in one day. <3 a slightly deranged Leo

_The movie was starting to seem a whole lot less scary._

 

    When Evan had begun clutching Jared's arm as well, Connor wasn't sure. All he knew is that Evan had pulled them against their arm rests, hugging both their arm in a bundle during a particularly stressful scene before he hid face first into the crook the two arms made.

    When Jared began holding Connor's hand, Connor's uncertainty rose. He just knew that Jared would squeeze his hand during stressful scenes as well. He wasn't sure if he did it to keep the blood flowing in his arm despite Evans death grip or if he was actually tense.

    Immediately upon Connor pushing up the armrest he knew Jared would follow his example, the pain in their sides may have resigned but they were soon dragged into Evans seat: a place of no return.

 

   With the end of the movie, awkwardly separating stared them down, Connor could practically feel where Jared and Evan were on his left arm. It's oddly warm and tingly compared to his right. He is quick to fill his lone hands with the boy's empty cups and popcorn bag. Jared, feeling oddly out of character, shuffles silently behind Connor as he weaves through the tiny isle, giving Evan enough time to scan over their seats to make sure that nothing was left behind before catching up.

         Once their trash was discarded, there's nothing to distract Connor from the fact that he had held Jared's hand for a solid hour and could physically feel how empty it was. He grips his left hand tight, feeling the bite of his nails in his palms, and then he opens it, stretching the fingers as far out as they'll go. Empty.

     He glances at Jared, who apparently has nothing to say about the movie. That's a first, maybe they should go to the movies more often.

    "You good?" Connor grunts, realizing just how long he had gone without talking. He tries to look indifferent, just in case he was reading too much into his friend's silent treatment. Actually scratch that whole ‘let's go to the movies’ bullshit, Jared's voice is well needed at the moment.

   Jared looked up, startled.

   "Yeah." He breathed. Well, that wasn't very believable, Bullshit has been called a second time. "We're still good?" Jared continued as he shoves his balled right hand into his pocket. Connor forces himself to not stare at his hands too much. That's too obvious.

    "Yeah, why wouldn't we be?" Connor stops in his steps. This is probably a serious conversation that he should actually focus on. Jared didn't seem okay. Friends made their friends feel okay, right? Connor really didn't know how to make anyone feel okay. He bites his cheek instead of saying anything else.

   "One can never be too sure with _you._ " Jared looks awfully proud of himself walking past Connor.

      "And what the hell does that mean?" Because what the hell? What did he do? He thought he was being obvious that he was Jared's friend. _He held his hand for Purgatory's sake_. Why the fuck couldn't Connor have a friend without everything going to shit? The shitty thing here was that Connor could usually tell where he screwed up. All his friendships ended in him losing his cool and flipping out. But he hadn't done that recently and he was a little proud of himself. He thought he was doing good. "You just gonna ditch us?!" He calls after him as Jared pushes the door to the exit. He couldn't let Jared ditch them. He didn't know Evan that well. He didn't speak Evan language. He didn't know how to help him. Evan should be following after Jared. He'd be better off with Jared. Him keeping his cool was the only chance he had if he was going to keep them both.

     Instead, Evans presence was steady beside him.

     "What did I do?" Connor stared down Evan. He hated how desperate he sounded. Evan knew Jared. Evan would have a better clue as to where the whole thing derailed.

    He looks to the exit doors solemnly.

   " Self-destructive. He- " Evan whispered, trying to get his words together. Connor wanted to hush him. He didn't want to force Evans words, but he just didn't get it. "He tries to turn on what's good in his life because- I think he thinks he doesn't deserve it. He fakes self-confidence, but he gets it mixed up with bullying sometimes" Evan takes a step towards the door before looking back at Connor, silently pushing him without touch. Connor had to be the one that fixed it. Connor didn't know if he could.

    Connor wasn't supposed to be a good thing. There's a very thin line between doing bad things and being a bad thing, and Connor had only recently discovered which side he was sat on. But he understood it from Jared's point of view. Everything good in Connor's life had come to an end, usually leaving him in a mess of anger and loneliness. And here he was with two good things, one of which was standing a few feet in front of him, and the other outside because they thought Connor was a good thing. Connor could already taste the bitter loss. He was already in the process of losing one of his good things and he wasn’t sure how soon Evan would follow after.

   He didn't think he could handle another downfall. Connor was already too dependent on them, and it _terrified_ him more than anything that it was only a matter of time that this too will end with him in a mess of anger and loneliness.

   For a while he had tried to become a person that deserved what he got, because if life is going to fuck him over he might as well have it coming to him, right? It didn't take him very long to realize that he didn't have to try too hard to deserve it. He was a shitty person, to begin with.

  "Bullshit." He answers Evan as he charges towards the doors because he'd be damned if he let his good things feel the way he did if he could do something about it.

   He didn't know what he could do about it.

   They found Jared sitting silently in the back of the Tahoe. He doesn't stop looking out of the window when Evan opens the back door for Connor only to shut it behind him, they can work it out on their own. Jared's eyes never move when Connor sits beside him as if they were unable to move

   Connor doesn't know what to say. Honestly, fiction made this seem so easy like the answers are just in one's heart, but Connor was never really in tune with his heart. Hell, his real one was probably dirt now anyway.

  "You're good," Connor says dumbly. Jared probably doesn't understand that, but Connor sticks to that.

     "That doesn't make any sense, Murphy." Jared laughs, and the smile says it all. _He's laughing at you._

  Connor has to swallow his first reaction and replaces it with Evans words.

    "Good things deserve good things," Connor says and he's sure it still doesn't make sense. He doesn't have some long drawn poetic line about how Jared deserved better than what he got, but he's a blessing to those he's around. He didn't have to wreck what little good he was given, because he did deserve those good things, and he deserved multitudes more.

     Jared slowly looks over but avoids eye contact. Staring at Connor's hand that curled into a fist in his lap.

     "Are we good?" Jared asks with a watery voice.

    Connor hesitates. Yeah, they were friends and everything was good between them. Jared was good. Jared and Connor's friendship was good. Connor was...not exactly.

   And Jared notices the point of hesitation.

    "We'll get there. Both of us." Jared nods to himself and Connor silently agrees. Yeah, he'll become good enough to deserve the good things he was given.

    Connor was given a sense of deja-vu. He knew what was said next. The 'for Evan' hung in the air, but things had changed since then.

   "For us." Connor almost commands, it wasn't a question.

    "For us." Jared mimes back.

   And then a smile split his face, and he doesn't laugh at Connor when he laughs this time.

  "Get your sappy crap out of here!" He shoves Connor's arm, and they both wave Evan into the car.

 Evan climbs into the middle bench with his back leaning against the backrest of the front row.

  "We should teach you how to drive a standard." Connor pulls the topic change out of thin air. Evan shakes his head no with an expression that told both of them to not push that idea.

   "Yeah, as hot as Evan popping a clutch would be, I think it's a no go." Jared throws his arms over the backrest in front of him, enjoying the rosiness in Evans cheeks. Evan then glances up at Connor and Jared follows his line of sight like he had intended. Jared rolls his eyes. He's never letting Evan know about any of his crushes ever again.

    Jared misses the way Connor had caught Evan's eye and understood _exactly_ what he was insinuating. Connor preferred not being able to speak Evan language.

    "What else overlaps here?" Jared offers another topic change.

   "Most twenty-four hour places at night, Target, Bowling Alleys, Carnivals, sometimes Post Offices." Connor shrugged, feeling uncomfortable being compliant. He guesses it's okay since Evan snorted when he had said Target.

    Jared spares a curious glance to Evan before looking at Connor quizzically.

     "Target?"

     "I don't control these things." Connor shrugs.

     Evan types out a ' _Carnival sounds fun’_ and hands the phone to the audience in the back seat.

    "There's always a carnival going down at the beach. _Pleasure_ Pier I think." Jared spoke, his tone earning an eye roll from Evan. Yeah well, Don’t look at me in that tone of voice Ev. Good lord stop talking to yourself, Jared.

    "Do you know how to get there?" Connor starts.

    "Yeah, do you?"

      Connor just looks at him like it should have been obvious.

   Jared just sighs and holds his hand out waiting and Connor deposits the keys,

     "Lazy." Jared mutters, and Evan returns the phone to show his commentary.

    ‘ _Maybe Connor is just tired of you ogling his-’_ Jared deletes the message before Connor could finish reading it.

   Connor is silently glad to discover that Evan giving people a hard time is normal, and not a thing just he is experiencing.

* * *

 

    Jared jots down a note to leave on Evan's kitchen table for Heidi making sure each one of them signs it. (Evan gave Connor the dirtiest look he could manage with Jared losing his shit laughing too hard when Connor had signed in a three-inch tall font.) He was sure to explain (to the boys as well) that they would be coming back sometime in the next couple of days.

    Connor, feeling a little self-conscious making a mess in someone else's home, began clipping the bags of chips closed and putting into whatever cupboard that best fit. Evan, feeling self-conscious that someone else was cleaning his home, diligently carried the blankets back upstairs before pouring out the flat soda cans from earlier that day.

  "Why don't you trade out your clean blankets with the one's in the car?" Connor suggests as he takes the cans from Evans' hands. He nods, and Connor watches him race back upstairs. He hadn't realized he was smiling until Jared spoke up from the kitchen.

   "You should tell him."

     "Tell him what?" Connor wasn't sure he liked where this was going.

     "How you feel about him." Connor wasn't smiling anymore.

     Did Jared take him for an idiot?

     "Why the hell would I do that?" Connor spoke, trying to keep his voice level, but what the _fuck?_

    "I gotta a feeling it'll work out for you." Jared gave a small dance all while focusing his eyes anywhere but Connor, who felt like he was being set up more and more by the passing second.

   "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Are you trying to make me scare him off?" Connor’s voice cracked. He didn't want Evan to hear him from upstairs.

    "No, no, no you got it wrong." Jared catches on. "It's nothing like that. Look, I'm in the same boat as you." Jared spits, before jerking his jaw shut. He hadn't meant for that much to slip.

   "So I'm some test dummy?" Connor put his hands on the counter. Jared's nose was starting to look like a welcoming target.

    "Why would I want a test dummy who has more of a chance than I do?" Jared argued back.

   "More of a chance? Do you know who I am?" Connor hits his own chest as if it would make his point more obvious. He didn't want to fight Jared. He didn't want to get physical. He didn't want this argument to get any worse than it already was. He needs to take a step back. He needs to stop before he ends up throwing fists and regretting he was born. He did bad things. _He was a bad thing_. He was the worst fucking thing anyone could get stuck with. He didn't deserve a chance with either of them.

    "Don't act all 'woe is me', I've got _years_ of treating Evan like shit. I'm pretty sure that trumps your shove in a hallway, Murphy." And now Jared is riled up. Connor did that. Fantastic, he's going to know. He's going to realize there's no getting better for Connor. This is as good as it's going to get for him. It all goes downhill after this.

    Connor grips the counter with white knuckles. He can't hit him. He can't shove him. He won't lay a hand on either of them. He can't hurt them. He won't let himself do it. He can't hurt them. But he's hurt everyone he's ever had. How does he stop himself? How does he fix himself? How does he be a good thing? He _can't_ leave them. He _can't_ be alone anymore.

    "Connor?"

    He's going to ruin everything. He's a bad thing and he's ruining the bunch. He's tainting it.

    "Hey, come back to me."

    He can't fix it. He has to make sure he can't hurt them. All those times he had swallowed his first reaction, he began throwing them up like a bottle spewing. He chokes on his first reaction.

    He tries to break his knuckles by punching the counter top.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miles in a Ruby Rose cosplay dress is my favorite thing , thanks <3 Leo


	18. On Track

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes people (read Danni) forget it's okay to ask for a hug that's why they're mean <3
> 
> POSSIBLY TRIGGERING AT TIMES AND FLUFF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My editing on these is going to be a shit show, Don't die please<3 Leo

_He tries to break his knuckles by punching the counter top._

 

  It doesn't work. His knuckles stay in place and solid. He doesn't feel a thing and he doesn't think it's due to the numbness of his emotions. It's due to the numbness of this world.

   Jared still lunges for his hand all the same.

   "Connor?!"

   Connor lets him cradle his hand. There's nothing wrong. He can't hurt them. None of them can feel a Goddamn thing.

_Physically at least._

   God dammit, there was no way Connor could fix this. He was an idiot thinking he could. _Good people_ could fix things. _Good people_ didn't have to worry about hurting the people around him.

   He should have been alone.

   That was his intention all along. He was trying to _help_ , and for once in his pitiful existence, he _did._ He helped by dying. That wasn't an option here.

   Evan had ran away under very similar circumstances. (Evan had no evidence whatsoever to back up his claim like Connor did, but the point still stood) Connor remembers the panic, like it was yesterday. It _was yesterday_ , and with this Connor realized it would be hypocritical to haul ass out of here. He remembers this fear tear through his chest like a cancer. He remembers the desperation clouding his mind, or how he almost screamed when they ran into Heidi at the front door, looking more than happy to see them rather than confused. He remembers how all of the hollowness in his chest being flooded with a thick happiness and relief when they opened Evans bedroom door.

   Connor hadn't realized that he was able to feel pain in this world until these two idiots died.

   Leaving wouldn't be an option either, not yet anyway.

  "It doesn't hurt," Connor says blankly. He thinks he feels a pull behind his eyes, but God he just couldn't focus.

Jared doesn't say anything, choosing to focus on bending each one of Connor's fingers instead.

    "I'm sorry." Connor isn't sure he is. He's sorry that Jared is trembling. He's sorry that he'd shouted at Jared. He's sorry that Jared is stuck with him because Connor isn't sure how to detach from them without them following.

   Jared, once he's satisfied that Connor's hand is in one piece, clasps the abused hand between his hands. He's trembling, gripping Connors hand like a bad coping mechanism.

  "You-" Jared mutters out, afraid to say the wrong thing, and Connor swallows his guilt a narrowly chokes on it. " _can't._ I don't know what to say, just _please._ " Jared seems to be choking just as much.

   Connor pulls his hand to himself with Jared attached to it. They just stand with their shoes touching and their clasped hands between their chest as the only real barrier between them. Jared removes one of his hands from the pile to reach up to the back of Connor's neck, pulling the taller teen down so that their foreheads bumped.

  Connor closed his eyes. Everything was okay with the hand on his neck and the forehead on his own.

   "We _will_ be good." Connor can feel the others words on his skin. "You can do it, don't rush yourself. None of us will be good in a long time. But we're getting there. You're getting there." Jared pulls back, moving his hand to Connor's face so he can look him in the eye. "You're doing so well. I'm so proud of you."

   Connor pulls his hand from Jared's, and dislodges the hand on his cheek, and now Jared can't see those teary eyes anymore. Connor's arms are wrapped tight around his shoulders and he buries his head in the mess of limbs.

   He's heaving, spitting out every tear that he had forced back. He can't force them back now, but he doesn't feel the need to. Jared winds his arms around him with a hum.

   "Do you want Evan as well?" Jared nudges his head into Connors.

   At first, Connor thinks it's a joke. Haha, he's being a big baby who needs a hug, does he need one from all of them? But then he pulls back, probably to threaten Jared with a black eye he'll never give, but then he see’s Evan, who had already set the blankets down on the couch and was now warily approaching. The only thing that kept him at bay was the fact that Connor had not yet answered.

  All he had to do was say yes. There was no locking himself in his room until he would stop crying required. All he had to do was ask. In this case, he didn't have to ask.

  He nods a yes, there's a presence to his side near immediately.  

   Connor grips them both to his side. Evan idly twirls Connors hair with the arm thrown over his shoulder and winds his own hand clasping Jared's on Connor's chest. Evan bumps his forehead to Connors and it makes him smile. He wonders who picked up the forehead bumping from who, or if it was just their way to comfort each other. He was more than happy to be included in that. Jared, despite his height, bumps his forehead to the jaws of the other two boys and considers it good enough.

   Connor can't help but grin, he never thought getting choked on happiness was a thing someone like him could do. God, he adored these two more than his own good. He can see Jared smile, that ever present mischievous glint in his eye.

   "Evan," Jared whispers to Evan even though Connor stood between them. "I think we broke Connor."

   Evan just smiles and squeezes Jared's hand as a response, and oh, Connor can feel that. Their clasped hand are pressed tight to his heart and he hopes they didn't feel it stutter. (He doesn't think it's beating at all, but he's not sure.) He thinks he should feel jealous, but the hand squeeze only made Connor that much more lightheaded. _They're happy_ , and he's happy and they're all just happy in each other's arms. And oh, Connor doesn't think this counts as friend bonding, because Connor has already came out of his fit, yet none of them has made a move away. Maybe it's a Jared Evan thing, and not so much a regular friend thing? But Jared likes Evan and vise versa. So it's a behavior of pining after your friends, except they're including Connor in all of this as well. Connor likes both of them, which includes the reasoning that Evan and Jared can like more than one person as well.

   Jared was easier to understand. He had a suspicion that _possibly_ Jared may have some reciprocated feelings towards Connor (and he knew his reciprocated feelings toward Evan). He had no idea about Evan. He hadn't noticed Evans feeling toward Jared until Evan outright told him. What was with these two and telling other people about their crushes? And better yet, the looks the two shoot each other when they were next to him made him consider the possibility they were trying to make each other jealous, but then Evan would give him the same knowing look. Like he _knew,_ and that's why Connor was almost sure he had a chance with Jared as much as Evan did.

  Connor wasn't about to make a move, however. That would just be awful to make Evan third wheel for all eternity. Not that Connor would mind sharing. Watching Evan and Jared interact warmed his heart and he would definitely push for Jared to pursue Evan as well. He just wasn't sure if Evan would be okay with that openness, or would it cause a tension between him and Evan? God, there were too many variables. He was just okay with this. He was okay with silently pining and being doted on by the both of them because none of them were really in tune with their emotions.

  "Conman?" Jared says and Connor nearly chokes a second time. Jesus Christ, it's like they're trying to kill him.

  "Yeah, I'm okay." Connor breaths.

  "Do you still want to go the festival?" Evan asks, and holy fuck, neither of them have even lessened their grip on Connor. They're willingly let Connor hold them like some sort of dollar store romance book cover.  Connor felt a little on top of the world at the moment, but he wasn't sure what to do about it other than memorize the feeling of Evan pushing his hip further into his grip and Jared pillowing his head on Connor's shoulder, blowing the long hair out of his face.

   Connor didn't want any of them to voice their emotions. He wanted _this_.

  "Yeah, but I'm not driving," Connor spoke again, but now with the realization that not driving will give him the opportunity to sit in the middle. God, he's a genius.

  "Yeah, yeah." Jared pats his chest like a good bye waiting to happen.

  "I just need to grab the blankets and then we'll be ready to go." Evan separates first, and the world doesn't feel as right anymore.

  Jared follows suit, shoving the rest of the blankets into his arms before following Evan out the door. Watching them both try to open the door with their foot only to topple over on an armful of blankets will satisfy Connor for now.

  He chuckles, opening the door before they manage to hurt something other than their pride.

* * *

 

  There's pros and cons of riding in the middle.

  Pros: Evan prefers to sleep during long car rides and Connor is a way more comfortable cuddle buddy than the door. He even talks in his sleep and will sometimes respond to being talked to. Jared can't get a hold of the aux cord if he's driving. Jared will deny that he sang along to MCR, but Connor officially knows his darkest secret.

  Cons: Evan weighs a Connor and a half, and seemingly gains weight during sleep cycles. Evan will only spout tree facts in his sleep and now Connor and Jared were well versed in the life cycle of oak trees. Jared _didn't_ appreciate Connors purgatory playlist and cringed along with Connor as he recollected a story from his punk phase in 5th grade.

  All in all, Connor thinks he can deal.

  "Do you wanna stop and get snacks or something?" Jared asks, yet he's already exiting the freeway.

  "No," Connor says only to see if it will actually stop him. It doesn't.

  Jared pulls into the dimly lit parking lot.

  Connor digs through his glove box the best he could with Evan on him. Fortunately, Evan sleeps like a rock, he's sure he could just push Evan to lean on the door if he him bothered to much.

  "Here." He hands Jared his wallet and a small switchblade. "Do you know how to open it?"

  Jared only looks at him like he's lost his mind. Which is a normal response in Connor's book, but he can usually figure out why he's being regarded like he's just broken out of the mental ward.

  Jared just looks uneasily at the knife. Connor demonstrates how to use his thumb to flick the blade up like they do in drug cartel shows. The look Jared is giving him worsens. Ah.

  "Do you know what happens at gas stations at night? I used to go to the gas station to meet my dealer at night all the time, which is why you need it."

  Jared hesitantly takes it, but the look Connor gets is saying that he's only taking it to appease Connor.

  Good enough, he guesses. He wasn't about to leave an unattended and unconscious Evan in the truck. Especially after a white work van parked so close to the passenger side door the driver had to slide over to the other side to get out. (If you would just park like a decent human being you wouldn't have to do that, asshole.) God, he wished 24-hour convenience stores didn't overlap. He hated convenient stores, but before Connor could suggest avoiding the hell out of that driver, Jared was already walking in after the same fucking driver who held the door open for him, watching too fucking close as Jared passed him.

 Oh, hell no.


	19. On the Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor Cares 
> 
> ANGST  
> SELF HARM WARNING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I woke up a close hour and a half ago ( at 5: 00 pm ) and as easily as it would for me to go to Austin to be an extra in Blood Fest, fight me no thanks. Editing is more important. This was a very unneeded message. <3 Leo

_He hated convenient stores, but before Connor could suggest avoiding the hell out of that driver, Jared was already walking in after the same fucking driver who held the door open for him, watching too fucking close as Jared passed him._

_Oh, hell no._

  
 

  It's times like this Connor wishes he had actually listened to his mother and gotten a newer model car. Like in situations like these where he could lock the car via remote and expect the alarm to go off if anyone tampered with the truck, and by extension, Evan.

  He settles with pulling a blanket over Evan completely and tried to wad it up above him like it was just a pile of blankets before clambering out of the car and locking it behind him.

 

  He slips inside and the door doesn't chime like it should. He sees Jared walking by the line of drink fridges slowly, just perusing without paying any mind to the man pretending to look at chips on the shelf closest to Jared.

  This is exactly how people wind up kidnapped.

   Reason says that even if this man took Jared, the moment he left the parking lot Jared would vanish from his eyes, and all Connor would have to do is follow them out until the man finally stopped, allowing Connor to easily pick up the boy.

  He would end up picking up a very shaken up and emotional Jared, and honestly, Connor thinks it's a normal response to feel protective if it was against potential kidnappers.

  Connor, who usually makes a point to avoid eye contact and would rather prefer to ignore anyone in his vicinity, makes a point to do the opposite, his eyes angrily meets with the man's, making sure to shoulder him as the teen walks past to Jared.

  Connor hadn't thought this far through. Jared was busy twisting the coke bottles around to read names off of them. He thinks that being honest as to why he followed Jared into the store would work out okay.

   This is Jared we're talking about. Jared would (hopefully) get that Connor cared, but that certainly wouldn't stop him from poking fun of paranoid behavior.

   Jared pulls out a 'Share a Coke with Evan'. Nice. When Jared had looked up to close the fridge door, Connor couldn’t help but feel proud of the blade being pointed at him with shaking hands.

  "Jesus Christ Connor, are you trying to kill me?" Jared harshly whispered as he struggled to close the knife. His face was still paling even after the initial shock, and he hesitantly watches the man over Connor's shoulder take a few hesitant steps back. Ah, so he did notice him.

  "Are you okay?" Connor whispers back noticing how Jared has a hard time looking anywhere besides the fridge after the stranger had made eye contact with Jared. It took everything in Connor to not make a scene. Jared first, pedophiles second.

  "Always." Jared breaths, an obvious lie. He purposely take a few steps down to distance them from the stranger. "I was about to come get you." He finally admits under his breath, and Connor only responds with a nod and takes the bottle out of his hand. "Let's get the hell out of here." Jared finishes and they move to the front register.

   Connor digs into Jared's pocket to dig out his knife and turns to look at the stranger only to find that he was already staring with an odd look on his face. God, he's creepy as hell.

   "I'm going to go check on Evan real quick." Connor says, sure Jared wouldn't let him do what he's about to do. Even if there is no way Connor is reading too much into it this time. Murder isn’t an option, _this time._

   Jared nods and Connor leaves after giving that asshole a long look.

 

   The blankets haven't shifted since he left.

  Connor wedges himself between the two vehicles and flips the knife open. He makes quick work and hastily spells 'STALKER' into the side of the van. It would help identify the van from others if _anything_ were to happen. He's read enough murder mystery novels to know you can't get away with anything with an identifiable car.

  He jams the blade in the driver's side tire for no other reason other than he can, and he slips out between the two vehicles innocently just as Jared storms out of the doors.

  "Did you trash his van?" Jared says irritably and Connor is taken back by the accusing tone.

   "Why do you always asu-"

  "Do we have to wait here longer for you to get it out of your system?' Jared says again with a reddening face.

   "No. No, I already- did he say something to you?" Connor asks as Jared is getting into the truck.

  "Get your ass in the truck, Murphy." Jared ignores the question, moving to the back seat.

   The knife burns in Connor's pocket and he climbs into the truck before he can take this whole problem to another level.

  He does make a point to speed off when that creeps walks out the door.

 

   Evan had kicked the blankets (and Connor) off of him in his sleep and now laid stretched out across the front bench. Jared peeks over the back rest impatiently before he hones in on his target; the stretch of belly Evan is showing off under a hiked shirt.

   "Evannnn" Was the only warning anyone got before Jared practically falls over the backrest to blow a loud raspberry into the bare stomach.

  Evan kicks Connor _hard_ , and once he's awake enough to know who assaulted him, he kicks Jared. Jared falls onto the backseat by the combined force of his weighted laughter and Evans foot.

  "What the fuck, Jared!?" Evan squeaks loudly and Connor grins at the sound of Evan continue to mutter curses under his breath.

 Jared hands Evan the unopened bottle. "You know the rules. You take the first sip."

  "Ugh, I don't like this stuff. It makes my tongue feel fuzzy." Even whined despite already taking the bottle and cracking it open anyway.

  Connor looks over just in time to catch the mischievous glint in Evans eye. _Now that's just mean, Evan_. Connor takes the bottle offered.

  "Wha- No! No! That's not how it's supposed to work. We have an Evan _right_ here!" Jared squeals weakly and Connor holds the full bottle teasingly close to his lips.

  "And what if he doesn't get a sip?" Connor asks, pretending to be innocent.

  "You will be disrespecting the rules of the universe!" Jared yells dramatically as Connor downs the bottle and Evan does an impressive impersonation of Connors mad scientist laughter.

* * *

 

  "We're going to have to stop. It's going to be the middle of the night if we go straight there." Connor says as he taps the steering wheel. He wasn't necessarily tired, but every part of his gut was telling him that they needed to stop. They needed to get off the road. They needed to get out of the car. Connor needed to talk to Jared about what happened at the convenience store, _something_ is up.

  "Would a hotel be an overlap?" Evan asks easily. He's been doing that a lot recently, Connor thinks.

   "There's only one way to find out," Connor spoke hoping Jared would speak up, but he only sits in the silence the backseat brought.

 

    He drops Evan and Jared off at the front desk to book a room while he parks the truck.

   He meets up with them as Jared is giving the desk lady their information.

  "Wouldn't this come up as an ano- anoma- Wouldn't she know we're- you know." Evan leans over to Connor comically. " _dead_ " He whispers.

  Connor shrugs. "Not unless someone actually looked into it? Like they do with missing people. I'm pretty sure they don't even check to see if it's a valid name anyways." with that Evan is in understanding.

  "What are you two whispering about?" Jared walks up to them with three key cards in hand.

   "The possibility of finding a corpse in the box spring." Connor says as an unnecessary weird subject change and Evan gives him the look of 'what the hell'.

  " _Right_. They got these neat multi bedroom bookings."

   "Is that what you got?" Connor asks curiously. He can't see how they would set that up.

  "Wait, we're going to be _alone_ here? What if one of us just goes missing? What if it's haun-" Evan stops himself. "Oh, _right_."

  Connor snorts.

  Jared takes his role of leading the two to their living space. They pile up in a glass elevator as Connor watches out the window with childlike wonder, Evan tries to look anywhere but down. Jared settles with just watching them.

  Someone else gets on at level 4 and Jared keeps close to the keypad. He politely clicks level 8 for the stranger and files out with his two stragglers on level 7. Making sure they all take in a deep breathe before continuing, an exercise Jared picked up from Hedi when Evans anxiety had a possibility of flaring.

   Just a promised, there's a small suite holds a TV, mini fridge, and couch, along with three doors to their bedrooms.

  Connor whistles a low tune of impressment and Evan mutters a 'wow'. 

   "I'm gonna call it a night. You two losers don't make too much noise." Jared tries to hide under his joking tone, and threw them a sexual innuendo for them to get tripped on before they could stop him retreated into his room.

 

  "Is Jared okay?" Evan whispered after Jared's door shut. His hands wound into his shirt.

  "I'm not sure, kid." Connor doesn't reassure him. He feels the need to pick at his nails. "I'm gonna- I should-" Should he talk to him? He doubted Jared wanted to talk about it. Connor didn't know what _it_ was. It could be something that shouldn't be brought up, but his gut said to knock on the door.

  "I'll go with you?" Evan hesitantly offered. He was sure Evan was scared to talk, but Connor took him up on the offer anyway.

    Connor hesitantly knocks on the door. He doubts Jared is changing so there is no reason to not barge in. He looks to Evan hovering beside him before he deciding to open the door unannounced.

   "What do you two want? I could use a break sometimes, you know." Jared was quick to throw at them. Evan recoiled at the words and Connor grabs his hand before he could fully retreat.

   "Too bad." Connor says back as he takes a seat at the end of the bed and Evan stands next to him with their knees bumping. Jared has already curled up tight in the white blankets the hotel offers. Connor places a hand on his covered thigh and that's all it takes for Jared to shrink back before shouting a

   "Will you two freaks just get the hell away from me?!"

  He's shouting from the top of his lungs and Evan is immediately cowering away; there's nothing Connor can do to stop him this time.

  Connor promised Jared he will get better.

   Connor stands, his feet stomping the carpet below him. "We'll be waiting in the living room when you're ready to talk," Connor says sincerely, but his gritting his teeth to keep himself from yelling. He grips his fists until they feel hot.

   Connor storms out after Evan, only _slightly_ slamming the door behind him.

   Evan was quick to disappear.

  Great, just fucking _great_. Connor pulls at his hair and pushes up his sleeve to sink his teeth in. He bites down until he can almost feel it hurting and tears blur his vision. His mouth tastes like iron and failure. He doesn't get the satisfaction of watching himself bleed. His arm remains unmarred like usual.

   That seems to anger him more, but the only thing he can do is walk back and forth until he has spent all of his energy; the good and the bad. He crashes on the couch with a lazy thump and stares at the ceiling, and then Evan who silently takes a seat at the other end of the couch; a stark opposite of Connor. How could they _both_ be freaks?

  "He didn't mean that shit. You know he didn't." Connor says bluntly even though it was meant to be reassuring.

   "It bothers you too." Evan says softly and Connor is glad is the other talking because he has an idea what Evan just got finished going through. Poor sad kids, that's all any of them were. Hiding their fear in plain sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a resident mom of my friends, I approve of this message.<3 Leo
> 
> There are plenty of ways to hide a body


	20. Back to normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys work it out  
> ANGST  
> TRIGGER WARNING - FIGHTING AND MEATIONS OF PAST SEXUAL ABUSE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I JUST WANT TO LOVE MY BOYS AND MAKE SURE THEY'RE ONLY LOVED. I hate how hard this was to edit, Bleh but here it is.<3 Leo, who loves you no matter what.

_"It bothers you too." Evan says softly and Connor is glad is the other talking because he has an idea what Evan just got finished going through. Poor sad kids, that's all any of them were. Hiding their fear in plain sight._

 

   The only compromise they can get between the touch-starved Connor and the touch-sensitive Evan is sharing the couch at two separate ends. Evan has his ear buds in, probably trying to drown out the world with Jared's playlist. Funny, here he is finding comfort, while the playlist creator weeps in the next room. Jared existence is practically an ironic joke book by now. Connor can hear a familiar beat, jeez how isn't the kid deaf by now.

   His legs itch with the need to move. He can't just sit here much longer. He bounces his leg to ease the feeling. He wants to barge back in, but he doesn't know what he would do if he did. Probably scream at him. Probably get defensive and call Jared a freak, he chuckled sourly at the thought. Jared was right; Connor _was_ a freak, that's all he’ll ever be. But Evan, Evan was getting dragged down with him. Evan was getting compared alongside Connor, it was everything Connor knew would happen if someone got close, if someone dared call themselves his friend. He can't help but taint those around him. Black mold tainting the air around him in a sick twist of living in darkness. He became that darkness, lonely and deadly. How sickening.

   He can't help but feel that he’d rubbed off on Jared. How often had Connor lock himself in his room, insult and threaten anyone who would try to visit him until the visits stop: Only serving to dig Connor deeper into the pit of loneliness he created for himself. How many times has he locked himself away from everyone when all he wanted was a presence?

  Jared wasn't him. Connor couldn't be sure but maybe Jared really just needed his space. So Connor sat uselessly on the couch.

  "Please." Evan broke his thoughts causing the bouncing leg to still. God, Connor, get it together. Don't upset both at once. He needed to be doing damage control with Evan, not upset him further with his reckless fidgeting.

   "Sorry, I just-" Connor growls with frustration and tugs at his hair again.

   "I- I k-know, I know. You're not..." Evan trails off.

   " _You're_ not." Connor corrects, hiding the pain in his throat. "This was a bad idea. I can't-"

  "Nononononono- You can't! You can't leave. None of us! We have to- we have to- please-" Evan pleads.The tears in his voice could be heard by deaf ears. Connor feels his own adams apple bob and his throat beginning to dry as if his tear ducts were preparing for the shit show about to go down.

   "I'm making things worse than they are, Evan. You two got some shit to sort out, yeah, but I'm a fucking lost cause. Hell, I committed suicide, Evan. Did you forget? I _c_ _hose_ to be here. You and Jared shouldn't be here. You two are _saveable_ , and I never stood a chance."

   "You are! You do stand a chance, Connor, no don't do this, please-"

  "No, Evan. I _did_ stand a chance, a very long time ago, but threw away those chances time and time again. I didn't _want_ to get better, I just fucking sat in it."

  "I get it! I get it! You just want something- something that's _normal_ in your life and it- your problems, or anxiety, or just being angry, that's what's _normal_ to us. Normal is- Normal _is_ being alone, so you're scared of what you don't know. This- this is new to me too." The tears stream down threaten even the angriest of rivers, but in this winter, he's not freezing up. Connor wishes they would see through the facade they created for him, they share similar pain but they weren’t as far gone as he was.They kept lying to themselves knowing that if they say it enough they believe it. Believe he wasn't the lost cause that he truly is. What they needed was a way out that he’s trying to give but instead, here he was: in the middle of this messy argument with Evan forcing his feelings onto his sleeve.

      "I turned down every bit of help I was offered! What makes you think that you can help!" Connor is screaming, trying desperately to push that last bit of help he could ever get. He was so close. He was almost completely alone. He needed it, not for his sake but for theirs. It's just easier that way.

  "That's what depressed people do! They sit and wallow! And you marinated yourself to the point where it couldn't detach itself from you in the afterlife! What did you think was going to happen?! That you were going to just magically be happy in the blink of an eye?! _Who the hell do you think we are?"_ Evan bucks up and while Connor is used to being screamed at; its _Evan_. It's Evan who is red faced and shouting. Evan's voice dies out soon after and it looks like he is readying himself to flee. Like Evans bottle has popped and there is nothing else to fuel the outburst.

  Connor is ruining them both.

  "I'm marinated, Connor." Evan sounded hysterical. "It's been with me so long, it's like it's a part of me. Just like Jared. Just like you. We're all screwed over, okay?" Evan doesn't bother with wiping the tears from his face. "So you are going to sit and wallow until it passes because it always does. Because maybe it does magically get better, but it takes a long fucking time and you have to help it along." Evans' voice is level as he pushes Connor back on the couch, who stays put, keeping his mouth from gaping open. Guilt hit his chest as the ‘Enemy’ takes a victory.

  Victory of falling to the floor, gasping for the air lost in the crying before banging on the head, longing for peace of no emotion that'll soon set in.

  And once it does, It's a silent agreement that neither of them will be going to their rooms because Jared was informed of they’re waiting. So Evan resigns to silently crying into his knees and closes in on himself as feasibly possible.

  Connor just stares at the awful print hanging on the wall until the sun rises.

 

  "So you didn't actually kill him?" Jared says as he walks into the living space the next morning. He doesn't look all that well rested, but his hair is askew and his eyes are puffy.  His voice doesn't carry its usual jovial tone, and Connor wasn't exactly sure why he expected Jared to be better overnight. Maybe because Jared pretends to be better in that time.

  Connors' stomach turns with the need to say something snarky as a response.

   "He's already dead." Connor settles with an equally serious tone. He can see Evan tense in the hostile air. "How'd you sleep, asshole?" Connor isn't in the mood to be nice anymore. He can't remember ever feeling this exhausted. He feels so void of everything and hoping he can get some second-hand emotions off of Evan.

  "Better after Evan stopped screaming how mental illnesses work like you're a fucking toddler." Jared quips back easily. Evan sinks further into the couch cushions, having spent all of his courage last night.

  "At least I didn't lock myself in my room like a pre-teen." Connor grumbles back, they can all sense the oncoming storm. Connor is so ready for this shit show.

 "Listen here, you suicide statistic," Jared moves to stand at Evans end of the couch, immediately making it feel like Evan is on Jared's side despite his desperate attempts to stay out of this. "The moment someone like _you_ can judge me is never. It's about time you learned your place and shut the hell up, you fucking piece of garbage." Jared said flatly.

  "Do you want to say that to my face, Kleinman?" Connor stands from his spot on the couch.

  "I just did! Do I need to spell it out or was your college fund worth something? Get the fucking idea!!" Jared pushes at Connor's chest, prompting a reaction.

  "Guys, please.." Evans quiet plea goes ignored.

  "I'll cut your fucking tongue out if you don't shut the fuck up." Connor growled, feeling that burning build up in his chest. Yes, he missed that. He missed how _normal_ that felt.

  "Really?! Cause I don't think you will! All you ever do is push Evan around!" Jared gives a harsh shove to Evan sitting frozen on the couch. He begins to roughly hyperventilate at the contact.

  Connor sends Jared to the ground with a hand on his chest holding him down. His other hands is raised in a fist like a looming warning. God, he wanted to use that fist so badly it burned, the pain was enough.

  "Shut. Your. Mouth." Connor growls. He can't bring himself to regret any of this. Not right now. He's too wrapped up in the moment.

   "Finally, you're finally doing something about it! The only time you ever did the right thing is when you -" Jared cuts himself off, and Connor feels the unspoken words stab through the anger. He _knew_ it was the right choice, but hearing someone else say so. He wanted so desperately to defend himself. He desperately defended himself against   Jared's insults and anything that might be an insult except when it was coming from himself. He called himself a freak. He called himself every name a bully would and then some. He was his own worst enemy and he had tried to rid himself of him. Here he was trying to rid the two people who cared about him, but Damn did it feel right.

  The room falls silent other than Evans dry heaving.

   Guilt washed over Jared's face, but his lips stayed sealed. He won't try to redeem himself.

  "Say it!" Connor barks into his face, and Jared flinches. Jared shouldn't be sorry. Jared was right. Connor made sure the other knew that he had all of this coming. He was willing to take the pain of consequence.

  "I-" Jared skirted around an apology.

   No.

  "Say it!" Connor prompted, but his resolve was crumbling. "Say it." He pleads. He needs to hear it. He needs to know that he was right. Connor needs to know that this wasn't all for nothing.

  Jared pushes Connor off of him and Connor falls back on his back with his knuckles digging into his eyes like he was shoving tears back in.

 "Say it." He croaks.

  "I'm sorry." Jared comes closer, The tears couldn't be hidden.

  No, he needed to know that he did a good thing.

   "Connor, Connor, look at me." Jared approaches and he tugs at the hands covering Connors' face. "Connor please." He can't let go of his face. His hands were the only dam he had left to hold back the tears. Jared settles with wrapping his arms around the jumble of Connor's arms and head. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." And Jared rocks them back and forth, heaving through his own tears.

   Connor felt sick to his stomach.

  Jared pulls away causing the other to do the same with his hands, Connor's face now in full view.

   "There you are." Jared says softly, taking one of his hands softly. There's a soft smile that offers Connor a false sense of security, but he'll take anything he can get his grubby hands on. So he buries his face into Jared's shoulder and heaves the rest of the tears out.

    "I know that sorry isn't- I was a grade A piece of shit, but-"

   "What was wrong?" Evan interrupts. Atta boy; Connor grins into Jared's shoulder.

     "I- uh- oh." Jared stutters, tensing against Connor, who feels unwelcome against Jared so he messily climbs up on the couch like the toddler he was called earlier.

  A hand on the knee was the most Evan could offer at the moment, but Connor would take what he could get.

  "The guy at the gas station- he was- um." Jared steels himself, before turning to Connor. "Why couldn't he recognize me?"

  "You mean you knew him?"

    Jared nods and Evan is trying to follow along.

   "It's a lot like seeing someone that _looks_ like someone you know, but not quite. Is that why he was staring at you?" Connor leans forward to Jared sitting on the floor with interest.

  "Y-yeah, he was my dad." Jared says and Connor feels Evan squeeze his knee to warn the sensitive territory they're trekking into.

   "He's nowhere near being a _dad_." Evan says bitterly.

  "He- ah- uh." Jared tries to continue.

   "You- you don't have to. It's not something that has to be said." Evan reassures, but Jared wants to keep going.

   "H-he used to- sh-show me things?" Jared stares holes into the floor, and Connor had a sinking feeling he knew where he was going with this. "I was a kid, and thank maybe I blocked a good portion of that shit out, but he would um-" Jared closes his crossed legs to bring his knees to his chest. A completely closed off stature. Connor regrets not stabbing the man in the parking lot.

  "I should have stayed with you." Connor says. 'I should've carved pedophile into his forehead.' He doesn't say.

  "You didn't know, It's no biggie." Jared shrugs it off. That buoyant behavior slowly seeping back in.

    "No, it is a biggie." Connor pushes.

   "Are you okay?" Evan hesitantly asks. They all knew the answer.

  "I-" Jared sighs. " I should be."

 "No, you shouldn't be. Because what you are is what you should be, Jared. Are you okay?" Evan asks again. Connor concludes Evans been learning tactics from his therapists.

   "No, but I'm better than I was. Can we just, pretend we never saw him? Can we pretend that he just never fucking existed? That would be great." Jared rings his hands together.

   "If that's what you want." Evan says and Connor nods in agreement.

   "Is it okay to touch you?" Connor asks experimentally. He figures they can't _not_  acknowledge that they've been regularly clinging to each other forever, but he could deny that Jared gave some of the best hugs ever

   "Y-yeah, just give me a warning first, kay?" Jared says as he climbs onto the couch and presses a leg against Connors.

   "'kay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hugs are the fucking best 10/10 <3 Leo


	21. Pulling Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan points a gun at Jared and takes Connor captive pretty much. Dont fuck with Evan yall. -Dan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy so I know its been ages since we last updated (words cant describe how sorry I am oh jee) Leos health has not been so awesome so she prolly wont be editing again. (i edited this chapter, not her and im sure you can tell.) So you probably dont want to have to reread the last chapter to remember so Ill give you a refresher here. They boys are traveling to the beach festival thingy, and they just had a really messy argument in the hotel room. They all dead btw. -D

" _ Y-yeah, just give me a warning first, kay?" Jared says as he climbs onto the couch and presses a leg against Connors. _

_ "'Kay." _

* * *

 

Continental breakfast is never as good as the ads; Connor noted as he takes his sixth muffin from the display case and he trades ugly looks with a worker. Evan idly picks at his eggs, only worrying Connor further. He wishes he could say he and Jared  _ really _ weren't mad with each other anymore without being obvious.Speaking of the other, Jared returns to their table in the corner with enough apple juice to go around.

"They just put pancakes out." Jared informs Evan after eyeing Connor's growing muffin collection. Connor silently unwraps a blueberry flavor and sets in on Evans plate as a silent apology. Evan doesn't make a move to the counter and Connor considers the risk of another staring contest with the worker if he went to go get Evan pancakes. 

"That's too much sugar for in the morning." Evan says softly as Jared begins to cross the line between covering and flooding his pancakes in syrup. Evan picks a piece of muffin off with his fingers before popping it in his mouth.

"It's the best time of day to eat sugar." Jared grins back and Connor seconds that as he begins to pour the syrup onto his banana nut muffin. He grins at the side eye Evan gives him. This was definitely better than that workers side eye.

"Wow." Evan snorts, taking a bigger bite of his (syrup free) muffin. Connor considers it a victory.

 

They have to wait for Connor to wash the syrup out of his hair before they can leave. Jared passes the time by getting Evan to jump from bed to couch to bed again with him.

* * *

 

They stop at a convenience store an hour out from the beach.

"Welcome to Murphy USA, boys!" Jared announces from behind the steering wheel.

He get's a 'Oh my God' and an irritated groan chorused back to him.

 

The doorbell chimes this time when they walk in, but the store is free of any people. They scatter to look for their respective snacks.

"They don't have nerd rope! What a load of bull!" Connor calls into the store. 

He gets a 'Good' and an 'aw' chorused back at him. 

Jared turns the cokes to read the names off of them. Damn, nothing good. He settles with a Will, before catching his eye on the soda cans on the top shelf ready to be abused. 

Oh, this is going to be good. 

He picks a A&W root beer (those have the best radius), shakes it as hard as he can before launching it over the m&m display case to pop on the ground six feet from Connor.

"Incoming!" He shouts as the thing explodes and Connor takes cover behind a chip display. His laughs maniacally and it serves as a warning that this was a war rather than just a cheap shot.

"Mother Fucker!" Connor shouts but there's a grin on his face and Jared knows he's in for it now. He launches a Tasty Cake back at Jared and it splatters on the glass of the fridge behind him. The glass shakes under the impact. Connor had a good arm and it was obvious he missed on purpose. Maybe Jared wasn't sure just how much he was in for.

"You can run, but nothing can save you!" Jared tosses a shaken can toward Evan who was already finding a good hiding spot. Jared was hoping Evan was as unsuspecting as he usually was; he hadn't expected Evan to catch it. Right, a forest ranger. Connor is laughing, but he doesn't realize who they're both up against yet. Connor is in trouble and Jared is screwed. 

Jared opens the fridge door, but he sees the can pop on the sign hanging above the chip display and Connor is outed from his spot to avoid the downpour. God damn, Evan is a menace.

Jared throws two cans this time around. The first Evan catches, and he curses himself for being stupid. The second misses Evan and pops further behind him. Evan remains dry and is advancing with a small innocent smile. Jared thinks this is what it's like to fear for the first time.

Connor runs for the beer fridge, trying to tear open a twelve pack like a man in line to die before Evan can get any closer.

Evan clips the top of Jareds fridge door, and Jared baseball slides to cover next to Connor. He would have been impressed with himself if he wasn't being shown up by Evan. Connor looked at Jared like he had just damned them both. He technically did by putting both of Evans targets in one spot.

"He's too powerful!" Connor grits, pulling a can from the cardboard trap and fanatically shaking it.

And then Evan is taking a bottle from Jareds abandoned fridge. The first thought Jared has was  _ those _ don't pop, but Connor wasn't about to fall victim to another surprise, so he abandons Jared to bolt down the aisle instead. Just like war, the cowards always get caught first. Evan races after him and slings an arm around his neck in a captive position with an opened bottle threatening to pour sticky Coke on Connors head.

"Surrender of he gets it!" Evan threatens with a twisted grin and Connor helplessly holds onto the arm holding him in place against Evan. He's supposed to be a captive. Act like it, Jesus Connor. Don't think about how Evan taking control is just as fun as it sounds and how Evans leg is right against his ass. Good lord Connor, you're about to get a shower in Coke, now is not the time to get hot and bothered.

"No! Please!" Jared stands from his place on the floor and takes a hesitant step down the aisle. Evans grip get tighter and Connor thinks this is how he's going to die the second time.

"Don't do it! You can take him!" Connor plays the role of a stupid captive quite well, or maybe it was his inverted will to live talking. 

"If you want to get out of here a free man you better keep it quiet." Evans threatened, and Connor really needs to stop reading so many dollar store romance novels if the first thing that came to mind is that Stockholm syndrome with Evan didn't sound too entirely bad.

Jared drops the beer from his hands and it rolls between them and then charges at the two. Connor expects the cold soda embrace of death but it doesn't come. 

Evan is quick; he picks Connor up and tosses him over his shoulder easier than Connor thinks he should, before pointing the uncapped bottle at Jared like a some sort of gun.

Connor wants to laugh because Jared stops in his tracks like it was a gun, and apparently tree climbing is a great workout because Evan maneuvers Connor around his shoulder like he weighed no more the a toddler, and that's the single most hottest and bizarre thing to happen to him in all of his existence. Connor settles with laughing because Evans hand is resting on the small of his back to keep him balanced and Evans shoulder is not all to comfortable digging into Connors stomach. 

He can feel Evan laughing under him, and he rests his head on Connors hip as he heaves. Jared sputters along with them. 

"What the hell, Jared?" Evan laughs, wrapping up their competition, but Connor remained thrown over his shoulder like he wasnt apart of the conversation.

"Wha- Me? You're the one that started taking hostages!" Jared chimes back but his grin says his only regret was not thinking of that first.

Said hostage snorts laughter and straightens up the best he could, which real only meant Evan had to hold him tighter around his thighs so he could get the shoulder out of his stomach. 

"Remember when you used to carry  _ me _ around?" Jared asks reminiscently as he takes the bottle from Evans hands and takes a sip.

"Wha-? No?" Evan says as he sets Connor back onto his feet and he pats Evans shoulder as he moves on to the Icee machine. Connor needed to step away from those two before he lost his mind or ended up is a soda shower.

"Exactly." Jared grins accusingly before offering Evan a sip to which he declines. Evan rolls his eyes before moving to the long wall of fridges and pulls out a bottle of all natural tea. 

Jared snorts. "How you enjoy that stuff is beyond me." And Connor comes up curiously with a red icee in hand. Jared watches and Evan offers the bottle to Connor who takes an experimental drink and his nose immediately crinkles up with distaste. Yeah, Jared saw that coming a mile away.

"Ugh, I didn't realize you hated yourself that much." Connor tries to wash out the bland flavor with the cherry freezy goodness. Evan rolls his eyes, but decided that taking a long sip of tea would be better than any comeback that the could make.

Jared then watches Connor idly scan over the flavors of Corn Nuts. Huh, maybe Connor was more of a Heather Chandler rather than a JD. That would probably make Evan the yellow one. God, dammit, who would be Veronica then? Connor would look good with a red scrunchy. If scrunchy's where back in style that is. Or maybe Connor would be a child between Chandler and JD. God damn he was a genius.

 

Connor launches a beer can hard into the ceiling hard enough to break a light fixture rather than the can itself, and then proceeds to blame Jared for it before they leave.

* * *

 

The festival parking lot only holds enough cars for the employees and a few families. 

"It's probably a weekday or something." Jared says as he tries to get his phone calendar to update.

"Don't text and drive." Evan softly reprimands. 

"I'm not tex- don't tell me what to do." Jared says as he pulls up his messages just to spite Evan. Connor flicks the back on Jared's phone hard enough for him to drop it.

He gives Connor a 'really?' look, and Connor looks awfully proud of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I've learned that those Murphy gas stations are not as nation wide as I thought they were, but they are gas stations in case you were wondering. -D


	22. It's Getting Harder Not to Call This A Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I'm slowly wrapping this up and just throwing out some feel good chapters. -D

_ He gives Connor a 'really?' look, and he looks awfully proud of himself. _

 

Jared nearly rear ends a BMW as he reaches down to retrieve his phone from between his feet (as courtesy from Connor). Evan nearly screams and Connor laughs maniacally because they both run off of chaos.

Evan is relieved that Jared is driving because Connor is currently trying to talk Jared into just driving onto the pier.

"They can't do anything. We're dead."

"They can tow our truck." Jared throws back. Evan isn't sure when the truck became theirs rather than Connors, but Connor doesn't comment on it, so Evan guesses it was official.

"And once they tow it off the property, it'll just 'poof'" Connor animates the poof with his hands.

"Really? Do you really know that for sure? Have you been towed before?" Jared has a fair point and Connor falters.

Connor scoffs indignity. "Uh, yeah." For someone with overbearing parents, he's not a very good liar. 

Jared looks to Evan for help. 

"I'm on Jared's side. We should just park in a parking spot." Evan supplies, and Connor is ready to move his argument towards both of them.

"Wha- okay, just because Jared has you on some loyalty contract- look man, I can help you." Connor tries uselessly like some sort of desperate lawyer and Jared laughs. 

"I couldn't control Evan even if I tried." Jared comments to nobody in particular.

"I've been against you driving into buildings from the very beginning, Connor. I started the 'Parking spot' team." Evan sticks his tongue out in defiance and takes his uncontrollable bad boy attitude in stride. 

"It's true. I work for Evan." Jared adds as he picks the closest spot towards the entrance.

* * *

 

It wasn't too busy on the pier; there was just enough people to keep the rides running, but not enough to produce any lines other than for the Ferris wheel. Jared kept an arm propped onto Evans shoulder, and Evan couldn't help but feel like he was being kept on a leash. 

"C-can you?- um" Evan speaks up, glancing to the hand hanging off his shoulder.

"Huh? Oh, sorry." Jared pulls away and shuffles beside him awkwardly. Great, he's made this awkward. He should have just dealt with it.

"Sorry." Evan mutters quietly.

Jared pauses at that, and briefly glances back behind him, probably at Connor. Fantastic, they both probably know Evan is just being moody today.

"Don't be. You need to tell me if I'm making you uncomfortable, okay? I don't-" Jared awkwardly shrugs. Evan isn't sure he's comfortable with seeing Jared suddenly this serious, but he doesn't think voicing that is what Jared meant. "I don't want things to go back to the way they were back in High School, alright?" Jared grumbles out. Evan hears the unsaid 'because I want to actually be friends with you'.

"This conversation is making me uncomfortable." Evan says and Jared snorts. He’s relieved that Jared goes back to normal easily.

"Alright, what do you guys want to do first?" Jared says as he comes to a stop. They naturally form a circle to face each other. Even though Evan and Connor are looking for Jared to suggest what to do first. "Of course, but if I pick it's going to be a roller coaster." 

Connor immediately looks to Evan instead.

"Oh wow, that looks cool!" Evan says loudly to dislodge any roller coaster plans Jared is coming up with. Not even Evan knows what stand he is talking about, but anything would be better than praying to every god in history class that the roller coaster stays attached to the railing and his seat belt is tight enough.

Connor follows Evan blindly for no other reason than he was a scared little shit. 

 

Evan leads them to a carousel. 

"Do you know how to tell which is the lead horse?" Evan quizzes and Jared swears Evan has told him before he just can't remember.

"It's a circle, there is no start or end." Connor answers like it was a trick question.

Evan shakes his head, happy to explain with his vast majority of useless facts. "You see that bench seat?" Evan points to the bench seat made of swan statues following the horses. Connor and Jared nod. It was slowly coming back to Jared. "That's called the chariot. The chariot signifies the end of the line. Some carousels can have as many as four or five chariots." Evan grins. Connor decides that seven hours of documentaries are totally worth it if this is the outcome. Jared can almost remember, but he isn't about to interrupt Evan while he is on a spewl. "The horses following the chariot is a start of a line, and the horse on the outermost side is the lead and is the most decorated and detailed war horse in the line." Evans grin almost dies as soon as he finishes the sentence. "Sorry, I just-"

"Dude." Connor reprimands before subconsciously looking for the lead horse. "The carousel isn't done right." 

"Huh, it's not a horse at all." Jared comments as well. 

"They're rarely traditional any more." Evan grumbles, and Connor doesn't think he's ever seen Evan this animated about anything. He's only heard stories how wild Evan would get if someone got him started on the topic of forests. 

"Well, I'm going to ride the lead  _ seahorse _ " Jared says and Evan looks mildly disgusted with Jared as he runs off to the ticket man. 

 

Connor ends up paying for three tickets to the carousel. 

Jared, as earlier declared, sits on the ‘lead’. Evan is happy with the deer beside him despite the fact that only horses were allowed in the first row. Connor stakes claim on the chicken despite it sitting two rows back. 

"Evan, don't look now, but Connor is riding a cock." Jared grins, knowing that Evan would do exactly that and try to correct Jared.

"Jared, no, that's a-" It was indeed a rooster, and he knew there was no correcting Jared.

"Cock-a-doodle-do mother fuckers" Connor says with a flat voice. 

"He- he didn't mean that- I mean- not that-" Evan tries before Jared interrupts him with loud obnoxious laughter. 

"I'm gay, Evan. This is my calling." It takes everything in Connor to keep his voice unreadably flat because Evans face was getting redder by the second.

"Oh! I- um . That- that's good. Wait, that sounds weird. I mean, I didn't know. It's good that you know- um - " Evan is trying so hard to make this conversation work.

"Connor! You're killing me!" Jared is holding his sides, heaving laughter. "I think you're killing Evan too, holy crap." He snorts.

 

Once the ride starts, both Evan and Jared to face forward like well behaved children. Connor wants to laugh, they're both teen-flick style dorky. Jared is waving at the operator every time they pass and he finally got the man to wave back, and he demands a high five from Evan to celebrate. Evan is still looking up at the bar above him that made the horses, deer, lion, and god knows what else gallop with the utmost interest. 

Connor pulls out his phone when he decides that committing the two boys antics to memory just wouldn't cut it. He only records one round out of fear of one of them catching him, and he would probably come off kinda stalkerish, but he manages to catch Jared reaching out so far to wave at the operator that he almost fell off the seahorse, and Evan refusing to feed his behavior by high giving him because 'You're so embarrassing, Jared. I don't know you. I don't know him'. 

Holy fuck he loved these two more than it was good for him.

He remembered watching old videos of Zoe and him playing around the backyard, and he would rewatch and rewatch until he could prove to himself that it had been real. He could almost feel the happiness in kid Connors grin every time he faced the camera. So sue him if he wanted to record this happiness just in case it didn't last.

 

"What now?" Jared says as he leads them through the gates surrounding the carousel. The operator gives Jared a dirty look and Jared mock salutes back. 

Evan shrugs and Connor just doesn't answer. 

"So roller coast-"

"No." Both of them say in unison.

"Hey three stooges!" A deep voice bellows from across the pier. "Yeah, Hot Topic, The Uniform Emporium, and Urban Outfitters, I'm talking to you!" 

Connor was the first to spot him; a man taking a seat in a dunk tank, dry and obnoxious. They all knew it was his job to poke fun, but it didn't help make Evan feel any less uncomfortable and Connor any more careful. 

"Just ignore him boys." Jared tires, but Connor is gone the moment Jared is trying to wrangle both of them back. "Connor?" He tries to keep up with his long strides.

" Hot Topic? You stepping up to the plate?" The man grins through his sweat. His assistant offers Connor a set of three baseballs. 

Connor pays for the set but only takes one. 

"Con, this is a waste of money-" Jared tries before this guy has the chance to rile Connor up further. 

"If my dad was good for anything, it was this." Connor says as he gives the baseball a testing toss to his other hand. 

"Con-"

"Are you going to stop talking to you boy band or what?" The man shouts over Evan. It takes everything in Connor not to throw right then. He needed to focus, and he couldn't do that with this guy poking buttons.

Connor stares at the target for a moment. 

"He's making both of you uncomfortable," He looks to Jared who avoids his eyes. "The asshole deserves to swim."

“And we’ll be fine. Just walk away.” Jared tries. He acts as if he doesn't want anyone to stand up for him. Connor doesnt doubt that he wasnt the only one that gave those two trouble in high school, and they both have a habit of just avoiding confrontation. Jared doesn’t want to see what kind of mood Connor would be in if he misses these three shots. Everyone misses their three shots; that was the point of this game, it was rigged. No amount of reasoning was going to get Connor to back down. This was for them. This was for every time they didn't stand up for themselves or each other.

"I'll tell you what! You sink a hole in one and I'll give you a full refund!" The man shouts one more time before Connor twists on his heel and sails the ball hard into the target with ease and the man goes under. He achievement is solidified by the grateful sigh from his audience of two. They were starting to understand how Connor was able to break a ceiling lot without popping the beer can. 

"Mad respect, Hot Topic, you're officially upgraded to Spencer's." The man wipes the water from his face as he pushes his give away seat back in place, and the assistant files the cash back into Connor's hand. He stalks off once he gets his refund, but there is a small proud smile.

The man waves them off as Connor decides to put his arm to better use at another stand. 

"Pick a prize." Connor says idly, and he doesn't specify which boy he's talking to because he's planning to win at least two. Maybe he should get something small for Evan's mom if they were going back. He thinks she would like that, but he doesn't know her well enough to know for sure. It could just be awkward.

"Holy crap, they got the banana man!" Jared points out said large stuffed prize and Evan rolls his eyes. 

It's attached to 'Prove Your Strength' stand. Fuck. Connor looks around for maybe a milk bottle game with the same prize, but Evan nudges his arm. 

"Not to steal the limelight, but- um" Evan awkwardly scratches at his neck.

"He better be swooning if you stealing the show, Hansen." Connor said in a hushed tone, but passed Evan a five dollar bill.

Luckily, the worker doesn't say much and hands Evan the hammer and gestures to the post topped with a bell. While pointing at what height would earn what size prize. The god forsaken meme banana sat with the group on the bell. 

"You get three swings." She said with a much practiced 'dead inside’ voice.

The first swing he reaches three fourths up the post. Jared wolf whistles and Connor can agree. Evan tries to ignore them, focusing on slamming the hammer down as hard as he physically could. Connor doesn't doubt Evan could do it if he could stay out of his own way. Evan had slung him around like a pro kidnapper for-

The bell rings on the second swing.

"Hell yeah! I got the best boys!" Jared shouted louder than either of 'his boys' would have preferred. 

"Wow, I feel objectified." Evan rolls his eyes as Jared picks out his prize.

"That's what happens to pretty boys, Hansen." Connor replies and Evan gave him a bemused look. "I would know." Connor over exaggerates a hair flip before Evan could stutter a denial.

 

Evan spots a huge teddy bear across the walkway and Connor and Jared are already preparing to do whatever necessary to win it. It's attached to a tic-tac-toe toss.

Connor has never won a tic-tac-toe game in his life and Jared has the aim of a toddler. Connor wondered why learning how to work together in elementary school was relevant, but now was their time to shine. 

"I know a foolproof strategy. If you toss, I can-"

"Absolutely."  Connor agrees with Jared in tow and he pays to be the black tennis balls. The carny lures an opponent; a young man with a blushing date close behind.  _ Oh, he is so going down. _

It was Connors turn first. 

"Top left corner." Jared whispers in his ear and keeping close enough to stand on Connors feet. Connor nails the spot, and Jared wonders why Connors dad didn't push his talent.

The man aims for middle left, but the tennis ball bounces and rolls to the ground.

"Bottom right corner." Jared instructs and it makes it a clear path to a diagonal, but their opponent blocks with a center middle shot.

"Top right corner, and then the board is yours." Jared grins as Connor takes the spot and he can see the slow realization on the opponent's face. It was one away from a top horizontal win  _ and _ a right vertical win. 

Their opponent takes away the vertical win option, already hopeless.

Connor takes the bottom left corner just to toy with them, still keeping two ways to win open.

"What a monster." Jared grins, as their opponent uselessly takes another turn before Connor goes in for the win. 

Connor watches as Evan points out his desired prize and he takes the huge bear with wide arms. Connor thinks he likes feeling proud of himself.

Their opponent gives a friendly pat to Connors shoulder. 

"Good game, man. May the best boyfriend win, right?" And then he mock saluted on his retreat. 

"I'm not- what- okay, you're gone." Connor said to apparently no one. Jared sputters beside him.

"You said it yourself, Spencer's; There's worse people to be dating." Jared grins.

“Can it.”  Connor wishes that dating Jared (or Evan for that matter) was still an unthinkable idea as it was when he had first said that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally pulled together Evans Chill Playlist so you guys can check it out https://open.spotify.com/user/j0c9fpb0oplx24kl3xib4s7xu/playlist/0T9cdPSBSYahxlYm8Xl24D  
> (because 8tracks has betrayed me)


	23. Mutual Oversharing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even Connor is having a hard time not calling this a date. (And I see a lot of people don't acknowledge the fact that Jared and Evan grew up together? Who does Evan go to when he fucked with the Murphys?; Jared, thats right. Give their (sometimes shitty, I know) friendship some credit)

_ Jared grins and Connor wishes that dating Jared was still an unthinkable idea as it was when he had first said that. _

 

It was mutual agreement between Jared and Evan to return the prize favor to Connor. The hard part was how. He was impossible to figure out; only briefly glancing from prize stand to prize stand completely disinterested. So the boys just trailed after Connor staring at him like idiots. 

The ferris wheel was something that did get Connors attention. He would glance at it regularly as they wandered the stands that circled it. However, it was the only thing with a line and anyone with eyes would glance at it as they passed. 

“Wanna go?” Jared asks and Connor seems to be knocked out of the daze he found himself in. 

“Hmm? Yeah.” He says dully. He doesn't seem to be fully there, but he walks toward the large construct. Jared and Evan glance at each other but Evan takes the first step. 

“What’s wrong?” Evan hesitantly asks. He isn't sure just asking plain as day is the best way to start this conversation. 

“Nothing, it’s stupid.” Connor shakes his head and it looks like he’s ready to just walk past the ferris wheel altogether. Evan probably should have gone with something else. 

Jared stops Evan from following Connor when the reach the end of the line and watches Connor walk a few steps further before realizing he’s not being followed. He turns heel back the the boys, looking mildly uncomfortable. He keeps his hands tucked in his pockets and his mouth shut. 

“We do stupid.” Evan says innocently and he glances at Jared with a playful smile. Jared was willing to play victim if it meant cheering Connor up.

“Asshole.” Jared snorts at Evan and he grins.

The banter seems to put Connor at ease and his hands leave his pockets to hang by his side.

“Are you scared of heights? It’s not biggie.” Jared supplies a way out. Connor didn’t seem to be the kind of person to be scared of heights. 

“No, I'm not. I already said it’s not important.” Connor replies, but he seemed determined to stay in line. “So just forget it.” He looks ready to stalk off, but he stays put with his arms crossed. 

Jared and Evan glance to each other in silent words. 

‘It seem important.’

‘Should we push it?’

‘What if it's not important?’

“Stop that.” Connor bites so the boys will look back at him. “It’s a traditional date thing, and I was just thinking. See? Stupid.” He looks away and glares in the direction of the dunk booth. 

How long did they know each other to be able to do that? It was unnerving. Connor silently misses when he was able to do that with Zoe and get out if trouble because they both forged the same lie. It seemed like a lifetime ago. 

Jared and Evan immediately look to each other.

‘Go with him.’

‘No, you. Trust me.’

‘No, no you don’t know what I-

“Guys!” Connor interrupts. He gives Evan a look that cuts him off mid apology. 

“So, do you not wanna go?” Jared asks teasingly before nodding toward Evan. It was like they didn't think they were being obvious. They were both waiting for Connor to ask the other to go with him.

“What? No. I said it was stupid.” Connor pouts and Evan thinks he can die on the spot. Jared stays strong, curse him. 

“I-”

“Next in line!” The worker calls. Connor thanks his shitty luck.

“C’mon, both of you.” He calls after them and they follow suit.

 

Jared pointedly sits a across from Connor and Evan silently files next to Connor, watching as they are moved one notch up to let the next customer in. Jared sends Evan a knowing look, and Evan tries to mentally curse him. The air is awkward since Connor's last comment, and Jared pulls out his phone to pretend to be busy like he usually does in awkward situations. He usually has signal to actually do something with his phone, but he settles with just scrolling through his pictures. Most of them are selfies perfectly angled to show Evan in the background doing various things; reading, writing, picking at his nails, and a couple of him in the middle of saying ‘What are you doing?’. Those last ones where his favorite. He loved that dumb look on his face.

They’re moved up another notch and their seats rock warningly. Evan latches onto Connor beside him for dear life. Jared would almost feel bad for him, but he has spent enough years falling victim to Evans death grip, and now it was Connor's turn to suffer

“It’s alright. We can’t die a second time.” Connor looks over to Evan, and good God, does Connor wish Evan was as short as Jared because at least then he wouldn't be right in his face. They both freeze, and it was as if the world had stopped. Even Jared was frozen, staring hard at the two of them, anticipating the next move. Finally,  _ finally,  _ Connor could read Evan like the inviting words of a new chapter. So he leaned in and kissed him like he felt welcomed. 

He felt the sharp intake of breath against his mouth and then Evan found the courage to act, pressing against the lips on his. Connor thinks Evan must be sucking the air from his head because he’s so lightheaded it almost hurts. It’s so warm, and so soft, and this is what happiness taste like. He doesn't know where his hands are. He can't feel them because everything is drowned out by the curling of his toes and the blooming of a headache soiled in a giddy lightheadedness. It was the kind of headache he got when he was high and everything was too okay to hurt.

And then Jared clears his throat awkwardly. Wait, fuck. Friends don’t kiss their friends crush  _ right in front of them _ . Jesus christ, that was fucked up. Connor couldn’t read that chapter. He couldn’t do that to Jared. He opens his mouth to apologize, but like always, Evan beats him to it.

“I’m so sorry, that was- I- uh.” Evan cleared his throat, he didn’t have much of an excuse either, but to be fair, Evan didn't start any of that. That was all Connors doing. If Connor just had his head on right he wouldn't have done it in the first place. 

“No, it’s okay, really.” Jared says, but the forced smile said otherwise. “Just don’t make out in front of me, alright?” 

“It’s not okay.” Connor says flatly. “It’s not fair to you.”

And then he pauses and actually puts his head on right. He knew Jared and Evan like each other. There was no way in hell Connor was going to take Evan away from Jared when they were the only three people in their dimension. He wasn’t that big of an asshole. But there was another way around this. 

“Wait,” He was willing to share Evan if they were okay with it. It was better than nothing, and he couldn’t promise he could let Evan go if he tried when he was this close. “But, Evan likes  _ you,” _

_ “ _ Connor!” Evan squeaks. His face is vibrant red.

_ “  _ and  _ you  _ like Evan.” Connor started putting the pieces together. 

“Connor!” Jared complains, and a pause. “You can’t just go on spouting my personal biz! How would you feel if I told Evan you like him!?” Jared tries to out Connor for revenge. 

“I just kissed him!” Connor gaped.

“I’m still not exactly sure that happened.” Evan said more to himself, it looked like everything was going way too fast for him. 

“Yeah! Well Evan likes you!” Jared tries with his hands up in the biggest ‘what are you going to do about it’ gesture. 

Connor looks at him like ‘no shit.’ 

“You like Connor too.” Evan accuses, but his voice is quiet and it's only a matter of time before he loses track of the conversation again. 

“Evan, that was so uncalled for.” Jared wines.

Connor can’t believe they’ve made a full circle.  _ They’re all requited _ , all they have to do it put the puzzle together. That was the hardest part.

“Con, you good? You look like you just had a vision like ‘That's so Raven©’.” Jared says even though Evan looks like part of his brain just regained sentience. 

“No, it was called for.” Connor corrects and Evan speaks, catching onto the tail end of Connors train of thought.

“And Connor likes you.” Evan fills Jared in, and Jared gives Connor and Evan a disbelieving look. He looks like a kid being ganged up on by a couple of bullies, and neither of them understand that reaction.

“You guys don’t need to do this. It’s pretty fucked that you’re trying.” Jared says and he sounds like he’s about to cry. It was a stark contrast from Connor and Evan who are ecstatic that things actually went their way for once. 

“What are you talking about?” Evan asks, already pulling at the hem of his shirt and preparing for things to go wrong again. 

“There’s no way in hell, that you- that  _ either  _ of you would-” Jared won’t finish that sentence. The underlying reason is there like an ugly reminder what they all have in common, and Connor feels sick that he was able to recognize it. “You  _ can't.  _ Not me.”

“No one can love you if you don’t love yourself.” Evan puts it into words. Jared pauses. Connor is silently daring Jared to agree.

It’s strange trying to make someone understand they are not what they think they are. It feels hypocritical, but Connor believed it was a case by case kind of thing. People like Jared and Evan were the kind of people The Connor Project was made for; people that had so much worth and so much life, but just had trouble finding it. Sometimes Connor would think that things like that are meant to help him as well, and he’ll feel that sliver of self worth. He’ll think he’s just like Evan or Jared, and his only problem is finding his self worth because it's just buried on a whole lot of bullshit.

Reason would suggest what would make him so different? Why wouldn’t he have a worth just like everyone else? 

And then reason would also suggest that he did at one time have worth, and he still does, just like everyone else, but it’s buried under so much bullshit that it’s not worth the effort to excavate it. Like a car in an accident that still has the ability to become a fully functioning vehicle, but it’s not worth the money to get it fixed. Totaled. Worthless. He wasn't even worth the space he took up. 

“Exactly.” Jared seems exasperated. Evan wasn’t sure if Jared would ever admit his self worth issues out loud, but here they were.

“That’s bullshit!” Connor would have charged to the other side of the basket if it wouldn't have shaken the whole thing. He burns in his seat. “You think I love myself, Jared? I  _ killed  _ myself, and I don’t regret it at all. How do you feel about me? Evan tried to kill himself, and still blames himself for every fucking thing that's happened since then. How do you feel about him? Does that change a few things?” Connor says through his teeth. Jared looks at a loss for words, and Evan nods that every word that Connor was saying was true. “Don’t think for a goddamn second that your self hatred is justified. You’re worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.You don't know Jack shit.” Connor checks out of the conversation by falling back into his seat. He crosses his arms and looks down to the people below them. 

Evan shuffles to Jareds side of the basket, and lays a reassuring arm over Jared's shoulders as he tries to wipe at tears before they fall. Connor stretches a leg to touch Jared's leg, but keeps his eyes trained on the view beside him with a controlled indifferent frown. 

“You should listen to yourself sometimes.” Jared croaks and Connor looks at him from the corner of his eye.

“Don’t waste your breath, Kleinman.” Connor grumbles. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go! I already have it typed up and ready to go, so I promise that it'll be up monday with no excuses attached.   
> Im also publishing a be more chill fic (in a zombie apocalypse bc i havent seen it yet) it the next couple days along with another sincerely three that ive been writing on for warm up so that will have no updating schedule, but it'll be a little better written than this. So hey, maybe you should check those out.


	24. We Will Be Alright This Way, For Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are left to their own devices in an alternate dimension, but that won't stop them from making the best of things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this story was going to be called for forever (and you'll see why), but I decided against it because (half the deh fics are called for forever) the line 'you can get rid of all of this, but all you're left with is yourself', which i found weird because it suggested that when Connor 'got rid of all of it' he was left with himself, and I wanted to make a fic where it supported that idea. Thus the name 'All We're Left With Is US'

_ “Don’t waste your breath, Kleinman.” Connor grumbles. _

* * *

 

Nobody knew what to say after the big reveal, it felt a little too much like a dream and none of them wanted to test the limits of reality. They all had shitty luck and it was only a matter of time before the odds against them took action.

They hover around each other as they walk. Jared and Evan happily watch Connor win another stuffed prize; a small lion and he tucks it in his jacket for safe keeping.

In the end it was Jared that acknowledged it first. He looks over to Evan with curiosity lining his features, unsure if it was safe to breach the subject yet, but he couldn’t wait any longer. Evan mimics the look back before a small welcoming smile graces his lips and he bumps Jared's shoulder with his own.

Evan looks away to the strangers walking by as Connor approaches.

“What are you two talking about?” Connor asks like an amused parent and that metaphor makes Jared want to laugh.

“Haven’t said a word.” Jared smiles and he shoots a grin to Evan who is still pointedly looking the other way. They could both see the bright red of the boys ears as he hunched his shoulders in a petty attempt to cover them up. 

“Mmmhmm.” Connor says, unimpressed. “You guys ready to go?” Connor asks as the after school crowd begins to filter in. Evan looks over and his shoulders ease a little tension. He nods gratefully.

* * *

 

“How can they afford to stay open all night? It’s dead.” Jared asks as he looks around the empty diner. It’s almost two in the morning and they’re still just over an hour away from Evans place. If he was being completely honest, he needed this stop, but that wasn’t going to stop him from complaining about it, though. That truck was getting too cramped and too small, and he tried to pretend he didn’t notice Evan telling Connor to stop before nodding in Jared's direction.

“I thinks it’s more for truck drivers rather than people like us.” Connor says around his straw. Jared wonder if ‘us’ means wandering dead or wandering teenagers. He glances at the bearded man could easily pass for a dead truck driver sitting in the furthest corner of the building, and then back at the table he’s sitting at that is equidistant from the door and pushed into another corner of the dinner. Hmm.

“We’re here though, we’re giving them business.” Evan adds as his scans over his menu.

“We’re giving them business...at night.” Jared cracks a smile. Connor looks around the room for any hints as to what the hell Jared is referencing, and Evan gives him a confused look over his menu. “You’re drinking soda….at night.” Jared stares down Connor and he swears Connor seems a tad frightened under his gaze. Connor sends a pleading look to Evan for an explanation. “Evan is ignoring me...at night.” Jared adds as Evan props the menu up on the table to block himself from this conversation.

Oh, Connor knew what this was from. What kind of nerd references Spongebob these days?

“Ugggggghhhhh.” Connor groans as he tries to copy Evans menu fort.

“What was it? The Hash bringing- the clash singing-” Evan started out and Connor is pretty sure he could slam his forehead into the table without any repercussions right about now.

“Noooo, Evan, noooo.” Connor whines. He can't fucking believe Evan had memorized confusion word for word, and he hated himself for being able to tell it was word for word.

“The hash slinging slasher!” Evan squeals as he pinches Jared's arm. 

“You mother fucker!” Jared outright yells as he shoves Evan out of his side of the booth. “Banished. You are banished.”

Connor more than happily let Evan in on his side of the booth after high-fiving him for a job well done.

“Don’t encourage him.” Jared grumbles.

“I take my job as the bad influence very seriously.” Connor said flatly. Evan snorts laughter beside him.

“I can’t believe you’ve ruined our son.” Jared says just as flatly. Evan almost cries laughter.

“I can’t believe you can’t believe I’ve ruined our son.” He shoots back.

“I can’t believe that you can’t believe that I can’t bel- Okay, but who the hell is the hash bringing slasher.” Jared interrupts himself, and Evan nearly chokes when he says it wrong.

“It was in the same episode.” Connor gives Jared a disbelieving look.

“Nuh-uh.”

“Yu-huh.”

“Are you boys ready to order?” The waitress seemingly comes out of nowhere, and Evan audibly chokes despite the fact that he wasn't saying anything.

Ah, damn, he hasn’t gotten Evans order yet. Jared looks to him after his laughter practically froze in his throat. He was staring at Jared light a deer caught in the headlights in a silent plea for help. Oddly enough, Connor was looking at him with the same look and was just as quiet.

Ah, okay. That explains why Evan had told Jared Connors drink order along with his own.

“J-just a second, thanks.” Jared says and she smiles and walks away.

“We’re taking too long.” Evan whispers, pinching the edge of his menu.

“Oh, BS. She’s probably bored out of her mind.” Connor comments as he points out something to Evan on the menu.

Jared leans over the table to see what he’s wanting; just a chicken club sandwich. 

“Do you want as is?” He asks and Connor seems to feel as little less awkward about getting someone to order for him.

“No tomato.”

 

“Can we get a strawberry milkshake?” Connor says as he pulls the desert menu from the napkin holder.

“Aren't you paying?” Jared asks instead. “Just get one.”

Evan looks like he’s trying to recall something, but otherwise stays quiet and detached from the conversation. 

“No, like I was wondering if…” Connor doesn’t finish and instead glares at the pictures of the tiny menu with red cheeks.

“Zoe said you were lactose intolerant.” Evan mumbles, and interrupts Jared about to ask what Connor was worrying about. 

“Uh- yeah, yeah, but it shouldn’t hurt me now so I want to try one. You guys want some?” Connor says hopefully and Jared catches on. It was the ferris wheel over again. Connor liked  _ traditional  _ date tropes.

“Do you even like strawberry milkshakes, Connor?” Jared grins, hoping that maybe he can finally get them stop skirting around this 'feeling' thing. 

“What? No, hot fudge is the superior flavor, but its-” Connor stops, refusing to word that he would like to think of this as a date.

“It’s a cute date idea.” Jared finishes with words Connor wouldn’t use, and he stares at him like he was staring like his dessert menu (which is angry). “C’mon guys, we need to talk about this.” Jared pleads.

“You’re one to talk.” Connor tries to push Jared off out of habit.

“We all are.” Jared corrects. “Now, are we gonna do this or?” Jared talks with his hands, but he keeps it vague.

“I mean, I guess?” Evan speaks up with a shrug. They both look at Connor.

“Wait, you're not talking about sharing a milkshake.” Connor looks between them, confused. And now they couldn’t hide behind being vague. One of them had to put it into words and out into the air. 

“We were talking about- um, dating?” Evan look to Jared and he nods in confirmation. Jared thanked God for Evans compulsive behavior when it came to crushing. 

“Oh.” Connor's voice cracked because A- they were talking about this, and B- Jared and Evan had already agreed.

“We don’t have to if you’re uncomfortable of course.” Evan amends quickly. Jared holds his breath as Evan hands Connor an out.

“What- I uh, no it’s fine. I'm okay with this.” Connor looks between the both of them with red staining his pale cheeks.

“So three straws?” Jared asks as the waitress comes over to pick up their plates. Connor blinks; his brain completely fried at the moment. “For the milkshake, Conman.” Jared clarifies, knowing Connor would in no way answer that. 

Evan chuckles beside him and leans his weight into Connor's shoulder before he could burst into flames.

* * *

 

“Hey, isn't that the-” Evan starts as they pass a line of apple trees to the right.

“Oh, God. You named it after me.” Connor groans as they pass the sign.

“Let’s go.” Jared grins, thoroughly enjoying making Connor cringe.

“It’s the middle of the night, they’re not open.” Evan tries to reason.

“What are you afraid of, Hansen? It’s not breaking and entering if you’re dead.” Connor grins from his spot in the middle seat. His need for chaos over rides his embarrassment.

“Yeah, it’s called haunting.” Jared grins as he pulls into the entrance.

 

Jared won’t drive down the fence like Connor told him to, if only for Evan's sake. Both Jared and Evan exit from their respective sides of the vehicle and hold the door open for Connor. Connor is torn between picking which side to pick.

He glances over to Jared and he waggles his eyebrows as if that would allure Connor to his side. Connor exits on Evan's side.

“Wow.” Jared drawls, unimpressed as he meet the two at the front of the car.

“O-oh look, it’s locked. I guess we should head back.” Evan excuses as they approached the tall fence with a padlock hanging from the gate.

“Do you think we could make it over?” Jared says more to himself as he winds his fingers into the chain link fence and looks to the top. Connor just pulls a bobby pin from his hair and takes the padlock in his hand. “There’s no way you actually know how to do that.” Jared says, but he has to admit, his interest is peaked. Even Evan wanders over to watch Connor work.

It pops no longer than thirty seconds later. Jared lets a low whistle of impressment. “Wow, that’s hot.” Jared grins as he follows Connor through the gates. Connor doesn’t dignify that with a response. “What do you think, Ev?” Jared turns to Evan who is watching out into the dark fields.

“I guess so.” Evan says even though he was clearly not listening. Connor nearly trips over his own feet and Jared laughs. “What? What happened?” Evan asks and neither of them answer him.

“What- why does Evans response bother you but not mine?” Jared feins wounded. 

“You hit on the milkshake. I don't trust your judgement .” 

“Okay, but hear me out, she was a tall glass being sucked on by three-”

“Stop” Evan pleads.

* * *

 

“Do you think we could pick some of these?” Connor asks, looking up to the apples high up into the branches where visitors couldn’t reach. 

“You probably need a ladd- where’s Evan?” Jared looks around. Oh, fuck.

“Evan?” Connor calls out into the night air. The panic doesn't feed into his veins like Evans last disappearing act did. He knew better this time.

Jareds been in this position once or twice. He doubts Evan ran off fueled with negative thoughts and fears. Evan was more compulsive than people gave him credit for. It was his compulsive behavior that made him lie to the Murphy family in the first place, and it was his compulsiveness that had gotten him a kiss from both Murphy siblings, and more importantly it was his compulsive behavior that had gotten him half way up an apple tree where Connor or Jared couldn’t reach him. 

“The hell are you doing?” Connor says like Evan is the one trespassing dangerous territory. He guesses it’s fair considering last summer.

“C’mon, I don’t want you falling out of a tree a second time.” Jared grins up, but Evans mischievous behavior had flipped like a coin. “Ev?” He asks even though he meets Connors hard glare, threatening him to push the topic further. Evan scrambles down the limbs.

“Sorry, sorry. I was just- It wasn’t like that.” Evan tries to ease Connors mood, and it works if only a little. “Sorry- I”

“Stop.” Connor sighs and tugs at his hair. 

“Um, hello? Am I missing something here?” Jared speaks up, and Evan looks at his hands wringing together.

“I-um..” He looks to Connor, expecting him to bluntly fill in the hard stuff like usual, but he is glaring holes into a tree like it’ll take away the tears forming in his eyes before he makes space between him and the situation. “I didn’t exactly just fall.” Evans voice cracks, and oh. Jared had made fun of Evan for his incapability to stay in a tree, even though Evan was easily the most fit person he knew and him falling was so out of character. He never guessed it. How the hell had he not noticed? Had he really have his head that far up his ass senior year? 

“I-oh.” Jared shut his mouth before he could say something awful.

“It’s um-” Evan pauses, as if considering if sharing his personal stability would even be relevant now. He’s been fighting so much since that summer day. “It’s not necessarily fantastic, but it’s better.” Evan shrugged, trying to downplay his progress.

“Progress is progress, no matter what dimension.” Connor mumbles, and he wants to blow up against the eyes on him. He blows air out of his mouth instead. “I wish-” He laughs, it was stupid. It was so stupid to hope for something that would never happen. “I wish my mom could see me now, I’d think she’d be proud. I know she'd be proud of you, anyways.” Connor admits and he feels a little selfish talking about himself.

“I know I am.” Jared smiles, slipping his hand into Connors and it feels at home there "For the both of you."

“Seconded.” Evan agrees and take his free hand instead of picking at his cuticles, because there was no reason he shouldn't be proud of his own progress.

“Hey, I don’t thinks I ever officially apologized-” Jared starts.

“I know, you tried, but I interrupted.” Connor shrugged.

“Like you’re doing now.” Jared shoves Conners shoulder. “But it was shitty picking fights with you, and I don’t think I can ever get over how much I want to take it all back, and maybe things would be different, or maybe, we would all be alive, and just-” Jared works himself up, and tears burn his eyes. The knowledge that he helped start the begging of the downfall that lead them all here hits him like cancer.

“Hey…” Evan squeezes Jared in a hug and Connor wraps the two of them up in his own arms. The pile of arms is suffocating, but Jared doesn't fight either one of them off. He thinks they could maybe squeeze all that's wrong out of him; it feel that way anyways.

“You’re making this sound a whole lot worse than it is, kid. I like what we got going now.” Connor says into Jareds hair. Jared tries to wipe his eyes in the mess of arms he found himself in.

“You guys are a bunch of saps.” Jareds sniffles, using the closest arm he can reach to rub his tears on, He thinks it's Evans.

“We can be alright  _ this way _ , Jared.” Evan comforts.

“We will be alright this way.” Connor corrects and squeezes his boys until they squeak.

“God, you guys are lame. I love both of you.” Jared laughs with a snotty nose, but neither of them pull away, they just squeeze impossibly tighter.

“I love both of you too.” Connor and Evan say in mocking unison, and Jared finally wraps his arms around his boyfriends (he loved that) and hopes that this is what his life is going to be like for forever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End!  
> Thank you so much for sticking with us to the end. As promised, there are two new stories (one of which is another Sincerely Three that consists of mostly fluff once it grows out of the beginning) published that I've been working really hard on!   
> Please, please, please let me know how you felt about this fic. I don't care if its just a key smash, it'll make my day garenteed. Your coments are really what drove me to finish this fic in the first place.


End file.
